Waht am I doing wrong?

Question

my 9month wont stay in his walker.He wants me to hold him for hours.I cannot clean, cook or do anything.He is so spoiled and will fuss and cry if you dont hold him.Should i let him cry?my life is chaos..not to mention the upkeep of my home has detirerated.
I love him dearly but, I am depressed by this.

Answer 1

Ahhh, the joys of the clingy phase! IME it starts anywhere from 5-10 months, and lasts anywhere from 18 months to 3 years! So, there's hope for you yet. It's just probably a long, long way off.... ;)

I subscribe to the philosophy that the more attention you give them, the more needs you meet in infancy, the MORE independant and confident they become as toddlers, preschoolers, older children, etc... And I have seen it borne out, despite my initial misgivings with my first two children. I did question myself at first, I admit. Was I creating little demanding monsters? Was this all going to come back and bite me in the butt?

I stand (well... sit) before you, having gone through this phase SIX times, and tell you that it's true-- they DO eventually outgrow it, and I believe much more quickly and with less frustration due to being attended, rather than ignored.

Me telling you that it works, and that it gets better isn't much help for getting your house clean, though. Here's what kinds of stuff I did with my little Velcro Babies when they were stuck to my hip like... velcro....

1. Some kind of comfy carrier. I used a ring sling mostly, but had a mei tai with my last and liked it too. If you don't have one, see if any friends do and if you can try theirs out for a few days before buying one, so you'll know if it works well for you. You don't have to use it constantly, but often enough that you NEED to be comfortable for more than 10-15 min. at a time in it.

2. Involve baby in your chores. I would give them a bowl or pot with a bunch of baby soap (or bubble-blowing liquid) bubbles in it. No (or very little) liquid, just the bubbles. And a big wooden spoon. Talk about fun! For vacuuming or sweeping, the dustpan & handbroom made a great distraction. Dusting? A damp cloth or sponge and maybe a particularly sticky toy or two. Folding laundry? "Ohhh honey..... come fold this laundry please. I can't-- I'm holding the baby & s/he won't let me put him/her down!" LOL I never figured much way around the laundry because they like to UNfold it as soon as you get a pile going. But I got lots of help from Dh, or he'd offer to take the clingy baby for a while so I could get the laundry finished...

3. Other times, the baby just wanted to be held so they could fall asleep, and after they were dozing soundly I would try to careful disentangle myself from the sling and lay them down for a nice nap.

I did a LOT of stuff with a baby attached to my hip on "bad" days. It was frustrating at times, but after I saw my first two children outgrow it and become these amazing, independent little people, I was confident enough to know I was doing the right thing and that it was truly a NEED, not a whiny want.

In another year when he is almost two, and running away from you every time he gets in trouble (which will be every time you look away for more than a split second!), you will find yourself wishing you were back in the stage when being in mommy's arms (and out of trouble!) was all he wanted....

Trust me... the saying is absolutely true. Babies DON'T keep. Enjoy yours while it lasts!

Answer 2

You need to let him stay in a the walker and cry. I know that seems harsh, but if nothing is wrong with him and all he wants is for your to contantly hold him then he can cry some. By picking him up all the time may stop the cry for the moment, but what is going ot happen when he gets older or when your not around. Yes children need comfort and love, but you are making it harder on him in the long run. What's going to happen to happen when you go out in public and you put him in a high chair at a restaurant, is he going to scream and you are going ot be stuck holding a child and trying to eat your dinner at the same time. It's ok to pick up and hold a newborn, but a 9 month old baby should be able to play with his toys, suck on a passifire, or self suthe on his own. If you don't let him cry some, then he is going to end up with seperation anxiety times 10. I know that it can be very frustrating to hear a child cry for some period of time, but give him some activities or toys to look at while in his walker. Acknowledge his presence by smiling at him, talking to him, or you can even play some music that he may enjoy listening to. Good luck.

Answer 3

Maybe he just doesn't like his walker. Do you have a swing or a playmat or something else for him to do? At 9 months he shouldn't need to be held all the time. My son had a bouncing thing that he loved--it was a car that you put him in and he bounces in it. Try different things until you find something that entertains him. You can try a friend's stuff or buy it and return it to the store if it doesn't work. If nothing works, check with his pediatrician of course to rule out anything medical, but otherwise, make sure he's not hungry, wet, or in pain, put him in a safe place such as his crib or a play mat or playpen and let him cry. He WILL stop eventually and will eventually learn to entertain himself.

Answer 4

The housecleaning can definately wait, you and your baby are far more important. The baby carrier thing is an excellent idea, friend of mine wore one constantly and not because she wanted to! Eventually she found out his back was a little out and needed adjusting.
My 3rd baby did the same to me. I thought i knew it all with her being the 3rd, but when she cried from day one and would not let me stop feeding her I was completly drained. I do admit I didn't let her cry and I couldn't because she would wake her siblings.
I assume he is not crawling? Things should lighten up when he is mobile. My 3rd refused to sleep through the night until I had to give up breastfeeding at 10 1/2 months. She went cold turkey and took formula in the bottle just before bed and slept all night!!
She is now 14 months and is walking and a great delight, happy all day and full of fun. i spoilt her in her first 10 1/2 months because I had to to get through the day, and we are all happy and getting along great now. She goes without me now if she has to and has a little cry but then we find something to amuse her and all is fine. She used to push my buttons and her daddys but once she was in my arms I couldn't resist cuddling her.
10 minutes in his cot with toys and books while you do dishes, vacuum whatever won't hurt him, give him a big cuddle and make him laugh and he will forget all about the tears.
I walked around like a zombie for nearly a complete year but it is true that it will pass. I found a mothers councelling number that was 24 hr that had lovely ladies to help me through really tough times.

