What should I do about my husband?

Question

I am only 20 years old, and I'm married to a man that is wonderful... until he gets angry. We've only been married for almost 2 years. We have a beautiful 8 month old daughter together. My husband was actually physically abusive to me for a while, until I told his mother. He didn't care about what I thought, but he cared how his mohter felt so he stopped for a while. Well, today he was upset about bills that are piling up and we got into an argument. He took my purse and smashed everything in it and threw it at me but I dodged it. He broke my make-up, pictures, etc. I have no job because he won't let me have one that guys might work at. I haven't gotten to work for over a year and no one wants to hire me because I haven't worked for so long. He doesn't work right now, and is dragging his heels to find a job. I have no money of my own, no license because he won't let me get it. He thinks if I drive around alone, I'll meet someone new. I have an anxiety problem and he's making it worse.

Thank you to everyone that answered. I plan to do some research and secretly perhaps find a job. (By the way, he claims he doesn't want me working with guys because it's the guys he doesn't trust.. pfft.) Yesterday, he had taken all the cords in the house, so I couldn't use the computer or television and he left for a while. I had the baby alone and I was a mess. I don't think this is a good situation for either of us. I thank everyone for your advice, because I am too young and beautiful to let someone like this get me down. If I could rate everyone's anser the best, I would. Thank you all again!

Answer 1

I have to say that I see alot of my mothers situation in your situation. The first red flag I saw was the fact that your husband doesnt care what you think. A marriage should be 50/50 and he should care about your opinions and what you want, ad you should do the same for him. It is really bad that he doesnt care what you have to say. If he really loved you he would care about how you felt when he hit you and he would stop. As his wife he should want to bring you pleasure not pain. It is good that he respects his mothers wishes but he should treat you with the same respect he grants his mother. If he woudnt hit her, he shouldnt hit you. It seems to me that your husband is very controling, my father was exactly like this and as a baby he left me alone but when I got to be about 3 or 4 and started being louder and more active he started to beat me as well. Your husband may start to do the same thing since he seems to blame others for his problems. You should not get blamed for his porblems, he needs to find a way cope with stress that does not include violence towards anyone. I think it would be best if you went away from him for awhile to protect yourself and your baby, is there family you can stay with? I dont hear of many men who behave like this changing, he needs counciling to help deal with his anger issues. Your safety is very important, you cant just sit around waiting for the next bad day he has, so you know when to avoid getting hit. I'm sure you've seen the movie Enough its pretty realistic, you shouldnt keep yourself in a position like woman. People die from having a bad head trauma or the wrong bone stabbing into an organ, your husband doesnt even have to hit you that hard, for these kinds of things to happen. He should also respect your stuff, a womans purse is important to her and every self respecting guy knows that. He should want you to be happy above all else and taking out his anger on you is not, what is going to make you happy. My mom stayed with my dad for 10 years, thats 10 years of very bad physical and sexual abuse and it didnt start out that bad for her either, just a few things throne her and there, but as time went on it got worse, it always does. So if you are staying with him cause you think your baby needs a dad, well thats not the case lots of kids turn out just fine with one parent, and if they have two parents and one is abusive, trust me that will cause even more damage then a single parent family can. Dont give your kid the chance to get beaten when its older. If your husband doesnt get help and learn other ways to handle his anger, he clearly needs counciling. If he was in an abusive home himself then he deffinetly needs to get help to deal with that. In most people's reasoning there is really only two reasons to get a divorce these are cheating and Abuse. If these problems get to big or cant be worked on through counciling it is best to get out, and get a divorce. Some people feel like they are a failure when this happens cause they couldnt keep their marriage together but you have tried for 2 years now, he needs to start trying to help himself by getting a job and getting psychological help. He is a man and (woman can work as well) but he needs to support you and his baby and later on after his counciling maybe he will let you get a job. I can understand that he is insecure, this is shown by his not letting you do anything because he is afraid you will meet another man, he needs to learn to trust you. Your his wife marriage is supposed to be based on trust. Anyways I hope I was some help I am positive you love him a lot otherwise you wouldnt have sought for help. I hope it all works out ok for both of you.

I left some internet sources that can explain things a little better then I can and that I hope will be very helpful.

Answer 2

Get out of this relationship before he seriously hurts you... My girlfriend used to have exactly same problem, she got married at 18, had a daugter and everything was going well. Then her husband lost his job and couldn't find a new one. He became frustrated a started physically abuse her. Once he broke her arm, she took a baby and went to her mother. He begged her to come back, brought her flowers and stuff, so she did and he was nice to her for a while, but after some time he would abuse her again. Then she got pregnant again {with his baby, of course, he wouldn't even let her go shopping without him so she couln't meet somebody} and he got upset, because he didn't want another child. He started arguing and he ended up beating her, and didn't stop untill she was heavily bleading. She lost her child and she probably won't be able to have another one. It is now one year later, she has more scars then you can imagine and guess what - she is still with him. I only see her when she is taking out the trash, because she is not allowed to go out or see anybody. But she says that those times when he is nice to her are worth of staying with him. I guess some people just don't get it untill they get killed. Oh and by the way he recently started beating their little daughter, you don't want that to happen to you, right? So do something about it now, you are still so young, you are going to meet someone much better who will be nice to you. You just have to be brave and leave him. You have to do it for you and your baby.

