Should I stay or should I go?

Question

Long story short:

Me and hubby married in August, I have 5 kids and he has 2. His oldest is a jerk, she punches and bites me, he sent her to live with a family friend until the end of school yr. His younger daughter and I get along VERY well, and she gets along with my children too.

Hubby refuses to put badlee kid into a residential or other program to help her learn how NOT to abuse me, says he grew up in bad foster homes etc (and so did I) and he won't do that to his kid. I basically told him that if she comes back here bfeore she gets help, I'm leaving, and he said then the marriage is over.

That was a cpl weeks ago, he calmed down and started listening to me a bit. Here's the problem now:

the badlee's bio mother is on crack and heroin, and has sent her own daughter to put out for mom's drugs. Mom lives with gram and pap. Family friend is taking the badlee to see pap. I asked my hubby if he knew this, because he told me they are all bunch of (expletives) and he doesn't

want her seeing ANY of them. When I asked him tonight, he got upset and said "Why can't she see her grandfather?" (which is my STEP-DAUGHTER'S reaction to being kept away from them!)

He got upset with me for asking a simple Question! AGAIN!

Anyway, my brother and a few acquaintances have said I should save money and move out before he brings her back to our home, because she's only going to hit me again,and it will get harder and worse every time. Hubby has already said he doesn't know if he'll let me press charges on her if she touches me again. So, I love my husband and dont want to brake our vows, but I feel my safety and that of my children is at great risk here. Is it wrong to move out, at least until she gets a brain? I don't plan on seeing anyone else or filing for divorce. And no, there is no cheating going on, but I do feel that he keeps a lot from me (stupid things, like he knew about his kid seeing the jerk grandfather, but never told me)

Those of you who are singing the song .. are you saying to take the advice of a Clash song?? LOL

Trailer? You assume too much ... we're not trash .. well, me and MY kids aren't trash.

I tapped her on the lips once, because she said to me "I'll talk to you however the F .... I want"

Then she punched me in the face several times before he restrained her. She has been abusive towards me twice before this, when I hadnt touched her at all. I'd love to take a belt to her butt, but it wouldn't do any good since I honestly think my hubby would blame me for it.

She IS in counseling, home based, and in partial at school, plus she's on meds for God knows what these days, he doesn't really tell me.

And yes of course she is trying to drive me away. I don't care about "winning" anymore. I'm happy to just be abuse-free and living a nice quiet life with my children. I left my first husband after 7 yrs of abuse when he got to the point he tried to KILL me in front of my babies. That was it. And now it's happening all over again.

We DID alert CPS and the police. CPS sent us a letter a few later saying the allegations were UNFOUNDED. And the cops won't return any calls or do a darn thing about it.

Whenever I do try to talk to hubby about the situation, he gets VERY defensive and overprotective of this child (she's 12!) as if I'm some kind of threat to her, when all I've done the whole time is talk to her and try to help her. Talking to him doesn't help, he only sees and hears what he wants.

I am not asking him to get rid of her!!! I am only asking him to find somewhere for her to stay while she receives intense therapy to deal with herself. I am no one's punching bag, and HE of all people should agree.

Answer 1

Well, this whole thing is confusing. If a kid is abusing you and your husband is basically letting it go on, he's not really honoring his vows to you, is he? He's suppose to protect & honor you. That's the bottom line. You're not asking him to disown his kid, you're asking for respect. Nothing wrong with that. If he can't give you that and get the kid some much needed disipline, leave.

As far as the other stuff, call the cops. Drugs are stupid and a dead end. If you know someone is doing them or getting their kids involved in them, call CPS or the cops. You're not doing anyone a favor by not telling anyone who could at least get the kid out of the mom's possession.

No offense but your husband needs to grow up and take care of his responsiblilites. He's turning a blind eye to stuff because he doesn't want to deal with it. Being grown is all about dealing with stuff you don't want to deal with. If he can't grow up, he doesn't deserve to be married.

Answer 2

That is a really tough situation.

Everyone so far has said go as though it's so easy. It sounds to me like everything would be great if this child was not aggressive towards you.

There must be something that can be done. Depending on her age, there could be professional help or even just advice for you on how to improve the situation. No need to get her angrier by dragging to a doctor.

Maybe more one on one time, or try to find out why she does it. Is she upset with a having a step-mum? Does she hate/love her bio mother? There must be a reason and if she does not get the correct help will probably end up on the same path as her mother.

Maybe this is a challenge in life for you? Maybe there was a reason why you came into her life?

I would probably not take the abuse though. If you want to help her and your relationship together give it a go but first draw a very strict line with yourself as to how much you will take and if it gets that bad then make the decision to leave.

Answer 3

Care for a little drama? Oh my god!!

Well...the children are a result of bad parenting. People blame the kids...but it is the parents fault for not setting up appropriate boundaries and enforcing discipline and positive re-enforcement. So easy to say a kid is a brat or a jerk...when they have had a hellish life, a chemical imbalance or parents that spoil them or abuse them.

Your husband should be protecting you. But more than that...he needs to get some parenting skills. There are free classes everywhere. Watch Nanny911 or Supernanny. Hire a parenting consultant. This girl is going to destroy everyone life if nothing is done.

You are the protector of your own children. That is your job to protect them from harm...no matter what. Certainly not protecting them from this kind of possible abuse could be the cause of something catastrophic.

He owes it to you to be a man and a good father. This foster home business is a bunch of crap. He has allowed her to be abusive or not put his foot down because he doesn't want her to feel abandoned or hurt. Those are HIS issues...and shouldn't apply to her. To be shipped out to others is only shirking his responsibility. She most likely is looking for some discipline and a strong father figure who loves her and can help her grow into a bright young woman.

