How to uninvite wedding guest?

Question

It's less than 3 months until my wedding. We're getting the addresses together, so no invitations have been sent out yet. The space will only fit around 125 so we're trying to keep the list tight. The problem is, we opened our big mouths and made verbal invites back when we expected to be getting married in 2006, and way before we had sat down and worked out a budget (back when I expected my parents'd be helping far more than they can). My mom invited her cousins whom I barely know and my dad expects me to invite his cousin, who helped me with paying for college in the 20th century but whom I don't know well, either. My fiance and I invited "friends" who have turned out to be, or become, more like acquaintances, and a couple of friends with whom there are now chilly feelings bc of recent history. But the sibling of one we do want to come, so is it ok to invite one sib but not the other? Since we haven't yet mailed any invitations, how can we uninvite certain people we invited way back?

Sorry, I didn't mean by "in the 20th century" that it wan't important. I just wasn't sure if I should invite him. I will keep him on. Thanks!

We've already booked the hall - they're doing the catering, for under $15pp and half for kids. As far as my dad's cousin goes - he was actually one I was planning to invite bc he helped me with college - so no need for further replies about that, thanks. And no, I haven't lost a lot of friends, I just discovered some I had thought were friends didn't consider me in the same light. If you can suggest how to gracefully uninvite, that's my question - not a judgment on whether or not to uninvite. I plan to send out invitations and if the people I gave a verbal invite to contact me about it, that's something I'll deal with when the time comes.

Answer 1

This sounds like a bit of a sticky situation ... but there is hope!!!! Since the invites were all verbal and nothing was sent out, you have nothing to worry about. My advice would be to make an "A" list and a "B" list ... that tends to work best with so many people in mind.
The "A" list should consist of people whom you can't go without; parents, grandparents, close friends and those who must attend.
The "B" list should consist of those who you want to invite, but don't NEED to be there; co-workers, friends, distant cousins, etc.
Mail out invites to your "A" list 10 weeks in advance ... once you start to get declines in, then begin sending out invites to your "B" list. That way you'll have the number you want and not too many.
As for those who were verbally invited, the only reason you would have to say anything to them is if they directly ask you if they're getting an invite. Tell them the truth ... the budget, and location, only allows for so many people to be invited and unfortunately you and your fiance had to cut the list down unexpectedly. That is going to be the best way to deal with the situation. Congrats!!!!

Answer 2

Well, what you're going to have to do is a little rude, but there doesn't seem to be any way you can get around it. The place will only hold 125 people.

You and your groom need to make out the guest list of the people you want to attend. You might want to consider having the A and B list with this one. Be sure that your invitations are across the board (all cousins or no cousins, all kids or no kids, that kind of thing). And then send out those invitations. As you get RSVP cards back saying no (make sure you ask for these early enough), then start sending out invitations from the B list.

Some people that you verbally invited will have forgotten. Some won't really want to come anyway. And some will call you, or your parents, and pitch a fit. If they do, just calmly tell them that you had to have a smaller wedding and weren't able to invite everyone you wanted. Be calm and nice, but firm. Remember, it's VERY rude of them to be making this phone call in the first place.

You're going to have to tell your parents what your final guest list is, and remind them that anyone who comes based on a verbal invitation won't have anywhre to sit. They will probably have to field some of those phone calls I mentioned, so they have to be prepared with what to say.

As for the sibling question, that's a tough one. I don't think you can get away with inviting their sibling. Personally, I feel that this is either invite both of them or neither of them. However, if there is an utter hatred (not just iciness) that you both feel for each other, then I think you might be able to get away with it.

EDITED TO ADD: Do not invite a bunch of people expecting that 20 or 30 % won't come. Sometimes, they ALL come. This happened to me. We only had 2% not show up.

Answer 3

No need to "uninvite" anyone. Those verbal invites were not official. No one has officially been invited to your wedding until they actually receive an invite and RSVP.
You are probably more concerned about those verbal invitations than you need to be. The "friends" with whom your relationship has cooled probably do not expect to be invited. Neither do the cousins whom you barely know. I can't tell you how often I've gotten invitations to weddings of people I barely know. I never attend those weddings. Sometimes it feels like a bid for a gift. So don't worry about it. Invite friends and family whom you and your fiance know and love and who love you and you want them to share in the joy of your special day. Apparently the cousin who helped pay for your schooling does care about you even if you don't know her, so make certain to invite her.
After everything has settled down after the honeymoon, take time to get to know her. You owe her more than just a wedding invitation.
Finally, get busy! 3 months is not really that much time to get the invitations out. I'd imagine that fairly soon the caterer will want a final count and you still need to get responses and invite others to fill the places of those unable to come.

