Where do you draw the line when parenting your 9yr old?

Question

I know that 9yr olds are definately still kids and need to be looked after in every aspect of their lives. My question is: Should you punish your child if they don't do what they are definatly old enough and responsible enough to do on their own?
I have a very smart 9yr old who won't, do things on her own that her peers can and she isn't ADD or ADHD-trust me. She can't be trusted to get up and get into the shower by herself in the morning- I have to turn on the shower for her and make sure she gets in and have to tell her two or three times to wash her hair and quit playing. Her 9yr old cousin gets into the shower by himself and even makes himself breakfast.
Her room is very organized and everything has a home but when I tell her to clean, she just shoves stuff under her bed and keeps stacking stuff (somewhat neatly) on her desk where she needs the space to do homework. I know she can shower on her own and put stuff where it belongs. How do I punish her (or should I?)

Answer 1

No I wouldn't punish her. i would let her do her own thing. You leave for school at 8:30 am. If she is not dressed or showered, you can take her in her pj's (I would pack clothes and a brush for her to use in the school bathroom). If she doesn't clean her room, tell her in two hours you are going in wiht a garbage bag and everything not put 'neatly' away is gone. It sounds tough... but at this age she is past punishments. You are now down to cause and effect. You are now down to 'life happens... suc it up fall apart'. You need to prepare her for the real world where this don't fly. School is like work. You go on time... but the time managment is up to you. If you want things.. you need to take care of them... That is just life. Period.

Answer 2

Why don't you ask the cousins mom and dad what they did? Or ask yourself if you are doing what it takes to raise a kid. You are not supposed to be her buddy. You are supposed to MAKE her do what she is supposed to. Whatever it takes. If she does not like it so much the better. Perhaps it will motivate her to follow the rules.
Post a list of do's and don'ts. If she complies everything is ok. If not punishment. You should give her choirs to do that is solely her responsibility. This is not punishment it is responsibility.
Punishment should be in the form of grounded. No TV, no entertainment and so on. No going out. No friends over.

It is amazing that society has gone from guiding children to allowing children to run the parent.

If you think you have a problem now, wait 2 or 3 years.

Do not be an enabler. Take charge. It is your duty. She will be happier and so will you.

Answer 3

Okay first off it is okay to punish your child for this. She is old enough and she should be doing this stuff on her own. First off wit her bedroom if she doesn't clean it right take everything off the floor and put it in a trash bag. Tell her if she can't keep her room clean its going in the trash. Don't trash it though. Put it in a good hiding place for a few weeks. This works a lot with kids on the first time. My friends did it right after Christmas three years ago and trust me thier rooms are spotless.

As for the other stuff start grounding her. Tell her she can't go out or do things unless she's can do stuff on her own. Make sure she knows how important it is to be clean.

Answer 4

AS Dr.Phil says.. every kid has their currency... Maybe taking away playstation, cell phone, TV, or something that child values for a specific period.. Also as far as showering etc.. Let them go to school dirty and grimmy, maybe the other children teasing them and a loss of friends (due to no one wants to hang out with a slob) will get their attention.. Id also go through their room with a large trash bag and say everything that isnt in its place, goes into the bag.. put the bag in the garage and tell the child if after 30days, it isnt sorted, it goes to charity.. and dont buy any replacements.. You need to be gently firm and allow this child to take charge of their own responsibilities... They can wash and iron their own clothes by this age.. Id just not do their chores and tell anyone visiting that you are having life lessons with your child and apologize for any embarrassment or dirtiness that lesson brings when having guests.. just shut the childs door at that time..

Answer 5

You mentioned, she isn't ADD or ADHD, is that because she has been tested? You described some of the symtoms of a possible disorder. She can be very intellegent and still have either one of them. You also are comparing her to her cousin, so you know there is something that is not right in her development, and her capability to organize and complete tasks. Have her take her shower the night before. Set a timer and tell her she needs to be out of the shower by the time it goes off. You may also have to guide her as she does her chores. Children that cannot put their thought process in order long enough to start and complete a task in the way that it needs to be done has some type of problem processing the information as to what they think you are wanting them to do. You could start a star chart to reward her for completeing any tasks that she completes on time.

