How do you handle the stepmother from hell?

Question

My father and stepmother have been married since 2001, been dating since 1997. We have had a tentative agreement of I don't push her buttons, she doesn't push mine. But lately her behavior is getting worse and worse, and she's been acting very passive-aggressively and putting my father in the middle.

My father is having hip and spine surgery in less than a month, and she wants to make sure I don't "take charge", whatever that means, of my father's health. As his daughter, of COURSE I'm going to step up and do something. But she's such a control freak, she doesn't want me involved.

I feel sorry for my father, as he's put in the middle of all of this, and my stepmother won't speak directly to me, only through him. How in the world do I handle this woman??

Any suggestions would be helpful.

Thanks!

Answer 1

Apparently this woman doesn't have a lot of confidence and is insecure. She sounds like she is threatened by your helping do anything for your dad, as she probably wants to show him she will be there for him like no other. She wants to be the only one to show him care and concern, which is totally selfish of her. I would try to make friends with her and try to assure her that you just love your dad and want to be there for him too. Assure her you aren't trying to take anything away from her caring for your dad and that you appreciate what she does do for him but you just want to be there for him too. Afterall, would she want you to not love and care for your father?

Answer 2

I would let my father now that I am there for him with anything that he needs. I would visit him everyday in the hospital and let him know that you appreciate him raising you and taking care of you and you are there to return the favor. If the step-monster has a problem with that, ask her how she would feel if her own children were shunned by her new husband. Ask her to have some empathy for the situation. Remind her that it isn't about "her", it is about your father and his needs. If your father enjoys your company, I would ask him to speak to her and he can let her know her limitations. Tell your father you aren't trying to cause more problems, only to find a solution to keep your relationship strong and you aren't sure you and the step-monster could civilly pull this off with just the two of you. I would wait until his health is better to avoid the complications of stress. If you really want to get under her skin though, "kill her with kindness"...it will be hard at first, but very vindicating in the long run. If she really dislikes you, this will drive her nuts and make you look like an angel in the process.....heehee....good luck! I feel for ya!

Answer 3

My stepmother did that to me before she was my official stepmother. My mom passed away in February of 2012, and my dad met then moved in with this woman 3 months later. In September of that same year, my dad found out he had to have a quadruple bypass surgery on his heart. He made her his DPOA, then asked her to marry him just before I got to the hospital before his surgery that morning, Since that surgery, he has kissed the ground she walks on, and she has reminded everyone everyday that she not only saved his life, but cares for him constantly. She has made and still makes all of his medical decisions, and has informed me that my dad will never go into a nursing home. I tried to be warm and accepting with this woman- I even tried to be her friend. We had a falling out 7 months ago after I finally stood up for myself, and not only does she not talk to me, but she took my father with her. I have seen my dad twice in the past 7 months, for maybe 2 hours total. So my answer is, I don't handle her. I have severed her toxicity from my life.

Answer 4

Talk to her directly and let her know how you feel. Either she can be mature and work with you like an adult or not, that is up to her. It is better to confront her though before this gets worse, and maybe afterwards you two will understand each other better or atleast no where the common ground may be.

Answer 5

Forget her - I'd ask my father what he needs me to do for him, and then abide by it. But if he can't make a request of you because she is so controlling, there isn't anything you can do about it. He unfortunately made the choice to marry this woman, and he is going to have to live with her dominating him. Don't get involved then, just offer your father as much support as you can.

Answer 6

Speak directly to her. If she has issues with you she should come to you but if she can't and you hear about it then you should confront her about it in an adult manner. Tell her that since both of you care very much for your dad, you both should put aside your difference and focus on how to make post-op better for your father. You should also tell your dad that if she has an issue with you, he should tell her to take it up with you and not to get him in the middle. If she continues her attitude then avoid her if you can and focus on your dad.

Answer 7

I know excatly what you are going through I too had a stepmother from hell { key word had my dad saw through her evilness} any way you should take the first step talk to her women to women { be polite} tell her how you feel, tell her that all though he may be her husband he is also your father and want to to your part in helping after his surgery. and all so tell her that you don't like how she can't say what she has to say to you and not to your dad, { amI making sense} also tell your dad the same { tell him to tell her to say what ever to you} but if she is not polite then you should involve your dad tell him it upsets you they have been together long enough where you should feel free to say what you want

Answer 8

hav u considered any helplines for advice, i no they can b quite useful. also this women obviously likes ur father but has probems that ur part of the package. i no this sounds insane but mayb u could ask her for a quiet chat. if she agrees then talk 2 her about how u feel and mayb u 2 could slowly start to build up a relationship. if she dismisses u then keep trying till u get through. gd luk

Answer 9

Tell her YOU were there before her and that YOU will always be his daughter and there for him but she can be replaced! I would make sure she knows that I will play nice if she does. Sounds like my step mom I had years ago. Not all step mom's are poops but this one sounds like a doozie. Put her in her place infront of your father in a polite way. I would!

Answer 10

Look you don't like her she don't like you... but you both love your dad.

I have been through this myself and let me tell you getting hard core and pushing your power is only gonna make matters worse.

your dad doesn't need the extra stress so just let it be.. let her take control and you just be there for dad.

let her know you are there if she needs the help and that you are there to support her to.

life's to short to spend it trying to prove who is in control. your dad will appreciate your willingness to step back and relieve the stress on him he really will.