Answer 4

It is your wedding, and you can invite whomever you choose. To those that might assume they are invited based on verbal remarks made last year, you need to politely explain your situation to them. Emphasize that you would like to invite all of your friends, but that you are on a tight budget and therefore have to limit the number of people you invite. Explain that, whether it's entirely true or not, you would like to invite them but your parents expect you to invite certain family members and that they already invited some you weren't expecting. (although you could go the other route and not invite the family members your parents would like to and you maybe wouldn't have as big of a problem, but that is up to you. I would invite the relative that helped you with college expenses regardless of which you choose to do however.) To those chilly acquaintances, if the circumstances between you have really gone sour since your verbal invite, I don't realistically think they should expect an invitation. You can indeed invite one sibling and not the other, but be prepared for it to cause a bit of a rift with the uninvited sibling. (although if you relationship with this person was on a downward spiral anyway then it really might not be a big deal.) If you don't want there to be any negative feelings, simply don't invite them both, and explain the situation to the sibling you wanted to invite in private. This person might actually respect that you took his/her sibling's feelings into consideration if the two are close. The point is, invite who you like. Verbal invites can be undone, and are best undone in a polite manner that explains the situation at hand. You simply don't have the ability financially to invite all that you'd like to, and your parents seem to want a more family-oriented wedding. If these people are truly your friends then they will understand. I'm sure you realize this now, but in future endeavors that involve inviting certain people I would make no mention of exactly who you planned on inviting until you had all of the details in order and were ready to make official invitations.

Answer 5

If you addressed the invites to only the friend you wanted to attend and not to friend and guest/partner then it is quite easy for you to ring and explain. Call the guests who RSVPd with an uninvited guest and explain that due to the capacity of the venue (always a good fallback) that the invitations were addressed to reflect the people that would fit in the venue. Taking into consideration partners and family there would unfortunately be family members who could not attend should that person have a seat for a guest. Explain that the invitation was addressed to that person alone and did not include a guest so that you could be assured that there was enough room for all your family first. If they comlain then say that you might be able to include their guest once the formal RSVPs have been returned and you have a better idea of numbers.

Answer 6

Honey stop sweating it. Write out your invitations to those you now want to attend. Yuor parents are entitled to invite a few people especially family members who have been so much help to you. Since you have not sent out invitations, you do not need to uninvite anyone. Should anyone ask you be truthful and say you things did not work out like you thought and you had to limit the number of people you could invite.

What yuo could do if there are any that don't make the cut that you would still like to invite, why not have a smaller party before or afterward and invite them, but only if there are a lot of people that you are still close friends with that had to be cut from the wedding list. Otherwise let it go and do not worry so much about it. People will understand or they will not, It is your day, not theirs so just do the best you can, forget the rest or it and enjoy your wedding. Congratulations

Answer 7

In your case an "A" list and a "B" list would probably be beneficial. You may find that you don't have to uninvite anyone. Have the "A" list sent out about two months prior to your wedding with RSVP cards to be returned within two weeks. You can then determine who you can invite from your "B" list. Do leave a little room for error, some folks may not respond in a timely manner. Those people you feel chilly towards will know why they are no longer invited. You should invite the people closest to you, but your parents should have their say about some guests too. Congratulations!!!

Answer 8

I would go ahead and send out the invitations on your finalized guest list. I would also apologize to those who you gave verbal invites to who may ask you about your wedding plans. Let them know that unfortunately you were not able to accommodate as many people as you would like to and had limit your guest list. Hopefully they'll understand. There may be some hurt feelings and there may be some people (who you aren't really close to anymore) who are relieved. But it's better to only invite those you really can afford and fit and face the fallout then to invite more people than you can accommodate. A lot of things change overtime, I'm sure most will understand. But I definitely think you should invite the your father's cousin who help pay for your college whether you know him well or not. After all, his assistance helped you to get to where you are to do and I think it would be the appropriate to include him.

Answer 9

Other than the uncle who helped pay for your schooling, you don't have to invite anyone - just don't send them a formal invitation. Until something is written in stone (or paper in this case) all things are tentative. Tell your parents, who aren't paying for the wedding, that you can't afford to invite people you barely know. As for friends who turned out to be acquaintances and friends who are no longer (you sure seemed to loose people though) don't worry about them either - because they aren't worried about you. Seriously, it's your wedding - you guys can invite or not invite whomever you want. If you don't think you'll be stepping on any toes (omitting someone who really SHOULD be invited - like the uncle who helped with college, he has a vested interest and deserves to be invited, whether or not you see him daily or haven't seen him since college). As for the sibling you want to invite, invite him or her. There is no rule that says you can't invite one without the other. And if anyone asks or makes a stink, just use the old fall back of "we're having a small intimate affair with only immediate family and very close friends". Period. Good luck.

Answer 10

If it were my wedding, I'd find a bigger hall and include my folks' list and everyone I truly wanted there. You don't have to invite any friends you have "chilly" feelings toward. These invitees are there to bless your union and celebrate with you.

The more of the people who love you, the merrier. Simply the menu to accommodate the cost of the bigger hall, simplify the portraits, whatever you can think of that you can live with. Costco has great ready-to-heat-and-serve appetizers, and every town has a deli that can put together a simple buffet at a reasonable cost.

You'll have great memories of the event if the reception is joyful and well-attended. You'll remember the love and celebration more than you'll remember the food years from now.