marry me or leave?

Question

I guess I want to vent and get some advise. I am 25 pregnant by my boyfriend of three years. We are very happy about our child we are bringing into our lives. I told my parents last night about my pregnancy they were not happy but they were not made. They are disappointed that me and my boyfriend are not married and we are having a child. I guess that is how all parents would react. But what I was told by them was that I need to make my boyfriend marry now before the baby gets her. And if he does not marry me to have nothing to do with him. Don’t see him , don’t let him see the baby and take him for all the child support that I can. Am I wrong for feeling that that is a terriable thing to do..I feel as though me and my boyfriend will get married one day we have talked about it before even before I knew I was pregnant but why rush and do it now just cause of a baby. Is that going to make the marriage last, is that really going to help our child. Or us loving and caring and providing for the child what matters most married or not. Any advise. Should I tell my boyfriend look marry me or its over or should I continue to try to work this out and us be a family and see what the future holds for us. So confused. Has anyone else been thru this?

Answer 1

Leave him - maybe he will come to his senses and come back to you with a proposal. Otherwise, it was never meant to be.

Answer 2

Why are your parents wanting the 2 of you to be married before the baby comes? Is it the commitment to you and your child that he will be a good provider? If so he can do that with out marrying you. I would say that caring for you and the child is what matters most. Ask your parents what marriage stands for them, like commitment, a good provider, a partner. Is he all these things now? If he is then you have a good guy on your hands and your baby is going to have a great Father whether you are married or not. Get married when it is right for the 2 of you.

Answer 3

Don't press for marriage just because you are expecting a baby. Both weddings can be stressful and you need to think about that baby that you are bringing into the world. It's and your health is the most important thing right now.
I advise against giving your boyfriend an utlimatum like that. Should you do tell him that he may take it as you don't really care about him and he will abandon ship. Then you would be forced into raising the baby alone. Are your parents willing to be there for you if you and your boyfriend don't stay together. Are they planning to help with child care and other things the baby will need. I bet not.
Just do what makes you happy. Only time will tell what the right path in life is.

Answer 4

Hi there, a family friend of ours daughter got pregnant by her boyfriend and they got married because of it. They soon got divorced because they were not emotionally as well as mature enough for marriage. He became abusive because of the pressure of getting married due to the pregnancy and the new baby. She found him to be unfit as a father, and left him. I am not saying that all marriages due to a pregnancy end like this, yes a commitment is very healthy for the child, but, if it's been forced, or out of "guilt" because of your parents, then it's better to just raise your child together as a loving couple. A child needs to see his/her parents love each other; marriage does not always equal love. I believe if you have talked about marriage, then you will get married when you both are ready. Some couples decide to marry after they see their new baby and feel so much closer and more in love with their partner. I know you want to respect your parents, but you are an adult, and you two need to do what you feel is best not just for your baby, but for the both of you. A happy couple (not a fighting, unhappy couple)=a happy, healthy, thriving baby. CONGRATS!:)

Answer 5

Our parents generation had a basic rule that a man did what a man ought to, that he shouldered his responsibilities and acted like a man. That meant being employed, leading an honorable lifestyle, and marrying the woman he got pregnant.

It worked out well for many generations, as the sanctity of marriage wasnt vastly questioned until recent decades. As it is now, many people try marriage because of pregnancy, and because they have no ability to DECIDE to stay together come hell or high water, or because they didnt know eachother before hand, and after marriage realize they have serious issues (like abuse) most will end in divorce.

Socially, in todays world, there isnt a real reason to get married, as most people in our generation accept that single parenthood is just something that cant be avoided. More children are raised in single parent homes than not these days, so it is the majority and it is statistically normal.

Morally, most people would prefer to see a couple married before the birth of their children.

Financially, its easier to raise a child when you're married, and not just two people living together. Among other things, you safe a load on taxes, enough to add a large lump sum to a college fund.

Personally, you have stated that you've been together three years, and that you do plan to get married some day. The fact that you think having a child isnt reason enough to create a stable home environment leads me to believe you two have fears about your ability to survive marriage and to stay together, and in all liklihood probably wont marry, or wont stay together.

Theres nothing about getting married now, verses waiting another three years, thats going to make much of a difference. Sink or swim. Studies show that couples who live together before they get married are twice as likely to get divorced. You're also twice as likely to end in divorce if your parents werent married, or if they too are divorced.