Answer 6

I wouldn't punish her. Every kid is different, and will show their independence soon enough. Maybe suggesting a shower a night would work better than taking one in the morning. If her room is organized enough for her, then just let it go. Sometimes the less we focus on stuff the more apt they are to do it by themselves. She's just sounds like a typical 9 yr old to me.

Answer 7

Yes, a nine year old should be capable of doing these things themselves. She doesn't do it because she doesn't HAVE to. You do it for her. I don't mean to offend, but as part of my job I teach parenting and it's also part of my job to be honest with people about things they can improve upon. I teach my parents that all behavior has a consequence. Some consequences are positive and some are negative. It's our responsibility as parents to teach our children how to live responsibly and make appropriate choices. So, in essence, yes, you should offer consequences for your daughter not performing tasks she is capable of doing. One thing to consider is that the consequence must match the behavior. For example, if she stuffs things under her bed and that's not a behavior you want her to display, offer the choice to correct the behavior or lose the privilege of having those things. If she chooses not to correct the behavior, accept her choice and take the things she's stuffed and put them up saying "I see you've chosen to have your things taken away. You may have them back when you show me you are able to clean your room properly." You must follow through with your discipline. As for the shower, you might consider moving shower time to the evening when things are not so rushed and as for not showering properly after a few days of greasy hair, her friends will more likely than not mention it to her and that in and of itself is a consequence that she won't particularly care for and will probably correct the behavior herself. Of course there are other forms of consequences to correct this behavior just make sure they match the behavior. You can be loving and respectful and still be firm. Hope this helps.

Answer 8

It sounds to me such as you disrespected her via no longer looking out for her sons secure practices the 1st week and then she have been given back at you via embarrassing your daughter. Its excess of the line what she did however. She could have basically informed your daughter replace in a bathing room stall because of the fact probability is a boy that age enjoyed seeing your daughters "bare hiney" the two you and the different parent could choose paintings interior the parenting section

Answer 9

I live with my 8 1/2 year old sister, and she is not quite expected to do those things all by herself. She IS expected to shower, but it's a guided process, she still gets her hair washed for her, b/c otherwise it may not get washed well, and she still has to be prompted to even get in the shower (actually, she has to be argued with, b/c she hates to bathe!), she must be reminded to brush her teeth, eat her breakfast, do her homework, go to bed, get up, and lost of other various things. As for cleaning her room, she's supposed to do it, but she gets a guide for what she's supposed to do with what, otherwise she'll stop mid-cleaning to play with something and forget to finish. So, we remind her to clean up her dress up clothes, clean up her dolls, clean up her books, etc. I definitely would NOT punish what's going on with your 9-year-old. The only behavior that should be punished is willful disobedience, and that's not what's happening here. Some 9-year-olds are able to do those things themselves, some just aren't ready. And pushing them to take more responsibility than they're ready for can be seriously disastrous later. Too much responsibility too soon results in adults who refuse to handle the responsibilities they have to, and they become never-ending adolescents. All kids are different. When I was 8-9 years old, I cleaned my room, did my own laundry (but only mine!), washed some dishes, got up by myself, stuff like that. But I have a completely different personality than my little sister. Where I was thoroughly independent, she's always been very dependent. So, sit back, and give it time. And definitely don't point out the comparisons to his cousin to your son, I'd try not to point them out to yourself, either!

Answer 10

I have a nephew like that-I'll tell you what worked in my case. I just don't give him the opportunity to do such things. He is well taken care of, and has minimal chores. I don't think showering herself and picking up her messes should have to be so difficult with your child. I just let it be known with my nephew that it WILL get done, and then he can go play basketball or do what he wants. With the shower, I would just let her know what is expected of her. You may want to try to treat her like a toddler, and inform her when she doesn't act her age, she should see how life is different at different ages.