How do I live without my wife?

Question

I'm separated from my wife now 5 months with no end in sight. We have two kids. I tell I love her and all I get is "That's nice". I have no friends as my whole life has been centered around trying to make them happy and doing everything with them. The loneliness is really starting to get to me. I think I'm going nuts. The pain hurts so much can't stand it. We are going to counselling but I don't know if she wants me anymore. How have people dealt with someone not wanting you anymore? We have been married 13 years and have 2 kids. I'm so lonely. I just want her to give me a hug and tell me that she loves me; that's all I want. I try to give her a hug and she pulls away. Help me tell me what I should do? My mom says I should get a good lawyer. I don't want a divorce. I get sick every time I think about us being in a courtroom sitting on opposite sides. Help me!

I didn't cheat on her. I never have cheated on her. Have never talked with a woman alone in a manner to lead to cheating. I have been verbally abusive though and have realized this. We are very different people and my controlling nature wanted her to be more agreeable with what I wanted to do with our family. I would want to take the kids to the zoo. The answer would be NO. I would want to take our son camping, NO. She would tell me I'm not a Christian because I neglected reading my Bible every day. I tried to do everything with her. Nothing was ever good enough. I wanted to have 4 children with her. She didn't want any more. I realize I pressured her too much. I just wanted our kids not to be lonely (I am an only child). I am in depression right now. I was 220 five months ago and now weigh 170. If I survive, I will be able to write a good diet book. I have battled addictions over the years (food, coffee, video games and yes. porn). I've gave it up and told her (she didn't catch me).

I told her I'm sorry while I was in the hospital with my kidneys about to shut down (I hadn't worked out at the gym for 8 years and I did too much). Two nights after I got home from the hospital, I got on my knees and cried out to God to help me. I got a shrink who put me on anti-depressants (They are not working). I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused our family. I don't know why I did the things I did. I worked 12 hours a day just to get approval from my boss. I realize I should have gone home at 5'o-clock and been more supportive at home. It was just so hard to want to do anything. After 8 cups of coffee at work, I didn't have anything left to give. I don't do that anymore. I'm never going to harsh to her again. I love her so much. The reason we separated is we had an argument over a drawing table I got for my daughter (I like to buy gifts for our kids, my wife is a saver). When I was opening the box with a pocket knife, she put her hand in the way and it got cut. She told me to go.

Answer 1

Oh darlin...I am so sorry to hear about your pain. This kind of situation...is horrible and the biggest challenge of your life.

It is so hard to realize that someone doesn't love us the way we love them. She is not showing you she wants to stay together...she is showing you...she doesn't love you anymore in that way. She wants out.

Marriage counseling is most often the last ditch effort of one party wanting the other person to change the way they feel...which is usually that they want to move on. Sadly...it gives false hope if both people are not both 100% committed to keeping the marriage alive.

Once you have separated...those hugs and telling her you love her etc...those are not going to go over well because it sounds like...she doesn't love you anymore...not enough to stay married anyway. Once separated...it really isn't appropriate.

We can not change the way people feel. I have been on both sides of the coin...so I understand what you are feeling. There is a desperate search to try and keep things going...but...we have to accept where the other person is at. Once love fades away..it is just about impossible to get back.

She cares about you...but that is not enough of what you need honey. Don't you want to be with someone who loves and adores you and will do everything to make a marriage work? Even if she agreed to get back together...she's already shifted her feelings...so chances are it wouldn't work. Sadly...you have 2 children who are going through this too. I am sure this all breaks your heart into little pieces.

So...how do you live without your wife? You have to take a step back...and see the situation as it really is...not as you wish it would be. You learn to live without her...one day at a time...one minute at a time if you have to. You accept that she is choosing a different path. You try to understand what happened...not be harping about it with her...but by looking at yourself and what might have happened. You keep breathing. You find ways to occupy your mind and time. You reach out to friends and family.
You make a decision to accept things you can't change.You make a decision to make choices in your life that will bring you happiness.

You sound like a wonderful man...and it is such a shame...but once you have tried what you can do, accept the brutal truth...I know it seems like it is far more painful to really let go...in truth your life becomes much less painful when you accept what has happened. Then...you can move into your life free of the turmoil churning inside you. It is just going to take time...corny as that sounds.

But you can...and you will find a way. Please consider getting the book "How To Heal Your Heart in 30 Days". It is written by 2 men and is an easy, wonderful, informative, helpful read. It helped me so, so much.

Have faith honey! You will survive.

Take care.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

what caused this in the first place or was it an ongoing problem in which it usually is. If you were messing around on her and for a while, put your chin up and spend as much time with your kids now because she wont be back, and if she made the decision to end this relationship she may be getting attention from another man but that usually wears off and back to you she will be. If you believe this to be true than move on. If you would have said why the sudden change happened I might be able to help a little more dear but also remember this, what you have in front of you will pass just as all things must change, and you can do this and must think about your children whom are the real innocent ones.

