I need jokes im sad!!!?

Question

Im sooooooooooo sad because i just moved from my home town to orlando florida and i need jokes to cheer me up funny one stupid one gross one any ones!!Just please make me lafe.

Answer 1

I just pooped myself!!!! It's fudgey!! Oh darnit---I ran out of TP last night. .....where's that sock?

Answer 2

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

Answer 3

You might be a redneck if:
…you think mud rasslin’ should be an Olympic sport.
…you think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
…you think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
…you think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
…you think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
…you think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just “misunderstood”.
…you think the internet is a new fishing tool.
…you think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are “Play Ball…”
…you think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.
…you think those yellow traffic signs that say “Slow children at play” means the kids in the area are not too bright.
…you think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.
…you use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
…you use a pig for a garbage disposal.
…you use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
…you use the same tree your dog does!
…you use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
…you wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.
…you wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.
…you watch “The Dukes Of Hazzard” and have to find someone to explain it to you.

Answer 4

A married man on his way home from work has recently sensed his relationship failing is wondering what to do about it. He loves his wife very much and doesn't want to lose her. When he gets home she is already asleep in the bed. He thinks "ah HAH..." so he crawls under the sheets and begins to go down on her. She begins to writhe and moan in ecstacy, a while later he feels her tense up as she orgasms in utter euphoria, sensing a job well done he goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth, there with a leg in the tub shaving, is his wife. He yells "What're you doin in HERE!?!?", and she replys pointing at the bed "shhh, you're gonna wake your mother up."

Answer 5

u smell like a old mans bold head

Answer 6

why dont afrcin-american children play in the sandbox?

because cats keep covering them up

sorry about that joke its the only one I could think of go ahead and report me if you want I will just make a new account hahahaha

Answer 7

some guy: you've got some updoc in your hair.
some other guy: you've got some stupid in your brain.

Answer 8

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest to deliver a picnic basket to her gramma.

Before heading out, her mom tells her, "Little Red Riding Hood, be careful. The Big Bad Wolf is out there and he will pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and f*ck your little red socks off."

Little Red Riding Hood takes a shotgun out of the closet and puts it next to her and says, "It's ok, I can handle it."

So, Little Red Riding Hood starts out on her journey. First she runs into the Three Bears.

They say, "Little Red Riding Hood, what are you doing out here all alone? Don't you know the Big Bad Wolf is out here and he's gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and f**k your little red socks off?"

To which Red Riding Hood shows them the shotgun and says, "It's ok, I'm covered."

So, Red Riding Hood continues on, and sees the Three Little Pigs.

They say, "Little Red Riding Hood, what are you doing out here alone? The Big Bad Wolf is out and when he finds you he's gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and f**k your little red socks off."

Red Riding Hood again, pulls out the gun and says "I'll be alright".

So, Red Riding Hood is walking and she sees none other but the Big Bad Wolf.
The Wolf says , "Little Red Riding Hood, I have found you! I'm gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and f**k your little red socks off".

Red Riding Hood pulls up her little red dress, pulls down her little red panties, lays down on the ground, points the gun at the Wolf and says "NO. You're gonna EAT ME like the BOOKS says!"

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A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered.

This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.

It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo reading, ''Keep off the grass.''

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, ''Sorry, had to mow the lawn.''

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An 8 yr old boy walks home from school each day passing an 8 yr old girl's house.

One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up his football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys' game, and only boys can have a football."
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football." Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike.

She holds up the football and says, "Nah Na Nah Nah". The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boy's bike and only boys get boy's bikes and you can't have one."
She runs into the house for her mom. The next day the little girl is waiting for the boy on her new boy's bike.

The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants and pointing to his most private of parts and says "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"

The next day he walks by and asks her, "Well I guess I showed you," to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts. The little girl proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"