Odds arent really in your, or any couples, favor. So it truey becomes a matter of you and your boyfriends personal choice. Just keep in mind that that choice will greatly effect your child. Whether you want it to or not.

Answer 6

Divorce is a painful thing for everyone involved. Marry when you are ready and to whom you feel should be your life partner whether that is your baby's father or not. But honestly, I think you know this better than anyone and even more apparently than your parents.

I commend you on your maturity and level-headedness. You will be a terrific and even-handed mother. Stick to what you know is right and do right by your baby and let the father in their life whether together with you or not.

I have a sister and a cousin go through similar situations both of whom married the baby's father both ending not great. Forcing a marriage is never a way to start a life together.

Best wishes!

Answer 7

If the only reason you think you guys should get married is because of the baby than i think that is a bad idea. Wait until the time is right for him to propose or when you are both ready. You do not want to raise a child in un environment that might end up turning out bad. There is no rush. You are young and you still have plenty of time to get married and start off your lives on a good start but not by force but because you guys want to get married. Congrats on the baby! Good luck in your decision.

Answer 8

Your thoughts about this sound reasonable. If you get married just because you are expecting a baby, then it might turn out okay, but it might also turn out to be a big mistake. I bet your parent's are afraid that the boy will take off and leave you with the responsibility of raising the baby on your own, a lot of guys do that. It's easier for the guy to take off and not deal with things than it is for the girl. But that is still no reason to get married. If he's the type to leave then telling him to marry you won't make him stay, and if he's a good guy and plans to stay, it would only hurt your relationship if you forced him to marry you. Good Luck to you. After you have this baby practice safe sex and don't have any more babies until you have a good job and are married!

Answer 9

You are old enough to live your life as you see fit. In the perfect world (well their perfect world anyway)everyone would be a virgin until marriage and everyone would stay married forever and all would be well, but we don't live in a perfect world, we live in the real one. Just because you get married, doesn't mean you will be together forever. Half of all marriages end in divorce. If you or your boyfriend feel like you have to get married an d get married because of that, your marriage is pretty sure to fail. You need to do what is right for you, not your parents. What they are telling you to do isn't right. I would rather be a family and be happy and if marriage happens great, if not, OK. As long as we have a good, stable, relationship, that's all that matters.

Answer 10

You do what YOU want to do. No one can or should tell you what to do with your life. You may not be ready for marriage right now. You may not like the person your boyfriend truly is.

Parents should be happy that you are having a baby regardless of circumstance. You are twenty-five years old and need to make YOUR own choices after all it's not like they can ground you or get you in trouble. You are an adult with needs and desires but perhaps marriage is not one at the moment.

You can raise a child in a loving home without being married. You can be committed without being married. Marriage isn't something that can force a person to change or force commitment. The vows that you say should be ones you truly mean and maybe you aren't ready for that. Don't you want your marriage to be special? Don't you want it to have meaning other then you "had to?"

If I were you I'd just tell my parents that you aren't going to marry this man quite yet but you plan on sticking it out. If they don't like that then they can stay out of your life, your baby's life, and your boyfriends life--after all you guys are a family now.

Another thing is think of what your child might think when he gets older. Say s/he is 15 years old and figures out that you were six months pregnant when you got married. What does that lead a child to believe? That the marriage was only there BECAUSE you were pregnant. I don't know about you but if I found out my parents got married after they found out my mother was pregnant I'd feel horrible. I'd feel like the only reason they were married is because they had to however if they waited for a while after I was born I'd realize that they wanted to just work things out and make sure this wasn't something they just HAD to do because it was "right."

A great book I suggest you read is "Lies at the Alter." It's just a good book to read about marriage and getting what you want and need out of it. Best of Luck with whatever you choose!

Answer 11

Do what you feel is right. I don't think you should marry him just because you're having a baby. Enjoy your relationship and recognize that it is no one else's. Your parents may think they are watching out for you, but what happens when in a few years when you and your husband decide to get a divorce. What would your parents think then? It is your parents who need to make a decision. They need to decide to love you and your boyfriend and the baby on the way unconditionally. Sad if they don't. Talk to them some more, but don't let them threaten you, which is what they have done. You already know what you want to do. Just be happy.