Live-in boyfriend finally reveals the truth. Help!?

Question

My live-in b/f (49) and I (44) are in a real crisis mode. First, we love each other very much. After some pressing on my part (he's a master at keeping secrets), he revealed his financial status. He's been lying to hide from being embarrassed. He owes the IRS a lot of money, he screwed up his $, no savings, he doesn't own a house now, he lives paycheck to paycheck. We talked about marriage and trips, but now that I know this, how we can even think about that with all this $ stress? His health is bad. I don't care about the $ so much as he is not happy and told me he hates himself, feels guilty over his mistakes, feels there's no use in trying to make things better $, too late to buy a house, pay debt etc. He can't see his way out. I said he was losing me because there's no joy, no happiness, no hope. It's always been stressful. He stopped making love 8 months ago. I'm always the one giving. I want to help, I got a job even tho I'm sick & he still thinks it's useless. Can this be saved?

I am the one telling him we don't need money to be happy. I would go live in a tent if I loved someone enough. It is he who insists that is not possible. He who is so down on himself he thinks he doesn't deserve any happiness.

I only said he was losing me not to blackmail him...but I said it in a loving way to get him to realize that he wasn't loving me the way I needed because he is so wrapped up in his misery...and that I wanted to build a life together...but how do you do with with someone who hates themselves so much...and in a way to get him to realize he will lose me if he is not willing to make things better and has given up. He even said he thought he would die young from the stress he is putting his body through. How do I live with that????

I don't know what is important anymore.

He refuses to go to financial advisor because he said all his money goes to the bills and there is rarely anything left over, and so no one can help him. He just won't budge on it. Frustrating!

Answer 1

You have just about answered your own question here and deep down inside I know you know the answer here. Basically, this guy is a loser and probably always has been, sorry. Hes trying to make you sorry for him and probably knows from experience lying works pretty good starting out and then moves to the sympathy angle once discovered. It sounds like he is just using you for his own survival and probably never ever intended to tell you the truth. At 49 he is no little boy but is sure as hell is playing a little kids game to keep you around. If this guy couldnt be totally honest with you from the beginning how are you able to trust anything he tells you now? I really seriousily doubt if this guy really truly ever loved you or ever will. You even admit yourself that youre the one always giving and will continue unless youve had enough and are willing to move on to a more trustworthy relationship and give up on this guy. Good luck

Answer 2

It sounds to me, like you're boyfriend is just real down on himself about the whole money issue (as you already know). And, I'm not wanting to make you feel bad or anything.. but honestly, I'm sure that hearing you say that he was losing you.. was just wayyyy too much to handle for him. I can see how you two have a lot of work to do, to get everything taken care of financially.. but for you to say something like that, especially at a time when you know how vulnerable and depressed he is, well it just doesn't make it any easier, on either of you.

I suggest that, if you are wanting to make things work, then don't start in with him, telling him that he's "losing you" or whatever. Just because there are money issues, and the sex is lacking.. I may be different than most people, but neither of those are even almost reasons to get out of a relationship. If he is good to you, and you truly love each other, then make it work. The struggles you are facing with the financial troubles, is nothing compared to what some couples face every single day. You can make it, all you have to do is put forth the effort and the patience.

If you're really in love, you'll find a way to make it work.

Best of luck!

Answer 3

Yes, it can be saved, if he's willing to put into it what you are. Once he decides to stop feeling sorry for himself and act like a man, you can move forward,

First, you need to discuss the full details of his circumstances. There should be no secrets and "no other shoe to drop" in regard to this. You can't fix something, if you don't know how badly it's broken.

Next, you need to make a plan: Immediately stop adding new debt, by destroying credit cards and eliminating unnecessary luxuries (e.g. make a morning cup of coffee at home, instead of dropping $15 each week at Dunkin Donuts). Consider seeking the help of a professional financial counsellor and a debt consolidation loan (just shop carefully, if you do).

Create a budget. Compare income to expenses and determine how to cover your needs. See how to eliminate wasteful spending. Try to save, even if it's only $10 per month. It helps develop financial discipline.

Review your progress on a regular basis. Reward your achievements - not with a lavish dinner out, but with an intimate evening in. Reinforce your accomplishments with praise and pride.

Learn modesty and embrace the concept of poverty. You'll be amazed at how much joy life has to offer among all the things that are free. Try a sunset, instead of a movie. Sit by a stream, instead of buying a pool. Converse and read, rather than vegitate in front of the TV.

The good side to this (and, yes, there is a positive) is that you will learn how to survive adversity. And, unlike the population who has had the world handed to them . . . when there is a major economic downturn, you'll be the survivor.

And when it's your turn to sit on top of the world, you'll appreciate every iota of success you have truly earned.

Good luck!

Answer 4

if he hates himself so much i do not think he is going to make any changes, he should have been honest with u in the beginning of the relationship, he seems to have many problems, don't marry this man or get involved with the IRS thing, he also doesn't seem to pay his bills, and wants someone who will take care of all of his needs. but what about your future and dreams, your only 44 Young woman and still have many years left to go, don't waste it on this looser of a man, and no matter what we say, love soon flies out the window when there isn't enough money to have a nice life, who really wants to live in some tent, because someone messed up their finances before we met them, run away from him, he will just ruin your life and make it toxic like he has made his own.

Answer 5

It can only work if he wants it too. Sounds as if he has gotten despressed about money, bills and ect. The main thing is are you willing to carry him the rest of your life. This seems like a trend with him if at his age has gotten into such a mess and not trying out how to get out or at least try. Depression could be one of his biggest problems. If you truely love him then tell him your in it for the long haul with him.

Answer 6

he can be saved, but he's the only one who can do that for himself, NOT you! you can be a friend and love him thru this, but if after a year he cant get himself out of these bad habits you will have to move on. but dont expect him to get rid of these messes with wishful thinking. he will need to see a credit counselor, and possible a therapist to see why he is so irrisponsible with his money and basically his life. also therapy would help alot in the relationship aspect. good luck. i wouldnt say dump him, but you shouldnt be making any long term plans now. and dont be over romantic and think love can get you thru this. love is great, but with his money woes, you need trust and respect. without those love doesn't exsist, so dont fool yourself. good luck!

Answer 7

I think it can be saved - he was probably afraid to tell you the truth for fear that you would leave. Your man is under a lot of stress - if his finances are really that hopeless - why not go see a financial adviser type person - or talk to a lawyer about bankruptcy?

Answer 8

You both need an attitude adjustment. You can be poor living paycheck to paycheck, and living in the cheapest trailer or apartment and be happy. money isn't that important in a happy marriage. You can be rich by treasuring each other.

Answer 9

Tel;l him that u really love him and care about him that the money was no big deal that love is better than having money and that u truly love him and that u only care about his happieness and that u would be willing to do what ever u can do to tmake this work your in it for the better and for the worst

Answer 10

what a mess.....you gonna stay with him because he whines like a baby when you tell him this is not what you wanted in life? Of course he says he hates himself and feels guilty, he figures those are the words that will keep you around....tell him, you don't want to stay with him unless he makes changes, he has to find the hope, find the motivation, suggest counseling, professional help, anti-depressants, anything....but simply staying with him out of your own sense of guilt is not a good reason....