Answer 4

It seems like she has checked out of the relationship :-(. You need to get out and meet other people. I know you love her and that this is a devastating - but you still need to build up a life without her just in case.

Try going to a bar and meet male friends, chances are there are some men going through the same thing as you. People are always looking for conversation there. Hopefully some friendships will be built.

Even look for male and female friends online that live in your area - go out and do things with them. Let your wife see that you are having a fun social life. Maybe it will strike her curiosity.

You say that you have spent these 13 years catering to your family and not yourself - this could very well be part of the problem. You need to have adequate interest in your own needs - get those taken care of now! And build your remaining years with balanced relationships and interests.

BUT - if you are the reason for the end of the relationship (cheating on her?) then give up now. You do not deserve to keep her! Hopefully this is not the case though.

Answer 5

three years ago christmas night my i waited patiently for my husbad who had been away to come home, he came in and announced he wanted a divorce, i also felt i was going nuts for six months i hurt, still hurt a little today. u have to get some friends, a support of good trusting people who will allow u to talk about the hurt. when a spouse does this it means they are seeing someone else, and that maybe they just don't love us anymore, we will blame ourselves, but it isn't about us, it is what is inside her. it does take two people to reconcile and make a marriage work, if only one in the marriage wants to it won't ever work. your mom is probroly right, mom's know, if she is pushing u away she is probroly in an affair with someone else, and the best thing u can do is to distance yourself from her, but don't wait on her to return to u. as it will only keep u hurting, when we marry someone there is really no guarantee that that person we love will love us back, or be with us forever. at some point we do have to make a decision and take one road or the other. personally if it has been 5 months with no sign of change i would start planning divorce. unless she is willing to sit down and work it out there is no hope, but when these things happen it realy isn't about you or anything wrong u have done, its all about her selfishness. getting over someone is a process, it comes in stages, but what we do have to do is accept the truth and see it for what it really is, and not fool ourselves.

Answer 6

Awww. I'm sorry. I agree with your mother it isn't going to hurt in getting a good lawyer. You might need counseling outside what you are getting with your wife to deal with some of your emotions. You just have to take each day at a time. You need to find something that will help occupy your time. I also agree that you should give her some space. I understand you don't want a divorce but realistically if that is what she wants you will have no choice. I hope you work through your problems getting divorced after 13 years has got to be tough. Good Luck.

Answer 7

Breaking up is very difficult especially for the children involved. I think if your wife is rejecting you, if you keep trying to get her attention and love, you'll keep pushing her away. Focus on your children. Spend time with them, reassure them that you love them. And even though the thought of divorcing her is painful, it will be more painful if she uses her lawyers to take your children away and you never see them again. So for that reason, get the best lawyer you can afford, as quickly as possible. You can't make anyone love you. And whether you can make her fall back in love with you is not the question. Do you really want to be involved with someone who is doing this to you? This is something to thing about. Its not easy, yet you may have to let here go.

Answer 8

You need to prepare for the eventuality of a breakup. If it happens, you'll need to have someone to support you emotionally. If you can, get into some counseling group where people discuss their problems with others. If you have too much time in your hands, do some volunteer work at a hospital or an old people home or work with kids. Being busy helps. Try to eat right and to do some exercise.
Good luck to you.

Answer 9

You need to start by getting a life. This means she knows that you are sitting around waiting for her. You are chasing after her in a since. She sounds like she was a little spoiled on getting her way. I think that if you start doing things without telling her where you are every minute of your day and focus on you and meeting new people and don't whatever you do let her hear you say that you love her,miss her,that you are lonely, nothing. She knows you love her but by you seeming so needy ,lonely,lovesick, she is seeing you as weak. A woman is not attracted to this when they are in her state of mind. You need to act like everything is just fine and you are just fine and the mystery of not knowing your every move and Seeing you all better might change that attitude that she has. I think its wonderful what you say but I'm not in her shoes. If i were honestly you would be making me sick , so get yourself together and present yourself as a man.
a strong man with a happy not wimpy attitude.

Answer 10

I am sorry that she is putting you through this, but you have to admit that you are hurt and deal with the fact of loosing her... I had been with my partner for 11 years and I did not see my life with out him, but now I am glad I don't have that headache and that heartache... Don't dwell on something you can not change.. She is out for her right now, and by you trying to sweet talk her to coming back to you is only making her rebel more.. You need to back away... I am sure there are some woman around you that you find attractive, ask them out and slowly move on... NO woman wants a man that someone already has... So if you show your soon to be ex wife that she is no longer a problem and you know that she is not the only woman that you can love, trust me she will start to come around more... Jealousy is a bitc**....