How to detour my 9 yr. old stepdaughter from lying?

Question

She has been doing this for @ 4 years now she is very intelligent and knows that lying is wrong but she is afraid to tell her mom the truth because she knows her mom will be mad at her. So if she has the chance to put the blame on me she does then her mother calls screaming at her dad. The Lie... she wanted to post some pics on her myspace account when her mother asked her who did it she said (Step Mom's Name) did it and didn't even ask me. I could care less what the lie was about the point is, is that she lied we have explained why it is wrong but she continues to do it. I have asked her why and she basically has said because she knows she can say I am sorry and I will forgive her vs. her mother screaming at her and grounding her for something she wanted. What would be a good discipline action that we can take so she knows that lying is not acceptable and so that she will hopefully not do it again?

Dad did make her confess to mom when he picked her up for this weekends visitation and mom had nothing to say she could carelessbecause the lie wasn't about her dad and I are on the same page but mom is completly worthless when it comes to being a parent which is sad because she resides with her which is where she learned to lie but dad and I are trying to teach her that is not the right thing to do. She will confess the truth to her mom but only if dad and I are present. Lies are the only problem we have with her even when she is in our home. She is a great kid she just needs more parental guidance in mother home. We don't want to be mean to teach her a lesson but something constructive enough that it will stop and make her think.

She is 8 and is not supposed to have a myspace account until she is 14 but mom has no problem with it. She is the type of mom that she gives kids whatever they want so she don't have to be a parent. And yes we took her to court with with over 32 police reports in a 3 year time period and CPS reports and lies that mother had on the stand that our att. proved to be lies and it wasn't enough to get custody.

Answer 1

This is something dad needs to get a handle on. Try and achieve full custody of her, until then anything he does will be shrugged off by the mom. If you can get custody of her, have dad set some firm rules. NO MYSPACE. Also, nothing seems to curve lying like a bright red tush. Dad needs to lay the law down with her, however I can see this most likely won't happen until you have full custody.

Good Luck

Answer 2

First let me say I feel for your situation. I'm not married yet, but my boyfriend has a daughter and her mother is a not-so-great parent to say the least. It's so hard to take a child from their mother, but no one gives a crap about dad unless they just want money!!! Makes me so mad!
Ok sorry...As far as the lying issue with your step-daughter I would suggest you punish her for her lying. I know you want to be the nice parents, but if you don't teach her a lesson then no one will. Things will only get worse if there are no consequences for her actions. She will become out of control- or rather in control of you. Take away some privileges or give her extra chores to do. If there are no punishments for her actions, she will continue her behavior! Also, catch her when she is being good and truthful and praise the heck out of her! Thank her for her honesty and let her know how much people (including you and your husband) value that characteristic. Parental approval means the world to children, especially if she doesn't get it at her mothers home!

PS: everyone is telling you this is dad's job. I don't agree. I do think it is both you AND dads responsibility, however when you married him you took on the role of mommy to that child. I'm in a very similar boat- like I said before- and especially if I marry my boyfriend I will treat that little girl as my own.
Good luck to you! xoxo

Answer 3

You don't need to take any action to show her "that lying is not acceptable" she already knows that!! What she needs to be taught is the dire consequences of her decision to lie and that's what you need to concentrate on. I'm not talking about the consequence being "mom gets mad" that doesn't seem to deter her, why? because there is no real consequence to her personally (other than a mad mom but she's seen it all before, big deal right?!). You need to set in place discipline that directly penalises her so figure out what she likes doing the most - on her comp? listeining to music? and withdraw that right from her when she next lies. Do it calmly, forget the shouting, remain calm and explain that there is a consequence for lying and that consequence is not being allowed to go on myspace for 2 nigts or whatever you decide. Lay the ground rules out calmly and mean it. She'll pay more attention if your calm and she'll know you mean business when you calmly carry out your threat. She'll soon learn...we all did! Good luck.

