How do I begin to forgive my parents?

Question

At 39 yrs old, I recently had an epiphany and realized my anger over my childhood has been holding me back for most of my adult life. I love my parents, but my dad is an alcoholic and my mom is a classic enabler. I now know that I must find forgiveness in my heart, let all of the anger go, and move forward. But I have no idea how to begin this process. My parents are not aware how angry and hurt I am; I see no reason to discuss it with them; this is all internal. Advice?

Answer 1

A good starting place is to realize that forgiving your parents isn't for *their* benefit, it is for *your* benefit. It is all about replacing anger with compassion and love. In saying that you love your parents, it seems evident to me that you *have* started the process; you might be farther along than you think.

A good therapist, or a pastor who is specifically trained in mental health counseling (a tiny percentage of them) will be of immense help to you. If you don't know a good pastor and can't afford a therapist, seek out a Salvation Army social service center, or Catholic Social Services -- both offer nondenomination counseling from a Christian perspective.

In my own personal experience, forgiveness comes easier when I realize that the people who may have hurt me were themselves hurt by their own parents, relatives, exes, etc. None of us get through life without hurting someone -- and awareness of that fact itself helps move us towards forgiveness of others.

Answer 2

You have already made the first step in realizing why you are angry and admitting that your anger is holding you back. While you may chose to never disclose this to your parents, you do admit that you still love them. From my own personal experience, you need to start embracing that love and letting go of all the anger. You may need to talk to a counselor to help you get through all of this but in the long run you will be glad that you did. Going through life with a heavy heart and guilt over your anger is no healthy way to live. Start loving so you can start living. Good luck and God bless you!

Answer 3

Just go slowly--they may not be able to accept your new life and try to pull you back into the alcoholic games in the family!! Some people are so deep into their family position that they do not know how to relate to people any other way!! Sacrificing your new health is NOT worth it just in order to have a life with your parents.

Answer 4

For me, realizing that my parents are just imperfect humans helped me to begin the process of forgiving them. And no matter what they did (or didn't) do, somehow I've managed to make it just fine... and will continue to do so. I've come to accept my parents just as they are, flaws and all.

I don't know if this helps... but I thought I'd share this with you anyways.

Answer 5

This is something I struggled with regarding my mother. The 2 critical things for me were receiving Jesus as my Savior (knowing He loves me no matter what) and choosing to forgive her. This was a process of asking for God's grace to help me forgive her, just as He forgave me of my sins, and whenever, I thought of things she had done to make me angry, I would stop myself to actively remind myself that I forgave her. It seemed that when I forgave her for 1 thing, I would think of something else that upset me, so then I had to forgive her for that too. One crucial thing that I was reminded of is that I wouldn't be here or have any life if it weren't for my parents, so being angry with them is a reflection of me being angry with God for giving me life in the first place.

Answer 6

uh, go to church. listen to the preacher. talk to the preacher about how you feel about all of it. he/she will give you great advice.