You owe it to yourself to protect yourself. Period. He can not possibly love you enough...to allow this to continue with the belligerent attitude he has. You need to have another serious talk and tell him like it is.

Really..it seems like you should go because while he may be listening to you...all that other crap about her bio mother and family drama...may be more than you even want to be a part of. It sounds like he will lax on respecting you....and make it your problem now...when really...it is his.. and the family as a whole.

Good luck!!!

Answer 4

What a nightmare.
I would call the cops on the mother and get her arrested, and hopefully, jailed for a spell. It could knock some sense into the badlee, but I rather doubt it - it sounds as if she is pretty far gone already. How old is she? If she's over 17 I'd tell her to get her own place, and then read her the riot act. Abusing you is not permissible, and you have to insist on this. You also deserve more consideration from your husband. Make it a criteria of living together.

Answer 5

When you get married to a guy that has children from a previous marriage,you don't know what the future holds for you when he does not back you up in decisions where kids are concerned. In particular you mentioned that he has a twelve yr. old girl that is very abusive to you, and does not like for you to tell her anything, because she starts to punch you, and hitting you with her fists. This girl, has a lot of problems and you are going to be her way as to get her frustrations out of her system, do you want her to do harm to you or maybe kill you, and where will your kids be without their Mother to protect them. Maybe you do not want to leave your Husband, because you Love him, but think of your sanity, and the problems that are being created for your kids, when they are viewing all this fighting going on between this girl and your Husband. I hope that your Husband realizes that he has to find help for his Daughter, and that the girl, tries her hardest to get along with you, for her own good, but if nothing else works, if I were you I would have left my Husband a long time ago, for my sanity and my kids. Good luck, I wish you the best.

Answer 6

First of all, I ealize that your step daughter may not be treating you well, but you did know that he had children when you married him correct?! So, you had to know that with children, you never know what you are going to get. And if you knew their background, meaning their mother and grandparents, then you shouldd try to be more understanding towards her behaviors. I think she's acting out as a cry for help and attention. She has obviously not had a good life. And when you signed those marraige papers, you signed them knowing about his children and you took him and THEM, with all of their flaws. If not your vows should have been, that as long as everything's perfect you will love and adore him and his kids, but when things get tough, you're out!
Yes, she may be violent, but think about where she is getting that much anger! There is obviously something troubling her so severely, and I feel terrible that the only way she can vent and get her emotions out is through violence. She needs another medium to express her feelings! It may not be easy, but who said raising children was easy! And this may be a learned behavior, has she been exposed to yelling and violence inside the home?! Something to think about, maybe she's acting out in a way that she sees others doing it.
And as for you giving your husband an ultimadium, you or his daughter. I think that's very low! If he chooses you, then he will always have a grudge for you making him choose you over his daughter, and she will always have one towards you. And if he chooses the daughter, well then you would be the one with the grudge. If you don't feel safe in your own home, then you need to calmly explain that to your husband and calmy discuss your options to deal with the situation.
Pawning her off on family friends is not the way to deal with it, because when she comes back, the problem is still there.
Your husband shouldn't be lying to you, but maybe he feels he has no other choice. Maybe he is trying his hardest to do what he thinks is right for his daughter, and doesn't want the opposition from you. Have the two of you tried to discuss the situation in a calm manner?
If you can't manage to discuss it calmly and productively, then maybe you should find a neutral mediator to help you two! I would definately suggest getting the daughter in counseling, and the entire family should go to some counseling as well. You don't want the other children to think this behavior is condoned, but you want them to understand that you do still love her!
I wish you the best of luck, but remember, no one ever said that marrying someone with children would be a piece of cake, and if they did, they obviously didn't know what they were talking about!
And if all else fails and you don't feel safe for you or your children, then leave. But it is never right to make your spouse choose you or his children. You will have to decide what's best for you and your children and hope that he does the same!

Answer 7

Turn Mom into Family Services, & get that kid out-a-there!! She doesn't need to go to a home, but she certainly needs counciling. It kinda aounds like her bio has been abusing her & she's taking it out on u. Is it possible she's being sexually abused by Moms b/fs? She needs help, & it's up to u & hubby to see that she gets it, before it's too late. Her biting & hitting u is really a cry for help, please don't let her down, she needs u. Is family friend a good influence on her? Maybe ALL of u could go for family counciling, even the friend, if the girl trusts her. I wish u Lots of Luck, u've got an uphill battle, & I hope u win!

Answer 8

Quite honestly you need to pay attention to your safety and the safety of your children.

It's a shame that it has to come to this point, but you aren't being a good mom to your kids by putting them in this situation.

The short answer, is you need to go for the safety of your children.

He can figure out what to do with his daughter and you can choose to accept it or not, but you can't do this to your own children. Would you want them to be in a situation where they are afraid every day that someone will hurt them? I think not.

Answer 9

WOW! What a mess? So, you have 5 kids-do you think it is fair for your own children to grow up in a house where they see their mother being abused by another kid that they have lived with that on top of it all is not related to them? Think about your kids and how they feel about seeing their mom abused and her hubby not putting a stop to it.

Answer 10

I want to say I am looking at this another angle cuz I feel the girl is trying to drive you away and if you go then she will have won I think you should attempt to stick it out and say if she can't live by the rules then she will be going to recieve help I think in time your husband will see and come around on your level he just needs to realize she does need help. I would give it another try then if all else fails move on.