my partner has been put on a community domestic violence programme?

Question

Because in the past he has been violent to me and I wanted to know does it make a difference to there behavior I know in my hart he is not angry towards me but he is angry and I want to know if this will make a difference to him

the thing is I love him and know he is a good man he is just so angry and seems to take everything out on me its not my fault he has had a hard time in the past is it

is there any one out there in the same boat as me because I need to know what the future holds for me I know him and know he is a good man except for this problem

Answer 1

Hi, I'm involved in running DV porgrammes for perpetrators like your partner. You may think I'm biased towards saying they work, but to be honest, it depends on whether the man is really ready to chnage his thinking, and his underlying beliefs about women. Many just want to blame their girlfriend/wife, blame alcohol, blame their temper, or anything else but themselves. A few really do want to save their relationships and take responsibility. It's rewarding working with those men and hearing them gradually making progress in their attitudes over the months. Advice to you would be - make sure you have contact with a Women's safety Worker or other worker attached to the programme, so they can keep you up to date with what the programme is all about and what you can and cannot expect from your partner along the way. Many men become more abusive in the early stages of the programme cos they're having to face harsh realities about their shitty behaviour and that's painful for them. Make sure you have a safety plan and people you can call on for support if his violence continues or gets worse. He may change. He may not. That's down to him - the programme's there to help if he truly wants to change. Best wishes.

Answer 2

There is no reason for anyone to be violent towards anyone EVER. I am a guy and I will say that if any man raises so much as a hand to a woman (or another man for that matter) he deserves a lot worse that a domestic violence programme.

Having said that, I think that a domestic violence programme may do good IF he wants to change and IF he is no longer angry and IF he is the sort of person to commit to changing. If he isn't then he will just become violent again.

When it comes to domestic violence, just saying "I am sorry" doesn't count. It's not good enough. I hope for your sake that he does change.

I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 3

Anger is an bio/physical manifestation due to a chemical reaction in the brain triggered by an event or thought. Anger puts away rationalization and creates adrenalin in preperation for an aggresive action.

Your husband may have a high testosterone level. He may have low dopamine levels or high seratonin levels in his brain. He may be Bi Polar.

This behavior is almost always "continual" and expotentiates with alchohol or drugs.

His violent behavior may be "aligned" with his character and ego.

Will he react to the community service negatively with revenge or remorse and change?

All meaningfull change comes from within. He must have the "will" for it before he can change and realize the "value" of his family. I pray he is finding this in the program.

This simple truth should tame his anger if he is a wise and good man.

But if you attracted a "bad boy" back when, and he does not see that then...

Get out Now

Good Luck to you and the children, they are better off in a safe enviroment without a Dad than in a violent one with him.

This is a situation the requires much thought and intuition on your part. You must consider the safety of the family

Answer 4

I volunteer for a domestic violence shelter. The head of our abuser program says the odds of a big change in their violent way of thinking is low. Often the best they hope for is for the abuser to learn - I can't hit or I will go to jail. Often after such a change they become more emotionally abusive since they have not changed their mind set that it's okay to abuse. If a person willingly seeks out a program the chances are better than if it is court ordered.

It's sad but if he's been violent in your relationship there is little hope for change. The relationship is very likely to get worse.

Note to ckgene: No mater what a woman says or does there is no justification for violence. You have a problem please seek help.

Answer 5

This just may make a difference for him in his life and for you as well. give it a little time and chance to work If it does not work and he turns violent or abusive again then get out and away from it. He also may need anger management as well. Has he seen a doctor yet to see if he is bi polar or may have a disorder or something like that as well. Why is he so angry. I also suggest couples counseling for the both of you as well.

Answer 6

get shut i had the unfortunate pleasure of picking up my now wife from the brink of total self destruct because her first husband thought it was big and tough to beat on a woman it took me three years off hard work to convince her that all men where not the same there is some good men out there but don't wait too long as he might blame you for the position that he is in at the moment and it could be worse next time round i so the pics as to what you could end up like so think hard but not too-long and make the move and get away from him for your own good.

Answer 7

I am always cautious about this, a lot of women make their men out to be violent, when they are in fact the instigators, and then will not stop until they get a man to their breaking point. If he is angry, yes he needs to work on that, and the program can help, but don't be stupid and think that its all him. You must be aware of signals he puts off when he is process of becoming angry. Some women see this as their cue to make it worse. You know the right buttons to push to piss him off, just like he knows your buttons. don't push the buttons is going to help more than the program will.

Answer 8

Unless he is willing to admit that he has anger problems and is willing to seek help he will never change and will get worse.He may be a good person but that does not mean that he will not hurt you or worse. I suggest that you get counseling also so that you can talk to a professional and find out why you are staying with him.I learned the hard way and was injured badly and 2 surgeries later. Please get help before it is too late.

Answer 9

No.
Nicole Brown Simpson
Lacy Peterson
Connor Peterson

Answer 10

For me, it started out small where he would throw a shoe at me so I thought it couldnt possibly get any worse and I thought he couldnt possibly be doing any drugs behind my back.It only gets worse even with the program.He wont be able to change no matter what he tells you.I eventually had to go to the hospital for stitches in my forehead.Please join Ala-non or get support.