MEN!! Marriage help needed from m/f?

Question

Up until about a week ago when I seen the movie "The Breakup" I thought that I was the selfish one in the relationship. However, I cook, clean, arrange "dates", keep track of the money, buy his clothes and pretty much act like a mother to him.

I do not want to be his mother but whenever I try to get him to think about something or decide what to do he gets mad and say why do I have to decide. It seems that as long as I go on and do stuff without asking him or letting him know he is happy. When I try to get him to be a "man" he gets grumpy and doesn't hold up his end of a relationship.

What can I do to change this or make it better and less pressure on me to make all decisions?

Answer 1

I f you get to make all the decisions without any arguement, I'd ask why you want it to change. Alot of men like to be mothered and have everything done for them. If he starts to get cranky about the decisions you make, then it might be time to just leave decisions for him. You can't change anyone. Trying to change him is only going to frustrate you more because you will see more faults and feel hopeless to change them. Be the decision maker. Hopefully he is bringing in the money for you to decide with.

Answer 2

Although you do a good job of explaining the situation, I can only imagine that there is a lot more going on here than you have space to describe. This is a tough one and I'm not sure that you can successfully do much to change it.

First of all, you have to go back to the beginning: why were you attracted to this guy and why did you marry him? About 90% of problem definition is right there, I'll bet. Oddly, I'll bet that some of the things that you find annoying now were things that you originally found attractive: he needed you, you were in control, you kind of enjoyed taking care of him, he let you decide most of the important issues, right?

Second, you have to inspect your current situation and ask yourself if, inspite of his being annoying, you are still in love with him. If you still basically love they guy and find that he has a lot of positive attributes - takes care of you in most of the ways you need to be cared for, is loyal, trustworthy, gets along with your family, etc. - then, maybe you don't have it so bad.

Third, look at it from his angle: you knew what you were getting into and things have been going just fine; he gives you all the money, he lets you do whatever you want to, he lets you buy his clothes for him, and generally run his life. Grumpy? Heck, yeah. What could you possibly be unhappy about? You saw a movie? Well, whoop-dee-do! (His imagined thoughts, not my opinion.)

Finally, know that he's not going to change and you are certainly not going to be the one to change him. He came the way that he is from the factory, and you have reinforced all of his behaviors. All you can do at this point is adjust the way that you REACT to him. You can make both of your lives miserable, OR just you can be miserable, OR you can accept him the way he is and choose to see the glass as half full instead of half empty.

If you really want to make an attempt to change the way things are, the only shot you have is "radical intervention". Tell him you've had it and that if the relationship is to continue, you are calling a time out and you want to go to counseling and get everything renegotiated. Get ready to spend a lot of time, money, and energy on the effort, and be ready to risk a break up.

Hope this helps.

Answer 3

I am not a man, but I guess I can give you my opinion, Men love to think they are in control, that they are the ones "wearing the pants" in a relationship, they love to think that they are the ones who have the final say in everything....even though WE women know that is completely false, a while ago I heard something in a movie that said: "You have to let the man think he came up with the idea, He might be the head (referring to the husband)but I am the body (refers to the wife) that can make the head turn anyway she wants!", and it's completely true, usually we are the ones who managed everything, from managing the house, the kids, the finances and some of us manage to work full time, the key for a happy marriage (and note that I'm divorced) is to let them think they are the ones making all the decisions, when in reality is you , and that without you he would be lost. You could try on giving him an agenda and write down what are the things he has to do, sometimes they just forget on doing things, or they are so lost they don't even know how to do it, if you giving him specific step by step instructions he might be able to follow...

Answer 4

I haven’t seen the movie you mentioned, but if you work outside the home then, of course, he should be pulling his weight with the household duties. If, however, you’re a stay-at-home spouse, then that’s a different story because in that instance being a homemaker is your job.

As far as buying his clothes….just tell him you’re no longer going to buy them. But, honestly, if my hubby bought all his own clothes (and he does occasionally buy some) I shudder to think about some of the clothes that he'd probably come home with (and I have to be seen in public with the man!) or the amount of money he’d spend (because he doesn’t shop for sales like I do).

As for arranging dates…again I’m going to use the word ‘shudder’ when thinking about some of the dates he might arrange.

Answer 5

Well I think you should do one extreme thing, where it affects him and he has to take notice and want to take part in fear that you may make another outrageous choice. It only takes one. I feel for you because no one person should have to deal with everything, a relationship is two bodies, let him know where you stand... The dramatic step can be something like not paying anything for him and telling him he needs to take part, then plan for a weekend get away so that whatever collapses, he has to take action on his own. You wont lose this guy but you want his help and interaction.

Answer 6

This sounds a lot like my marriage. Only nothing gets done because I'm always at work. I've felt like the parent since the beginning. I even have to remind her to brush her teeth in the morning. I would recommend leaving him now. I'm not sure if you're married or just cohabiting. If you're married, seek divorce. If not give him the boot. If he is not willing to change then he is not worth the effort. Don't waste your life trying to change someone that doesn't appreciate you when you can find someone right now that does.

Answer 7

Read the book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriages by Dr. Laura together. He does need to be the man and do what is expected of him as well you do your part doing the wifely duties but you can't handle it all. Just think about when you have children and how much more will be involved. Get him "trained" now.

Good luck!

Answer 8

stop being his mother... he can start to do his own laundry, let it pile up on his side of the bed, and make his own lunch etc...

you see the problem as he does nothing, you pick up after him like a mom, start letting him take care of some things... just let it pile up like don't pay the cable bill, or his subscription to magazines or the such... time for him to pack some of the load... don't cook dinner till he does the dishes... yea we all work and are tired.. but he can help out..

signed.. man of my house.. when she lets me be.....

Answer 9

You need a partner not a son..You are smart enough to know this will not work.send him back to mom and find yourself a men.he has little to offer you but sex and even that can not be good when you have to do all the work and find you are tired all the time

Answer 10

Stop doing those things for him, if he leaves because of it then you are better off.

You need a man who can take care of himself, not to be a mother to him. You two are supposed to compliment each other, not one be dependent on the other to survive.

Good luck!