Answer 3

Get rid of this guy..He's a control freak!! I used to date someone just like that and believe me the best thing to do is leave NOW!! You need to call your parents and get the hell away from this guy...Cause trust me when I say.. things will not get better, only worse if you stay..I know personally what can and will happen if you stay..I thought the guy i was with was wonderful also...yeah right!! When I tried to go get a job I got the **** kicked out of me..So seriously get out now it's not a good relationship to be in for you or your daughter..

Answer 4

Honey, take it from me get out now. Please, I was married to a guy like that years ago. i didn't work because he wouldn;t let me and he went from job to job. we cant tell you what to do but just hope and pray you do what is right, what u know is right. you deserve better. I am 33 and was 21 when i was married to that guy and when i think now back to what i went through i shiver. we had two children together before i left. he started turning on the children after he got i guess bored abusing me. your husband will do the same. you are young and can still straighten your life up. i moved in with family, went to college, graduated, and remarried years later. it can happen. PLEASE get away. some how find a way. find a friend or family member! keep us posted!

Answer 5

You are 20 and evidently haven't watched television shows on spousal abuse. Pack your bags and get out with your daughter right now!!!! You are the victim of a control freak with violent tendencies. It is just a matter of time before the violence escalates. Even if he is able to take anger management he still has issues with robbing you of being an individual with a mind and life of your own. You are currently living as his slave no different than those back in the early 1800's. You don't see any danger - but trust me it is there!!!!!!

Answer 6

What are you waiting for to get out? Don't become a statistic. When men tell their wives that they don't want them to have jobs outside of the home because other men will look at them, its because they have controlling husbands. When a man loves a woman, he wants her to be all she can be and the same thing goes for when a woman loves a man. When you are married, you are a equal partner in that union, when a man takes away some of the woman's right to choose, that should be a sign that he will become increasingly worse.

Answer 7

JESUS CHRIST! this is not healthy for you & for your baby. I think the best thing for you is to talk to his mom again, maybe it's best you, him & the baby stay with her for awhile, especially with this financial hardship your going through. If he only cares what his mom thinks then, you tell his mom to talk to him again. You do need a job. I'm sure you will find one even though you haven't been working. You have to keep trying. Please try to have confidence in yourself for your going through a difficult time right now. Your husband is very jealous & insecure, on top of that he's very abusive to the point where it's starting to scare you. His actions are NOT normal. He will need to attend some kind of Anger Management to improve over time. Regardless what he says, i think you should get a job anyway, i also think you should get your drivers license too. You need to! don't let your husband's abusive behavior take control of your life. How are you suppose to raise your daughter? You need to work, so starting right now, you need to make some improvements. Let him be, he will have to change on his own if he's willing to. You have a daughter to worry about, she's the most important thing right now aside from you. You also need to start taking care of yourself. If he abuses you again, physically or verbally, you have to fight back, if you have to call the cops on him, then go ahead & do that. You can't afford to be broken down, who's going to take care of your baby if something happens to you? You have a lot of work to do, start by demanding respect from him. If you want things to get better for yourself, then you have to start making it happen. Do yourself this favor of self improvement. You will be glad later on, when things are better, you'll be proud of yourself that you did something about it before things got worse. GOOD LUCK, and keep your head up.

Answer 8

Your husband is defiantly abusive to you. Look domestic violence up on the Internet. He also is a controlling person. He wants you to be completely dependent on him. That's the reason he won't let get a driver license or work. You deserve better. Wake up.Things will only get worse. Get out now while you are young. Before he hurts you and you end up in the hospital or worse.

Answer 9

Well, at least he lets you have a computer. You said,"I am only 20 years old, and I'm married to a man that is wonderful..." Then you go on to say how terrible he really is. This is not a healthy relationship. I could explain to you the why's and why-not's, but it wouldn't matter. Quite simply:

He needs long-term care and you need OUT!

Answer 10

He sounds like an angry man. You need to get out. Its going to end up bad if you dont get out. If you have a friend or family members home that you could retreat to that would be best. I know it is difficult to let go of relationships but he WONT CHANGE. Whats going to happen when his mother is no longer around? Is he going to revert back to abusing you? He sounds controlling and jealous and it is not healthy for you. Seek emotional support and get out.