10 Points!!! i wrote this essay and i was hoping you can read over it?

Question

it was suppose to be on 3 par.
hope it's ok.

8 minutes ago
oh i'm in 8th grade, so is it good for an 8th grader


The two men, Benedict Arnold and Aaron Burr have many things in common. They are both best known for being a traitor. Aaron Burr is considered a betrayer because of his duel with Alexander Hamilton, (Burr’s long-time political enemy).In which the duel ended with Hamilton mortally injured, and later dead. Benedict Arnold is seen as a traitor because of what he plotted to do. Arnold’s scheme was to give up the American fort at West Point to the British. He would do it all for just 20,000 pound and a brigadier’s commission. Once Arnold found out that his plan had failed he fled to the British. Since his plot didn’t succeed he was made a brigadier general, but only 6,000 pounds. They were both put into exile. Before the men were outcasts they were heroes of the Revolutionary War. Burr was a hero because he saved Quebec. He was left by himself as captain at headquarters

this question doesn't have my whole essay, but my other question does. could u go to my account thing an read my whole essay. then see what u think.

thanks so much

Answer 1

I think that is is very well written. i am not sure if you are looking for criticism but the last 2 sentences re confusing and I am not positive if they have any relevance to the essay. It was really concise and you got the essential info across.

Answer 2

I'm in 7th grade and for 8th grade, this paper should be much better. I think it's a marginal essay and it could be improved very much.
A good paper should really be worked over; ask your parents to help you edit this paper also. Don't be afraid to work hard with this paper.
Tips:
In the second sentence, it should be "They were both best known for being TRAITORS."
Parenthases are not needed to enclose "Burr's long-time....". A comma does the trick.
"He would do it all for just 20,000 pound and a brigadier’s commission." That sentence isn't very informative to the average person who doesn't know what a brigadier's commission is. Do you know what it is? If so, explain more what that reward really was and meant to him. If not, do some more research.
You might want to say that Arnold's scheme took place in the Revolutionary War. It's impossible for an uninformed person to know what West Point is.
the word "both" is over-used.
You went into too much detail about Benedict Arnold's plan. If you wish to keep those details, I would write more about Hamilton's duel with Burr. It doesn't give much, or any, detail about the "duel" and why that made him a traitor.
"Burr was a hero because he saved Quebec. He was left by himself as captain at headquarters"- the previous phrase is very randomly placed. I think your layout should be like this:
1.Introduction
2. Why they are alike
3. Aaron Burr's story
4. Benedict Arnold's story
5. Closing
Your facts are sort of oddly skewed throughout the essay giving it the feel of a 3rd grade essay. A more structured layout will help this piece. Most of the fact are there, but a few more could be needed. A bit more length to this piece will put it over the top. The main purpose of an essay is to inform and pursuade someone to think the way you do. The more information and background you give, the more your teacher will agree with you and learn from your essay.
Good luck!

Answer 3

Good topic, good info, too. May I make a few suggestions on sentence structure?

Benedict Arnold and Aaron Burr have many things in common. They are best known for being a traitors. Aaron Burr is considered a betrayer because of his duel with Alexander Hamilton, (Burr’s long-time political enemy). The duel ended with Hamilton mortally injured, then later died. (Insert a date here)

Benedict Arnold is seen as a traitor because of what he plotted to do. Arnold’s scheme was to give up the American fort, West Point, to the British. He would do it all for just 20,000 pounds and a brigadier’s commission. Once Arnold found out that his plan had failed, he fled to the British. Since his plot didn’t succeed he was made a brigadier general, but for only 6,000 pounds. They were both put into exile. Before the men were outcasts, they became heroes of the Revolutionary War. Burr was a hero for saving Quebec and was left by himself as captain at headquarters .( INsert a date within this sentence)

I hope that this helps you.

Answer 4

Benedict Arnold and Aaron Burr have many similarities in terms of character. They are both best known for being traitors. Aaron Burr is considered a betrayer because of his duel with Alexander Hamilton, (Burr’s long-time political enemy). In this duel, Hamilton was mortally injured, and dead soon afterwards. Benedict Arnold is seen as a traitor because of what he plotted to do. Arnold’s scheme was to give up the American fort at West Point to the British. He would do it all for just 20,000 pounds and a brigadier’s commission. Once Arnold found out that his plan had failed, he fled to the British. Since his plot didn’t succeed he was made a brigadier general, but only for 6,000 pounds. It is ironic that Arnold and Burr were both put into exile while they were heroes of the Revolutionary War. Burr was a hero because he saved Quebec. He was left by himself as captain at headquarters.

I think u need a conclusion. It's fine overall. I've edited some parts. There is some wrong grammar, though. But it's nice.

Answer 5

It's hard to judge without knowing what the assignment was. When you say "it was supposed to be on 3 par" do you mean it should have three paragraphs?

Good essays generally have one idea per paragraph. Since you are writing about what the two people have in common, you might want to use one paragraph to write about each thing and the details for each. Your essay could have three topic paragraphs: one about how they were traitors, one about how they were exiled and one about how they were heroes.

Since you are comparing the two individuals, if you tell something about one person, you should also tell it about the second. For example, when you talk about their heroism, since you explain Burr's deed, you should also discuss Arnold's.