Answer 4

Momof2 is absolutely right. This is dad's job. You received some great answers but I wanted to warn you. If this problem isn't dealt with, she will continue to lie. My 17 y.o. stepson has been lying for 13 years. His dad and I would call him on it but since we didn't have primary custody, things got "undone" at moms. Instead of calling him on his lies, she just said "he's embellishing, he's being creative". So he got away with it.
Now at age 17, I can't believe anything that he says. He has a reputation as a liar and it's sad because he has some really nice qualities.
As I've told him, when you live with a liar, you live with a stranger. You don't really know them. I hope for all of you that you can nip this in the bud. Be tough on her. Call her on stuff. Let her know she doesn't fool you.
Decide with dad and her, what the consequences will be next time she gets busted. Then, stick to them! Good luck. I hope you have more support and better luck than I did.

Answer 5

where's Dad? He can play a part here, too. She will need to learn that you will always love her, but she might not have you as a friend for long. You have to make her fess up to her mom about this, in front of you....she has figured out that there are two "teams"...Mom VS Dad/Stepmom, and she can play both sides. Until these two "teams" present a united front about lying, it will continue. Good Luck, and be strong, because the lies only get worse!!!

Answer 6

our daughter now 9 went through this and we started to let her know she would not be in trouble if she told us the truth and we did not punish her. ( We talk to our kids by the way instead of spanking.) We feel it is way more important for her to tell the truth then lie. She has been so much better. Yes this way worked for us but all kids are different. We have 5 kids by the way 9 and under.

Answer 7

well the best way to encourage a child not to lie to to not punish them so harshly if they are honest.

I mean logically do you think you would lie if you KNEW you were going to get in trouble??
Would you tell your boss you wern't really sick on that last sick day you took off if he was going to get angry!
At the same time if your boss didn't care WHAT you did on the sick days you took off, (as long as you wern't taking off to frequently) you would probably tell him that you jsut took the day off to relax because you don't get much time off, and now you feel renewed to work again.

Teaching a child not to lie is a hard thing to do and is a mix of teaching them truth is very important, but also teaching them good behavior and not letting them get away with what they did.

What I do is try with my son to make sure I give him a big hug and kiss for telling me the truth (and keep my temper) and then make the punishment directly related to the "crime"by trying to fix whatever he did (like if he spills his milk in the living room he has to clean it up) but if he lies or hides it from me I make his punishment worse and tell it is worse because he lied and lying is not ok (Ie: he would have to clean up the milk but wouldn't be allowed to have a cup of anything in the living room for a week)

I also feel that it is important to discourage lies is to set a good example. And not allow any lies in your household when possible, even things people deem as "white lies"

In this case It is going to be even harder because her mom is against you guys obviously and will not work with you.
* I think the important thing is she is lying not because you are to easy on her and don't yell (which is what she said) it is because she doesn't want to tell her monther the truth because her mother does yell. She's going to lie to her mom because she's afraid of what her mom would do.*

She does need more guidance (this is the same with my step daughter who lives in her moms home.) but in the end if her mom isn't helpful all you can do is do your best for her when she is in your home!

I would for this instance do something like limiting her use on the computer since thats what it was related to. "Since you lied about that you cannot use our computer for the next month" (don't be leanient because it is a serious matter.) And something else. (perhaps taking away her camera if she has one. Or taking away a different privillage.)

