i need help!!?

Question

my daughter has recently told me that she hates my husband (her stepdad) and she feels like i dont care about her anymore and that everyday when we get home all i do is spend time w/him. She also found a sex position book that we had just to spice things up well actually i wouldnt say she found it she was in my room and i was getting something out of the drawer and she saw it she also saw our lubrication that we use and im not sure if that is the reason why she hates him now is because of all of that or what i really need some advice. it almost feels like i have to decide over my daughter or my husband.

Answer 1

Has she given you any specifics on why she hates him? Try asking her about that. Maybe the two of you could arrange to talk to someone (or maybe the three of you).

Answer 2

Definitely! From the way you describe it, she did not throw a tantrum but confronted you like an adult.

You should treat her with the same respect. My best friend is in a similar situation. Her mother died and her father remarried a woman from hell. She has done everything in her power to drive the children away from their father. She refuses to let him see them, stole the children's college fund (her son was finished with college before the marriage and if her son didnt get a college fund, his kids wouldn't either), and have ruined their relationships. The kids tried talking to him for years and finally had to inform him that he would be welcome in their house with his grandchildren but only if he didn't bring his wife.

Try to not get defensive and realize that it has taken a lot for her to share this with you. Ask her why and try to see what can be done. Often people outside the situation (like your daughter) can see problems in your relationship that you avoid. Is she right that you used to do things with her alone before you remarried? If so, could you start doing some one-on-one things with her again?

If you want this both to work, you have to work hard at this. Perhaps therapy would help the 2 of you in dealing with this, but I would have it for the 2 of you not 3--b/c that appears to her as you and him teamed up against her. But I'd consider listening to her first and asking her why she has the thoughts she does. If you treat her like an adult who has reasons for her thoughts (instead of just assuming it has to do with not knowing her mom and her husband have sex) without trying to CHANGE her thoughts but just LISTEN to her reasons, I'm sure your relationship will be able to get past this.