Good essays always have an introduction and a conclusion. The introduction tells what you will discuss; in your case, you would say something like "Arnold and Burr had much in common, such as both being traitors, being exiled and being considered heroes at one time." The conclusion summarizes your essay and as a nice advanced touch might give the reader some reason for wanting to know the information in the first place, in other words, "why is this important to me?"

I don't see any spelling errors in your essay, (no wait, I do see a typo) but there are grammatical errors such as an incomplete sentence and improper comma use.

Make sure you put things into your own words and understand what you're saying. I wonder, for instance, if you know what "mortally injured" means. Everyone who is mortally injured ends up dead, so it makes me think you copied that phrase from a book without knowing what it really meant.

As far as your essay being informative, it definitely is! I knew that Benedict Arnold was a traitor and I knew that Burr fought Hamilton. All the rest of what you wrote were details I had never even heard before! Good research!

Good luck on the assignment!

Answer 6

Ok, I am assuming "be on 3 par" means it is supposed to be 3 paragraphs long. You have one.

Your first sentence isn't needed, because you are only talking about how they were traitors to their country. Start with your second sentence, only spice it up a bit, like this:

Benedict Arnold and Aaron Burr were Americans who were once loyal and important Americans who became traitors to their country.

You add the "loyal and important Americans" part because you are going to add that to your paper for two reasons: 1. The fact that they were important to America makes their traitorous actions even worse 2. You've gotta write 3 paragraphs, and you need to stretch out your prose.

Ok, now finish out this paragraph by saying something like I did in reason 1 above. A good opening paragraph states not only a fact (they were traitors) but WHY what they did was really bad. You could also say something like: If these men had not held positions of trust, their actions would not be well known today and they would not be held in so bad a light by history. Or something like that--for heaven's sake, put it in your own words. I'm 56 years old, and am using "old man" sentence structure!

Now start your second paragraph. It should be about Benedict Arnold. Why? Because he is the first man you mention in your first sentence. The reader is expecting to read about him first.

Start out the Benedict Arnold paragraph telling about how important he was to George Washington. You can find out how by reading the second paragraph of this wikipedia article:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benedict_Arnold

Next, tell what made Arnold so mad that he decided to betray West Point. That information is in that same second paragraph.

Finally, add what you say about Arnold's betrayal, which is well written except for this sentence: "They were both put into exile". You were only talking about Arnold here, so "both" is not the right word to use-say "he" instead.

Now do the Burr paragraph. You've got a good start--use part of the last three sentences to start it: "Burr was a hero of the Revolutionary War. He was a hero because he saved Quebec." I don't know about that last sentence-it doesn't make sense. Instead, add something about him becoming Vice President of the US. THEN put in your sentences from the beginning about Burr's duel with Hamilton. By the way, it should read like this:
"Aaron Burr is considered a betrayer because of his duel with Alexander Hamilton (Burr's long-time political enemy), in which the duel ended with Hamilton mortally injured." Note no comma after "Hamilton", and "in" is not capitalized--it is part of the same sentence. You don't have to add "and later dead" because "mortally wounded" tells the reader Hamilton died. You may wish to check the wikipedia article about Burr, because there is a little bit more to his betrayal to his country than the murder of Hamilton--at least that is what many people think. Read the 4th paragraph here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aaron_Burr
to discover what it was.

Make sure your last sentence says again what your first sentence did, only in different words--that Arnold and Burr are both considered traitors to our country.

Hope this helps.

Answer 7

It seems a little short and check for grammatical errors, like it should be "(Burr's long-time political enemy), in which the duel ended with Hamilton..." and "20,000 pounds" and add commas after "that has plan had failed" and "Before the men were outcasts"

Answer 8

I'm in grade 8 too, and by my teacher's standards, that would not be an essay. That needs to be spruced up a LOT before it's any good. You don't have to listen to me cause your teacher could be different, but it's just my point of view.

And trust me, my teacher is very strict about proper essay format and length. The minimum for our class if 5 paragraph's. Not to be the odd one out but if my teacher saw the comments saying that this was good, he would go balistic!!!

But if you were doing creative writing, journal entrys or something short like that, I'd say that it's pretty good.

Answer 9

i do not comprehend how previous you're so i do not comprehend what factor to assume yet the following is what i assumed. you want to boost lots of the language, i imagine those adult men were terrible isn't a literary word, there are others by out. also attempt to imagine of further suitable variations between Burr and Arnold, conserving that he turned right into a feminist is tremendous, conserving he became into warfare isn't. lower back "into warfare" isn't a literary word and it really is totally random, be extra particular. for instance you should claim that he became conventional for his exhilaration and ruthlessness in conflict. also the entire element is a touch bland, to be straightforward I in effortless words study the first 0.5 of the finest paragraph, I in simple terms wanted to end already. don't be afraid to be ingenious and upload some personality for your writing. you should write a usual draft which will be a touch bland and then do a second draft including some zing to it. Over all it really is reliable notwithstanding, in the journey that your interior the sixth or seventh grade you could assume and A- or so on it.

Answer 10

This essay is really good for an 8th grade just add a little more details and also write the numbers out. I teach tenth grade in Hoston, Tx