Answer 8

YOUR BEING USED ABUSED AND HONEY YOUR BEING PUNK OUTSMARTED BY A NINE YEAR OLD. TRUE YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR OBVIOUSLY OF PURE CHARACTER. LOVING SOMEONES CHILD LIKE YOUR OWN IS SUCH A UNIQUE THING. YOUR ONE OF KIND YOU KNOW YOUR TRUELY A GENUIEN PERSON. BUT JUST A LITTLE ON THE WEAK SIDE. YOU MAY NOT BE THE "REAL" MOM BUT ISN'T TEACHING OUR CHILDREN TO RESPECT THERE ELDERS IMPORTANT ANYMORE. YOU ARE THE ADULT HUN SHE IS THE CHILD. SHE IS MAKING YOU LOOK UNTRUSTWORTHY, YOUR ARE LETTING HER MOTHER SCREAM AT YOU WICH CANNOT BE GOOD EMOTIONALLY FOR YOU NOR CAN IT BE GOOD FOR YOUR MARRIAGE AREN'T YOU SICK OF FIGHTING CUZ YOU NOW IT CAUSES ISSUES THERE DOESN'T IT. WHAT IF THIS GOES ON INTO TEENS AND SHE GETS CAUGHT DOING SOMETHING MORE SERIOUS LIKE DRUGS OK FAR FETCHED BUT COULD BE REALITY LATER ARE YOU GOING TO BE BLAMED FOR A DRUG ABUSE PROBLEM OR WORSE AN OVERDOSE, OR WHAT IF THE COPS CATCH HER AND SHE TELLS THEM YOU GAVE IT TO HER ARE YOU WILLING TO DO JAIL TIME FOR THIS CHILD WHO IS NOT LOVING IN EQUAL MEASURES CALL A PARENT MEETING WOMEN PULL IT TOGETHER IF YOUR NOT TO BLAME THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR WHAT HER NOT LIKING YOU FOR A MOMENT. WELL, MY SIXTH GRADE TEACHER ONCE TOLD ME " IF YOU DIDN'T HATE ME ATLEAST ONCE IN A WHILE I WOULDN'T BE DOING MY JOB" I AM A MOTHER OF THREE KIDS AND HAVE 1 ON THE WAY. MY OLDEST 11, THEN 7 AND SIX. OH HECK YEAH I HAVE WONDERFUL HONEST AND LOVING KIDS, BUT THEY ARE NOT PERFECT. THEY HAVE LIED, AND IM SURE THERE ARE MORE IN THE FUTURE I LOVE TO BLAME OTHERS BECAUSE ADMITTING I MAY HAVE FAULTED IN GUIDENCE OR THAT MY CHILDREN MAY NOT BE PERFECT IS SOMETIMES WAY TO HARD BUT I AM A GOOD MOTHER 1ST AND A GOOD PERSON 2CD I CONSIDER ALL POSSIBILITIES FIRST. SO HER MOM KNOWS THE TRUTH BUT ALL OF YOU ARE TO BLAME YOUR ALLOWING HER TO LIE THE MOTHER IS BLAMING YOU SO THAT'S DENIAL A FORM OF LIEING AND THE FATHER WELL I CAN ONLY IMAGINE. PULL IT TOGETHER FOR YOUR SANITY, YOUR SELF RESPECT, YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR DAUGHTERS FUTURE. NO JUDGEMENTS TRUELY JUST AN OUTSIDER LOOKING IN YOUR LOVE IS SEEN. BUT WHAT MATTERS HERE IS ARE YOU SEEING LOVE BACK? P.S MY ADVICE IS PARENT MEETING, A MUTUAL AGREEMENT RESPECTS ALL PARTIES AND JOINING FORCES WILL PUT A BARACADE OF LOVE INFRONT OF HER!!

Answer 9

I did all an similar issues the doorstep-daughter did at her age. It does no longer advise she's a psychopath. My moms and dads and instructors were confident there became some thing horribly incorrect with me. i became placed by wide testing and they determined i became in simple terms proficient. They placed me in speeded up classes in college. And at the same time as i became nevertheless very rebellious, I did superb. And my mendacity became absolutely because i mandatory an outlet for my particularly ingenious thoughts. yet in order that that you comprehend, this carry is commonplace with precisely what you imagine of her. and she sees no reason to act any in a special way because you've already made up your thoughts that she's defective. I went by an similar element with my mom. by the point they realized no longer some thing became incorrect with me, the wear and tear and tear were performed. I not at all relied on my mom after that. I nevertheless save atypical hours. yet as a replace of creeping around the residing house like I did as a baby, I absolutely have a telescope and study the celebs and planets. I absolutely have pets and that i love them. I did ought to study impulse administration. I had to study no longer to react in recommendations that make my subject worse. i'm in simple terms asking you no longer to slap a label in this youngster. once you do this its over for her. provide her a probability. She's likely discovered this undesirable behaviors as a coping mechanism. And the mendacity is a few thing that each and each body little youthful ones do. You act like she killed someone. She in simple terms would not pick to be punished. it really is favourite. per chance she'll strengthen as a lot as be an criminal specialist.

Answer 10

I have parented for 24 years, and I must say, watch dr. phil, read his books, I am serious. I didnt like him at first, but now, I see, if I had had some of his wisdom when I was a young parent, and someone explained it to me also, I would have been much better. Truly, I did a ton of parenting classes, but Dr. Phil is very spot on.
Good Luck