Do any mums think I should still feel very sad 26 years after losing a baby full-term.?

Question

This was a very traumatic birht for myself and never ever saw my baby. A decision now I regret so much as I always wonder what she looks like.
I enquired whether any photos were ever taken, but to my dismay that did not come into practise a couple of years later.
I do not know the exact time and day she died and I find it hard to celebrate what should have been her birthday.
I was in too much shock to comprehend what was going on and so days later she was buried but I was not there.
Should I feel this bad year after year.

Thank you taysheah 14. Talking about it to strangers helps. It saves my other children hearing me sad again. x

I feel so blessed at the lovely comments people have sent me. I have taken note of many positive suggestions and thank you so much and I love the idea of planting something but I moving home so I will think of something else.
I have never had a tattoo ( and to be honest dont cherish the thought but I am thinking of having my girl,s names including (Rebekahs) engraved out of view so they will be with me forever. Once again I thank you all.

Answer 1

I think it is entirely understandable that you should still grieve for your baby, especially as you never saw her!

Today a mother who loses their baby at birth will be encouraged to name, look at and hold their baby and be given a photo of them, a lock of hair etc to keep. This helps the grieving process.

It seems to me that you lost out on this very important part of meeting your daughter and grieving for her.

Did you name her?

Even though you didn't get to meet your baby you need to remember she is your daughter and always will be. Name her - celebrate her birthday. Write her letters to tell her of your hopes and dreams. It would be her 26th birthday now. Don't forget about her!

On www.bounty.com there is a community of mums who have lost their babies and they write letters to them, posts etc - they celebrate their children who they love dearly even though these children are not here with them on earth.

Your daughter will always be your little girl and in order for you to cope with not having her with you, you need to devote time to talking to her and celebrating her. I think that some counselling or therapy would really help. It seems as though part of the reason you are still grieving is because your loss wasn't handled the way is should have been 26 years ago.

Answer 2

Hello Jane

I was just wondering what prompted you to ask this question. I ask that because your question sounds to me that perhaps other people that are close to you are telling you should be over it by now. My applogies if that is not the case.......

Grief is such a personal emotion that I don't think there is any amount of time when you think you should be over it.

I am deeply sorry for your loss, a very close friend of mine lost her baby about 5 years ago at full term. It is so difficult as many people seem to think that because there was no time to get to know your baby they wonder why she is still so depressed.

Last year she planted a rose bush in her baby's honour and that has brought her great comfort. She planted it in her garden and everyday she goes to it. She says it makes her feel closer to her and the closer she feels she comes closer in letting her go.....

Not to forget her but to let go of some of the pain.
Perhaps you could do something like this?

Know that it is not a betrayal to the memory of your baby to begin the healing process.

Take care

Answer 3

AS a Fatherbut now divorced, we lost a six week old daughter 50 years ago, and from time I often have a little weep about it. I sit and think of how she would have grown up, and married, and the grandchildren we would have had. I was in the Army at the time and iI had only held her once. I was called home from my camp late at night, and all I was told is your daughter is ill. When I got home I went to the Hospital where she was in an oxygen tent. She died 2 hours later with scepticemia. She weighed 5 lbs and was so tiny. I carried her coffin which was so small. I still visit her at the cemetry and talk to her. Life can be cruel sometimes.

Answer 4

You will always feel sad after losing your baby, i lost my daughter 7 years ago, she was stillborn at 40 weeks, she died after 12 hours in labour at the last 5 minutes, due to a rare complication with the placenta, at the time i thought i would never cope again, and it is hard, and yes 7 years later, im still just as sad deep deep down, i think you just handle it differently as time passes, theres not a day goes by when i dont think about her and all the "what if's?" Ive since had another baby, whos a healthy 18 month old, but it doesn't change the fact that i will always mourn my first born. A part of me felt so guilty for her death, the fact that it happened, and that guilt feeling traps you, it holds you in a depression, you need to find away to put to rest those feelings, i found hypnosis helped me, it helped me to clear the guilt feelings, i will always feel sad for losing her but i dont blame myself anymore. I hope that some of this helps you, my heart goes out to you and anybody else who has been in this situation as its one of lifes worst experiences to go through.

