What to do about my 4yr old brother??

Question

I'm 15yrs old and have a 4 1/2yr old half brother Matt. I'v never really known my father but my step-father was in my life since I was 9 and sadly he died about a year ago leaving my mom to bring up my brother and I alone.

Since then its been pretty rocky in my house, of course we have all been very upset over his death but it has especially effected my Mom. My mom has started getting more and more annoyed with the little things we do.

She sometimes spanks him, and by the way before you all start saying "go get help shes abusing him" I wouldn't be posting this if she was I would be off getting help already, its just like a small spank he does;t cry for more then a second i think its more the shock then the pain (and no im not trying to justify it) but still its a spank..

I'v tried talking to my mom and shes always says later, when she does listen she says she still upset about Marco(step-dad)'s death and then for a week or something suddenly shes "Miss amazing mom" then shes

back to normal meany.

My mom drops my brother at daycare and I pick him up at 3:30 moms home at 6pm, hes in bed at 8pm.
When shes there shes in charge but hes always going to me with problems, like if hes sad or thirsty. My mom tries her hardest hugging him and telling him how much she loves him but still he comes to me.
The other day wa the worst so far.

We have , well had, a big glass statue type thing that was a kind of memorially thing for my step-dad with his name and face engraved in it. Yesterday my brother accidently knocked over and smashed it. This happened after she told him a few times to stop messing about. When she came in to the room he was already crying in shock of what he had done but she preceded to keep yelling at him.
I walked into the room went over picked him up and held him in my arms. I then shouted at my mom about how dare she yell at him after he was already obviously upset enough and the fact that he is only 4yrs old. She just yelled back at me

"Well obviously your a merical worker looking at you and Matt there, these days you seem to be the one he goes to, maybe you should take over being a single mommy and we will see how much you like that"
so i shouted back "yeah I wonder why seeing how I found him in here, its about time you started being a proper mother!" and stormed out.
Since then my brothers semi solved things with her she cooked him a big pancake breakfast and took him out for a fun day at the zoo so they are on good terms. But i have just been avoiding her. We have talked but not much more them a few words.
My mom and I will be normal again soon like tomorrow or something but what can I do for my brother. Its not good him seeing her like this.
She gets counceling once or twice a week and I see the school councler whenever I feel I need it.
Does anyone else have advice how I can help solve this problem?

I adore my brother and would do anything for him.

Answer 1

Wow, I am so touched by your story. Tragedy is so difficult. My father died last year, and have had three other deaths in the family in the past two years, including my best friend, so I understand how much death can turn a whole family inside out.

Your efforts are awesome and it sounds like you have really taken on the role as mom for your brother a lot. This does happen sometimes in families when there's a big gap in age. I was a mom to my sister (9 years younger) most of her childhood, so I've been there.

I am happy to hear your mom and you are getting counseling. I hope in time your mom will redirect her anger and focus on being the great mom she can be. You may want to suggest to her that you'd like to do family counseling together. A lot of times, it helps to have a third party help you air out and resolve your problems. I would also recommend getting counseling for your brother. Even though he's young, he still feels the pain of missing his father and needs grief counseling too.

Your family will heal in time and through counseling. I will have you all in my prayers and hope that the healing will come soon. God Bless.

Answer 2

Wow, that's a lot of stuff you have (I read the whole thing). Let's start with the good, which is that your mom IS getting counseling twice a week, and that you have one at school you can talk with. Make sure you both keep going.

You don't talk much about other people. Do you have other people around? Extended family? A clergyman or pastor? Neighbors who are close and really know you?

It just seems like you guys are going through this alone, and I'm concerned that your little brother isn't getting to see many adults other than your mom.... He needs to get validation from other adults - uncles or aunts, grandparents, play-group moms.

It breaks my heart to hear how your mom seems to overreact to him. I'm actually less concerned about the spanking than I am about the emotional distance that he can't handle by himself.

Is there any counseling that you can get for him? Even though he's only 4, he's hurting too, you know - I don't know if your mom understands that.

I'm sorry. I'd give you all a hug if I could. Please go to counseling yourself more regularly, and I suggest you ask some of these questions and ask for help to get more adults around you and your brother, in addition to your mom.

Godspeed.

Answer 3

You sound like a wonderful big sister. He's lucky to have you. I'm really sorry for the loss of your step-dad.

If I were in your shoes, I would sit down with Mom when everyone is calm (not during or after a big fight) and calmly and lovingly say, "Mom, since Marco died you've had a really short temper, and I'm worried about how it's affecting Brother. I'd like to talk to your counselor, alone, about some of the things I've seen, so that maybe s/he can help you do better. I know you're not trying to hurt Brother, but I think you're doing so accidentally, and that if you get a little help with this issue, we'll all be better off."

