My character has just been betrayed. Does this sound like realistic, believable? This is my first paragraph:
It was a cold hard feeling. It took away any sort of energy. The body was unable to stand in agony as the pain collapsed the spine and tightens the inside of the body, gripping harder and harder. He wanted to tear himself apart because of his stupidity. Why had he opened up? He had shared everything with this man, his secrets, feelings, things he had never told anyone else. Each betrayal begins with trust. That was what Will had given him.
2007-02-24 10:52:45 · 5 answers · asked by beast 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
I would take out the first two sentences since they aren't connecting. Instead I would start with "The body" as your main sentence overlay.
Instead of "He", use the name of the person you're talking about.
I'd use "Tightened" instead of "Tightens". Then one of these: --, after body instead of a comma.
After man, one of these ":" And then capitalize "His".
But other than that, it's not bad. Just needs a little grammatical work and some sentence restructuring. :0)
2007-02-24 11:52:33 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I just want to second Sky. Beginning with the third sentence gives it a much better hook. The first two sentences didn't really grab me.
Best wishes!
2007-02-24 20:08:37 · answer #2 · answered by Globetrotter 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, I think it's good. But why did you say "the body" that part i dont get...u could get a different word for stupidity tho...
But its really good..i really like it
2007-02-24 20:40:36 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you have a good story going,keep on your path.
2007-02-24 19:10:34 · answer #4 · answered by Lionman 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it.. sounds interesting â¥
2007-02-24 19:01:15 · answer #5 · answered by just peachy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