Now, here's a challenge...?

Question

I'm leaving this question open in hopes that someone with a good sense of humor will answer it. The challenge is to make me laugh the hardest. I expect wit, intelligence, and effort in the jokes. If it's dirty, it must be discreet. Crude humor will not be tolerated. Neither will any type of prejudicial joke, either.

Simple enough? You try.

Answer 1

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Answer 2

I like this one:

Two guys meet in heaven.
Guy 1: hi, how did you die?
Guy 2: I froze to death.
Guy1: woa, sorry dude, that musta been really unpleasant.
Guy 2: well, it certainly wasn't a walk in the park. So, how did you die?
Guy 1: I died of happiness.
Guy 2: What?? How on earth can you die of happiness??
Guy 1: well, for months I thought my wife was cheating on me. So, one day, I came home early and I searched the whole house. I looked in the attic, in the cellar, under the bed, in the closet, I even looked in the cabinet under the sink in the bathroom. But since I didn't find anyone, I was so happy, that I died.
Guy 2: you IDIOT, had you looked in the fridge then I wouldn't be dead!

Answer 3

This guys' wife has been having an affair for a few months now, and he didn't suspect a thing. Then, one day her and her lover were in their bedroom when she heard her husbands car pull up in the drive way. Immediately, she told him to hide long enough for her to distrcat her husband so he could get out. So he ran into the bathroom, but forgot his clothes, so the wife shoved them under the bed. A second later her husband comes into his bedroom to find his wife layiong there waiting for.
She says "I've been waiting for you to come home all day".
Her husband says "Well this is a nice welcome, but I'll just be in the bathroom for a minute". He opens the bathroom door to find a naked man just standing there.
"Sir, who are you and what are you doing here?" he demands.
The wife's lover says "I'm the exterminator; and I'm here to take care of your moth problem".
"Then where are your clothes," the husband demands.
The guy looks down at his naked body and says "Those little sons of *******!"

Answer 4

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.



ANOTHER>>>>>>>>>>>

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Answer 5

at the border in Israel, there is a very high securite in one spot.
there was a man wo wuld cross this place every week on a motorcycle with 2 bags of furitlizer.
now the border patrol knew he was smuggling sumting, just not wat.
they would take apart the firtilizer bags apart and check everything: for drugs, plants insects, anything. they never found anything.

then one day, 25 years later, a border patrol met the man on the motorcycle. now the boder patrol was retired and told the man:
"i kno u were smuggling sumtin but wat? im retired now, but i must kno!"

so the man smiled and replied:
"it was a different motorcycle everytime"

Answer 6

One day, this man on his horse went into a bar in mexico, leaving his horse outside. He had a drink and was about to leave, when he noticed that his horse was missing. He went back inside the bar, pulled out his gun and fired it at the ceiling. "ok, who took my horse?" NO one replied. So he said "if i dont see my horse outside by the time i finish my drink, i'll do what i did in texas." So he has another drink and when he finishes, his horse is waiting outside. one of the bar patrons cant resist asking "So what did you do in Texas?" The man replied "I walked home"

Answer 7

i donno if mines is funny, but i'll give it a shot

A little girl went to her mom and asked "Mom, how old are you?"
Her mom replied," It is rude to ask adults that."
Then that little girl asked, "Mom, how much do you weigh?"
Her mom replied," Its is rude to ask adults that too."
Then the little asked, "Mom, why did daddy divorce you?"
Her mom said, "I'll tell you wen you grow up."

So that little girl went to school and she told her friend, "My mom won't tell me anything" Her friend said, "Then just look at your mom's driver's lisence and it'll tell you everything."

So that little went home and looked at her mom's D.L. She told her mom, "Mommy, i noe how old you are."
Her mom said, "How?"
The little girl said "45"
Her mom was shocked, "How'd you know?"
The little girl then said, "Mommy, i know how much you weigh."
Her mom said, "How?"
The little girl said, "243"
Her mom said "How'd you know?"
Then the little girl said, "Mommy, i know why daddy divorce you...."
Her mom stood quiet.
"....because you got an "F" in sex."







If you don't get it... F stands for Female but the little girl thought it was a grade. HOpe that was funny enough.




***********************ANOTHER******************

One day, a guy went up to a girl afterschool and said, "If you climb up the flag pole, i'll give you $ 1" The girl said, "Sure why not?" So she climbed the flagpole and got a dollar. When she went home her home asked "Where'd you get that money?" She then told her mom what happened. Her mom freaked out and said, "Don't EVER do that again. They just want to look at your underwear."
The next day of school, a group of guys told her to climb the pole again, but this time for $ 5. She was greedy so she agreed. When she got home, her mom freaked out agian, " DON"T EVER do that AGAIN, they just want to look at your underwear!!"
On the next day of school, a larger crowd of guys told her that they'll give her $ 100 this time. So she agreed. When she got home, her mom freaked out once agian. " DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT AGIAN. THEY JUST WANNA LOOK AT YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!!" So the girl then said, "Don't worry mom, i didn't wear my underwear today."

Answer 8

the police walk into jeffery dahmers apt and find a bunch of wheel chairs when asked why they were there he replied you have to have vegtables with your meat. Hey did you hear Mike L jackson was aressted on the beach......................He was in some ladys sun .............OK LAST TRY CLEAN ENOUGH TO TELL YOUR PRIEST. WHAT DO YOU CALL A SLEEPWALKING NUN???? ROMANCATHOLIC get it roaming

Answer 9

I just got a new job as an elevator operator.....it has it's ups and downs.....

Answer 10

why did the chicken cross the road?
to get to the other side!!