If that doesn't work, I'd find the number for her counselor and talk to him/her anyway about your concerns. S/he won't be able to tell you anything about your mom (not even whether or not she's his patient, so you're going to have to be sure to get the right person), but s/he can listen and take what you say into account with her.

You probably should also talk to your school counselor and see if s/he has any suggestions.

But I would certainly try the direct approach, first. Make sure you choose your moment wisely - you don't want to have this conversation after a long, frustrating day. Maybe in the morning, on a Saturday, after breakfast would be a good time?

Answer 4

You are such a wonderful daughter and sister! It must be rough going through all of that. Since your mom is in counseling I would just give her time or even a better thing would be going with her to a few sessions. Listen in on what she goes through, and then in front of the counselor let her know how you feel and see how the counselor handles it. You are doing the right thing by letting your mom know what she is doing wrong. I'm sure she doesn't mean to do it its just a rough time in her life. By her making a comment about you being your brothers mommy is a sign that she notices that your brother runs to you and she is jealous of that so maybe that will make her wake up and realize that she needs to care for the living people around her and try and move on. I guess if you let her read your post that would make a good way to start a in depth heartfelt conversation to try and work through this too.Good Luck to you and your family.

Answer 5

maybe have your mom join a single parents group so she can confide in other people who has been threw what she is going thru maybe her talking to someone besides a counsler im sure there is other mothers there that would help her do you have any family grandparents , aunts uncles who your maybe your mom could leave the little one with while you spent some quality time with her and let her know that you understand what she is going threw and that you are going threw it too and so is the 4 year old , so you need to try to keep a bond between you all when your mom comes home from work try doing something special for her like running her a hot bath or haveing her a small meal on the table let her know you are there if she needs you . explain to her that you feel the bond between you and your brother is because you spend so much time with him and if that dont work seek family counciling where you all go together not seperate because you all have lost someone special together and you need to be counseled together as much as seperate that way the counsler is there to help you get your point across to your mom and the same with your mom to you

Answer 6

motherhood can be stressful (i have had my moments)
school helps and is very good for his social skills and also gives him a schedule - he knows what to expect

he may be going through a growing stage / learning his limits
i would make a pact not to scream in the house and keep calm no matter what (this will only help teach the child how to deal with problems he faces in the future)
spanking can be avoided, talk to kids nicely, and change the room if he is getting into too much trouble in one room

when child needs some attention / distraction from a potentially bad situation (where he is not listening anymore), change the room or watch a TV show together and feed him a snack.

Give mom a break, she needs it !!!

YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB MY DEAR

Answer 7

Hey this sucks I know but it will get a lot better you will see mom is just real stressed out my dad died when I was twelve My mom was stuck with five of us. She didn't know what to do. The thing of it is when you are the only one to make decisions to pay the bills to do the discipline it's rough. give mom some credit she is going to counseling she is doing every thing she knows to do.

She has a whole lot on her plate. you do to and you are doing a wonderful job. really that is the best you can do just help out as much as you can and be patient. I know it's hard it will be OK..keep up the good work

Answer 8

I'm soo sorry to hear abt your stepdad, but your mom really needs to get her life straight, I mean its a good thing that shes seeing a councelor once or twice a week but good lord, shes got a 15 yr old and a 4 1/2 yr old, she needs to take up the responsibility on being a good mother again and spend more time with you both when she can. Try talking to her and telling her how you feel next time that happens instead of arguing with her. Good Luck!

Answer 9

You have my sympathy on your loss, your whole family probably needs to go to grief counseling including your little brother. Talk to your mother let her know you love her and that you would also like some family counseling together with her and your brother. I don't want to sound like everyone else and say give it time, but truth is that is what you all need is time. Remember you are a family and you all need each others support and love. Once again you have my sympathy my heart goes out to each and everyone in your family.

Answer 10

It seems to me maybe your brother misses doing things as a family. Instead of him just coming to you or just going to your mum, try and base the things you all do as a family. Granted this is going to take time as you mother is still grieving for her husband. Sit down and talk to your mum about your concerns, if she doesn't listen or avoids the topic, be firm and try and set a date and a time. Once this is established it will be harder for her to back out. Make it for when your brother is in bed and wont hear any of this. You family is still your family even though your step dad has passed. You mum needs to cherish what she has left in this world and i think you are going to be the one to remind her of that. Good luck