Am I trapped or just crazy?

Question

I have been married for 3 years. My husband is a courteous, kind, gentle and loving human being. However, we live in a very small town (I used to live in cities) which has almost 0 job opportunities for either of us. I am college educated and still cannot find work (it's been over 2 years) although I've sent out 10 resumes a week, asked around etc. He lost a major position but can't find work in the area except for p/t. We own a home but don't make enough to keep up with property taxes etc. etc. I've suggested we move to an area where we can find work. He has said no because his son lives here. I am only 33, he is 48. I don't want to spend another day wasting my life away not feeling professionally, intellectually fulfilled. I totally lack purpose right now. My self-esteem is in the toilet. We have gone to marriage counseling. Several times.
What am I not understanding? Thanks for your help.

My stepson is 14.
The closest towns that have viable jobs are 2 hours away (live in VT).
My husband has been a symphony conductor so he's traveled most of his sons life, Lily.

Answer 1

what you are not understanding is that your husband is willing to jeopardize your marriage and your financial future because his son lives in this little town....how silly....you need to take a hard line on this one or pretty soon you will be unhappy, unmarried, homeless and unemployed....good luck to you

Answer 2

You are right, you are only 33 and are looking for things to better your life..being in that town with 0 jobs available...and your husband working part time..eventually you both won't have a place to live. Ok, I understand his son lives there, but how old is his son? Can you not drive to another town(commute back and forth) to get a good paying job for the skills you have instead of having to pack up and move? Either by car or bus/train?? You said your self esteem is down the toilet...is this because you're not working or because your husband says things to you to put you down? What does the marriage counselling say? I think YOU should seek individual counselling to help you cope with all you're dealing with right now and how you're feeling....so you can sort through where your life is going...and what you want to do to change it for the better~GOODLUCK*

Answer 3

It sounds as though the two of you didn't communicate (or communicate clearly) about some key issues before getting married, so now may be the time to really open up to each other even if that means being honest about differences of opinion. Did you ever discuss who, if anyone, would stay at home or if you were both leaning toward more of a two-income household? Have you discussed preferences of living in or near a big city versus in a small town? What about how the two of you envision your future together and plan to coordinate life goals? Good luck to you sweetie. My heart goes out to you.

Answer 4

Give it some more time. I moved out of a big city to a small town up north and it seemed that no one wanted to give me a chance. But eventually I did find a job and everything is fine now. Maybe check into jobs available in the bigger towns surrounding yours. Was this a sudden move or was it planned ? If it was a planned move then the job aspect should of been one of the higher priorities when checking into the town. Good Luck !!

Answer 5

You sound very trapped. How old is his son ? Does he see him on a regular basis ? If not and the son is in high school or college move to the next closest city where it wont be that far for him to go see his son. Sometimes we all have to do things we dont want to do he will just have to suck it up and go on. Also would a better job not benefit his son more. If he wont move maybe you should go ahead and move if he loves you and wants to be with you he will follow, but if not focus on your career and finding a guy who has the same goals in life as you. Good Luck !!

Answer 6

First of all, you and your husband should have discussed the son thing BEFORE you got married. I have always made it clear to any potential man I dated that I would never take my son from the area because of my belief that my son needs to have his father in his life. He and you should have discussed this PRIOR to getting married. BUT since you didn't, now you have to assess the current situation. What do you want more, this marriage and this man and this life?? Or, do you want to move and do all the things you say in your question? Are you willing to give up this man for the other things you need? I always say, to myself, What is my goal? my destination, where do I want to end up or what am I expecting to get if I embark on this (journey, argument, issue...) Also, I ask myself what am I willing to give up or lose if I go this route. Sometimes we go to our spouses with ultimatums and when they refuse to bend to our will or meet our needs we are forced to make a choice on whether to fulfill the ultimatum (sucks when you realize that you didn't mean it, weren't willing to pay the price) or to back down and lose all power and validity. So now I am VERY careful to know my pros and cons before I start a conversation/discussion/argument about something I know will be difficult for my husband and I to discuss. We are clear about what we expect and want from each other. We know that we are two people with different ideas and needs. So we try to meet in the middle but in some areas there is no room for compromise, like about his daughter, or my son.

Answer 7

I can certainly understand how you feel, been there myself. I ended up having to move to the closet city to at least find work. Is there anywhere close enough to you where you could move without it being eons away from your husbands son? I understand how he feels too. But he has to decide what is more important here. Maybe you could suggest moving to a closer city and rent out your home where you are for extra income for awhile. I know what's like to have all kinds of bills piling up and not enough money coming to pay them.

Answer 8

I think you should pursue your career elsewhere. Apply to other cities and perhaps you can make the drive even if its an hour away. Eventually, you'll end up leaving anyway, if you really can't find employment. Maybe he's not as ambitious as you are. It'll catch up to you later, and regret you didn't follow your dreams. Don't let him stop your future. I would suggest going to therapy by yourself and getting some input for yourself. It will give you a different perspective on things and increase your self esteem.

Answer 9

What you are not understanding is that YOU not the most important thing in his life.
He could not make it clearer, either. I strongly advise you to move to a city, get a nice job, and leave him in the small town with his son and the taxes. You are too young to live like an old person...and a poor one, at that.

Answer 10

I was wondering, is there any way you can start your own business?
You have a tough decision on the table here and you two are going to have to really sit down and talk. I guess your choices are:
1. stay and feel unfufilled
2. leave him and hopefully find work that has meaning for you
Maybe make a list of the pros and cons of each?

Answer 11

You are not understanding that his son is number one and always will be. Good for your husband. You should have married a man with no baggage if that is what you wanted. I think it should be mandatory that all divorced couple live within 10 minutes of each other if their are minor children.