I have a 9yr old step daughter and have been dating/married to her dad for 5 years now. I have a daughter of my own now who is almost 2 and I definately don't feel the same twards my step daughter as I do my biological daughter. I know some of this is natural but I think there is a bigger than normal difference in the way I feel towards the two of them.
My step daughter is really sweet for the most part but does get into trouble a lot for lying, not doing what she's told, taking too long to do almost anything (homework, eating, getting ready for school). I think I get more irritated with her when she gets into trouble than I would if my own daughter got into trouble. I wish I didn't feel so irritated by her bad/sluggish behavior. She and I get along really well, but the love just isn't there. Do I just have issues or is it normal to not fully accept a step child?
2007-02-23 09:27:18 · 10 answers · asked by Erin H 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
I have a stepdaughter too. I had a hard time at first dealing with it because she would often lie to her mom about me. I already had 3 sons before having her in my life. It really IS hard to attatch to a child that has another mother. No matter what, you'll never be her mother and it's hard to have some of the demands placed on you for taking care of another womans child.
My stepdaughter is 14 now and our relationship is much better. She and I have more of an aunt/niece relationship. I think we both had some big adjustments to get to where we are.
You may never feel the same about her as you do with your own little girl, but you will be able to love her in your own way.
Give yourself some credit. You're not superwoman. You're not a bad person because of your feelings or lack there of. It's just something that has to be worked on.
Also, some of her behavior at this age is normal. It just rubs you wrong because deep down you resent her in a way.
There is nothing wrong with that either. You can't help the way you feel. You can work on it though.
In time, you'll see your own daughter display some of the same actions that your step daughter is showing and you might even be a little gratefull for having some experiance dealing with girls that age before your little one gets there.
It will be okay and I know that you're trying to be the best person you can or else you wouldn't have asked this question.
Best of luck to you. It will get easier.
2007-02-23 09:38:54 · answer #1 · answered by bluegrass 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was married to a women that had a daughter and a son. Her daughter resented me because she thought I was trying to take her father's place. She was a little older when I started seeing her mom. (13) Her mom and I were married for 9 years and I continually complained about what her daughter did. Well, her daughter was a big pain at times, but what really gripped me was that after her mom and I both talking to her about using protection, she turns right around and gets pregnate. She carried full term and delivered a very pretty little girl. I didn't really have any hate for either one of them, but the daughter was a worthless pain in the butt. She would not get a job, help clean up around the house, or anything and after the baby came she got worse. I really wanted to throw her out. She finally got a job and would work all week and then on her days off instead of spending time with her child and giving her mom a break, she took off and spent the weekend with her boyfriend. I won't go into this any farther, but it finally broke my wife and I up, because of my complaining all the time about her daughter.
The point I was trying to make by telling you all of this is to try your best to make it work between you and your stepdaughter, because it could cost you your relationship with your husband. I lost my wife and I still love her and wished I had not done the way I did. I pushed her away.
2007-02-23 09:55:00 · answer #2 · answered by golden rider 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I married a man who had 3 children and I had 4 and WE had one! I had all 8 a lot of the summer months and I loved it! You will probably never feel the "same" so to speak as you do for your biological child but if you have more than 1 child of your own you feel differently towards each one. If you take the time to really get to know her, you might find you like her more than you thought. She deserves this! If you feel this way towards her now, it's only going to be worse when she becomes a teenager, then she'll really need you. Take the time, do special things with her. She could become your best friend. Do this for the BOTH of you.
2007-02-23 09:47:10 · answer #3 · answered by countrytodamax 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I have a 9 year old stepdaughter and a 2 week old newborn daughter. My stepdaughter IS my daughter. I dont call her stepdaughter in public. I tell people she is MY daughter because to me that is what she is and what she will always be. She tells people i am her dad, not stepdad. Her new sister, she doesnt consider her a half sister-she is her sister. She was only around 3 when i got involved with her mom. I was and have been the only father type figure she has ever known. Maybe this is what made it different for me and her. We decided not to use terms like step or half in our family from the start. Even though she knows im not her actual dad she was calling me Daddy before i even married her mom.
She means every bit as much to me as our new daughter. Thats just how it is and i hope will always be.
2007-02-23 10:05:29 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
iI know exactly how you feel. I had 3 to find my way into their lives. My only suggestion is to let time heal. There is always a hidden resentment there weather you like/realize it or not. And none other will ever get your true love such as your own. 2 of my husbands 3 took to me wheras 1 never did. the 3rd is ok with me. The one that took to me is now 21 and I would give my life for him just as well as my own children. It took a while, but I think over the years he realized I was not there to replace his mother, only to be someone whom deserved a little respect. 14 yrs later, and he now tells everyone that I was more of a mom than his own, which flatters me but i still tell him that im not his mother only a someone who loves him dearly. The one that didnt take to me at all, now at least talks to me and the 3rd, well hes still the same. Love/respect has to grow, give it time
good luck
2007-02-23 09:42:33 · answer #5 · answered by patti p 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Gee, why could she be having behavior problems? Hmmm, betcha because her daddy married a woman who doesnt love her just her dad. Admit it lady, you didnt take them as a package, you were selfish and just wanted him, and trust me, she's nine and still a kid, wait until shes a teenager. You will be one of those terrible stepmoms who send her to juvie the first chance you get. My mother was raised by a woman like you after her mother died when she was 6. her dad had to divorce her stepmom because she was so mean. It makes me sick!
I dont think you are a bad person, and through the years my mother (who also was a stepmom herself) knows you cannot feel the same love to a stepchild that you feel for your biological child, you just cant that bond isnt there, but you have to never ever let them know that. you must fake it, even if when they are a little older they kinda get it, they must never get it from you. she is nine, her world was broken, and she is vulnerable, and now its your time to step up and be a strong source of love and compassion to this child. You will love her and protect her starting today, and get some counceling. Don't let this feeling go on another day. Be everything both children need.
2007-02-23 09:55:23 · answer #6 · answered by Jennifer 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Ask yourself this. What if your husband said the same about your daughter? If he said he has a hard time loving her? You would go insane wouldnt you? You probably would want to leave him.
This is an issue you really need to come to terms with. You should not marry someone who already has a child if you can not accept that child.
2007-02-23 09:31:35 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
I am a child with a step-dad who favored his children and it was really difficult. She may be lying to get attention, so obviously you need to address the lying but work on loving her. Focus on her qualities and do service or activities with her that help you see who she really is. Being a kid is tough - especially when you are aware that you aren't loved like another sibling, step or not. If you are religious - pray to feel love for her.
2007-02-23 09:39:26 · answer #8 · answered by tangilize77 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
you'll grow to love her, just wait.
2007-02-23 09:31:01 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you dont have to love her you just pretend to love her
2007-02-23 09:31:43 · answer #10 · answered by layna012 1 · 0⤊ 5⤋