Answer 5

I understand you completely! My baby was the same way for a while. What I did is while I was holding her, Id bend down and play with the toys on her walker myself. When she saw me doing it, she wanted to do it too. At first, she would only stay in there about 5 mins or so. But she ended up loving her walker. Shes grown out of it now. Its at her grandmas house and whenever we visit she goes right over to it and starts playing with the toys on it even though she cant sit in it anymore. Another thing that probably wont work but I thought it was pretty funny. My sister was watching her one day and put her in her walker so she could do some dishes. She started to whine after a little while so my sister just looked at her and said, "Do you wanna do these dishes?" She stopped whining immediately and just sat there watching my sister until she was done. She's a smart girl!

Answer 6

It's normal, don't be frustrated. You spoiled him, now you have to break him. You have to ask yourself, who is the Mother? If you let the child know he has control over you like that, you will never clean up sweetie. It's o.k for the baby to cry, and he doesn't have to see you visably cleaning either, you can put him in the high chair,and feed him some finger foods, or let him play in his baby bed with some toys. Then too, he may just be teething and irritated by his teeth coming thru the skin, that is painful, think of your wisdom teeth. It sounds like you are a stay home MOM like myself, and that too can become frustrating, you have to be able to feel you got somethings accomplished thruout the day or you will always be frustrated. Take things a day at a time. Be Blessed, you're not alone.

Answer 7

You're no DOING anything wrong, but your EXPECTATIONS are wrong. Even at 9 months, babies still very much see mom as a part of them, and naturally want to be held and be wherever you are doing what you're doing. Invest in a sling, ring slings are great b/c they can be worn so many different ways, and can be used till baby is 40lbs. That way he can be held and you can still get some things done. It's much more important that he get the security and attachment he needs from you than that you get your house dusted and cleaned. He will only be a baby for so long, and do you want to look back and have to regret not holding him when he needed? It's not just a want for babies to be held, it's a need. They physically, mentally, emotionally, developmentally NEED to be held. It is impossible to spoil a baby with attention and holding. You child will be more willing to venture out on his own sooner if you give him the security he needs now. My son clung to me like crazy glue from the day he was born, but in the last few months (he's 2 1/2) he's suddenly requesting to do things by himself. I didn't have to push - he wants to! I credit that to the fact that I made his needs for me my main priority. Don't become a parent who has to say "I wish I had held my baby more." Crying it out is awful and cruel. And listening to him sit there and scream when you could help him can desensitize you to his needy cries. All crying it out teaches a baby is that he can't trust you to take care of his needs, so he should stop crying since it isn't helping. He doesn't stop needing you to hold him, he stops voicing it, a very dangerous pattern to start. We have a country full of insecure, low-self-confidence people who raise on the ideas that babies can be spoiled, and they should learn to self-soothe. Babies don't need to soothe themselves for heaven's sake! And how soothed would you be if you screamed your head off? Always try and look at it from his point of view - so far, he's still spent HALF his life inside you, where he was always with you, he could hear your heart beat, your breaths, and feel your warmth. It comforts him. Research shows give them comfort as infants/toddlers or pay for not giving it to them later.
Discipline, behavior, intelligence all suffer when the parent isn't securely attached to the child from the beginning, and allowing your child to cry it out damages that attachment. Pray for peace and enjoy your baby. He won't be a baby for long.

Answer 8

I'm with you ... My daughter is 9 months and clingy like that. It IS depressing, and stressful as hell.

However, *sigh* from all the info I've been able to gather, it's important that we actually just hold them as much as we can, because letting them cry only makes the problem worse. It makes sense to me, actually, that at this age mommy is the world to them, a part of them -- and they need to have our attention in order to learn to trust in the world, and to learn that they are worthy of having their needs met. This stage is supposed to last until about 24 months ... yipes.

But I see it as a guarantee of an easier kid in the future, if I try my best to invest the time now. Studies have shown that kids who are "securely attached" to an involved parent during the first 2 years are more confident and independent, earlier.

Might I suggest what a friend of mine does - get a back carrier. They make ones that just wrap around ("mei tai" carrier, check eBay) or nicer ones like the Ergo for long carries. You can do almost any housework with the baby on your back. Once he gets used to it he might let up on you a bit with the crying. Good luck.

Oh, and a poem my mother in law gave me (haha):
"Cleaning and scrubbing can wait for tomorrow,
For babies grow up, I've learned, to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep."

Answer 9

It is OK for him to cry, and you and he both need to learn this. The more you pick him up while he is crying, the more he will cry, because he is learning that's how you get picked up. You know the difference between your baby's urgent cry and his pick me up cry. Try waiting for a break in the cry to pick him up, then he is getting attention for "good" behaviour. He needs to learn that you won't come running every time he makes a fuss. Talk to him while you are doing your thing (still attention but not picking up) and periodically go play with him for a few minutes but still try not to pick him up until your task is completed. Start with things that don't take too long so he can ease into letting you work, then gradually increase the time between play breaks. Hopefully he will come to realize that when you go to do something you will always come back to him.

Answer 10

He is perfictly fine if he cries for a little bit. He is old enough to know what he is doing, and what he is doing is playing you, everytime you drop what you are doing to pick him up is just reinforcing him in what he does works. Just when you are geting things done lets say you need to do dishes bring in his walker and let him watch you, he will cry the first couple of times but he is old enough that it wont last long, a couple of times crying it out and he will get the picture.