Answer 5

I think losing a baby at any stage of gestation must be traumatic, however, particularly more so of a full term baby. Have you ever spoke to a counsellor - ask your gp to refer you to one. SANDS (stillborn and neonatal death society) is an organisation that should be able to provide you with support. Why dont you decide on a date that you can celebrate her death and maybe plant a tree in your garden as a symbol of remembrance. Is there anyone in your family you could talk to about this, someone who may remember? I really dont think the pain of the death of a baby will go away but if you talk to someone it may help. Good luck.

Answer 6

You are entitled to feel however you like whether it was 26 years ago or 26 days ago. You have unresolved issues which i fully understand. At the time you where in shock and it was not the best time to be making decisions that would still affect you 26 years later. I too gave birth to a son who died. Mine however was a very different experience. After i gave birth i was aloud to keep him with me all night, the doctors and nurses refered to him by name, they took pictures for me and i attended the funeral. All this in the following months helped bring closure for me even though the pain never fully goes you just learn to live with it better. For me it was 13 years ago and i can honestly say with my hand on heart i delt with it exactly how i wanted to and when people told me stupid things like you should be over it by now. They where obviously people who had no experience of loosing a child.
Dont beat yourself up about the fact that at the time you where in shock and made desisions which now in hynsite you would have done differently. You did the best you could at the time with the information that you had. Pick the time she was born and celebrate that, celebrate the lessons she taught you in her short but meaningful life.
Feel sad for as long as you feel necessary. But remember not to feel sad about it any more does not mean you did not love her or that you are forgetting her. It is natural for time to heal, it is natural to accept what you cannot change. She is with you always because she is with you in your thoughts and in your heart, she is alive in you. Let her make you smile, let her memory be a good feeling for you.

Answer 7

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little one. I have a pretty good idea what your going through, I lost my baby when I was 26 weeks in November of 05. I can tell you that whatever your feeling there is no right or wrong. I'm sure you've probably heard this before, but it is true, everyone has their own way of grieving. I can imagine it would be made even more difficult given you were never able to bond with your baby before letting her go. You will never forget your baby, I know I felt guilty sometimes moving on, when I had a day it didn't hurt as bad, But Ive come to realize that even though Ive moved on, my little boy will always be just that, I enjoyed what little time I had with him, and I never go a day without thinking about him. I'm not a religious person, but I like to think one day I will see him again, and will always have a baby to snuggle in heaven, for me to have a baby forever would be heaven! I dint know exactly what day my little boy died, but i think of his birthday as the day that I had him, just like my other two children, its hard to think that you can die before your even born, but I think the day your baby leaves your body would be their birthday. I hope you can come to terms with your loss, please feel free to contact me if you think I could ever help, or you just need to confide in someone who understands, take care.

Answer 8

I don't think you can ever really get over the death of a child, but you never had any closer. You didn't see your baby. You didn't attend the funeral. Those things could have brought a closer for you. You can use some grief counseling. Talk with other parents who have been through the same things. That is the only way you're going to get over this. Just think of your little angel watching you from up above.

Answer 9

It is totally normal to be sad. My father died 17 years ago and I still feel very sad and cry that he died. The loss of a child is why more devastating. This is a baby that you carried in you uterus for 9 months and then when she came out it was dead. I can't even imagine the pain and suffering you have been going through. Try to remember that she is in a better place and is happy. Keep your head up and stay strong.

Answer 10

This is so very sad. I cant imagine how you feel but wanted to say that you must not be upset with yourself that under such shock of the situation you dont have the exact date and time of birth. As for not seeing your baby...its easy for you to say now that you wished you had but clearly at the time it was simply too much for you, and who could blame you. I think you are very brave and no doubt you will always feel this very heavily, I think this sadness will remain with you because I think it is possibly one of the most traumatic things you could ever go through. I think you are too hard on yourself. Take care x x x