teenage daughter(13 year old)?

Question

i have a 13 year old daughter who is being a monster she swears at me and the rest of the family,she hits me and spits in my face , she went and told the police it is me that does all this to her which is a lie we are now being investigated by social services, i have tried grounding her and stopping spending money but this hasn't worked i am at my wits end ,please don't say slap her as this is not what i want to so although it never did me any harm when my mum and dad belted me, has anyone got any ideas on how i can disciplin her

i have tried allmost of these things mentioned, the social worker told me to put window locks on all windows as she has a habit of climbing out of the windows when she is grounded, we were up till 1.30 am she was smashing things up in her room because i took her tv off her for not doing as her told,she has smashed all the bedroom doors , she has a younger sister who is an angel but is terrified when she kicks off

we went to camhs (child and adolescent mental health service) as a family but althogu it was ok it didnt seem to help solve anything,we found out last week off her that she had truanting school 8 times since xmas she has been mixing with a 15 year old and this girl is worse than my daughter so i have stopped her from hanging around with her, which she isn't happy with but we had no problems before this girl and her family moved facing us, she is as bright as a button this mrning wouldnt think she was at all naughty last night

Answer 1

Dont be scared to whack her cos if shes doing it to u you need to discepline her. Dont do it while you have social services round though!!

Answer 2

Hi, the social services must be run off their feet at the moment. Some of these teens are just running riot and have no respect for anyone or anything.

I have a 14 yr old son who has been truanting and getting up to alsorts and I like you reached the end of my tethor. Just the other week I had someone from social services come to visit as my son was reported to the childrens panel. What the social services do is get reports from home, school and any other agencies your daughter has been involved in. If the reports are consistant, then you will have nothing at all to worry about. Just keep calm and tell the social worker how you feel too.

I told my son I was tired and in no way was I going to lie for him and told him the situation he could land himself in and he will be responsible for his own actions. This maybe sounds harsh, but after the visit, he has started calming down and getting his act together by going to school and coming home for meals etc. We are just waiting for the social worker to come back to let us know the next step.

I personally am in no way worried as my son is not at risk from me. I assume you are the same. Looking on the bright side, with a teen that is uncontrollable, getting that extra support can be a blessing.

Keep your chin up, there is always a light at the end of every tunnel.

PS: In this day and age, it's not always the parents fault so don't let people who say this get you down.

Answer 3

You need to find out what's behind her bad behaviour, I hate to say it but some children display such aggressiveness due to sexual abuse or through feeling lonely and neglected or drug abuse.
I suggest you take your daughter out for the day or away for a few days just you and her away from the area that you live.
Talk to your daughter as an adult and explain that you love her unconditionally but that you no longer understand her or her behaviour and that it is making you sad and must certainly be making her sad too.
Ask her to talk to you and make it clear that whatever it is that is making her so sad and unbearable that you will understand and that you will not judge her.
But at the same time make it clear that things can't go on the way they are.
Be prepared for some hard truths and upsetting discoveries and remember we are none of us perfect and that although we do our best for our children we sometimes don't see the woods for the trees.
Your daughter needs to know that your conversation will remain private but that there must be no hold barred, in other words you both have the right to speak openly and honest with each other no matter how hurt full the truth.
You are the adult so you must remain calm at all times and make it clear that hitting you or disrespecting you is no longer going to be tolerated, if she should try to hit you then restrain her but without malice and keep calm at all times.
Given time communication and patience I am sure you both will be able to sort things out between you. Be patient though change doesn't happen over night but with communication it will happen.
All the best,
Andrew D

Answer 4

Yes I can relate to your problem, this is a very bad age, girls can me more difficult than boy´s I think. Have you tried writting her a letter. Tell her in your letter how much you love her & don´t won´t anything bad happing to her .say to her now the the social people are involved, your are so frightened they will take her away from you . ask her in your letter what it is she want´s from you . You want her to have her friend´s you would like to be her friend as well as her mother,but this is not possible if we carry on trying to hurt each other.put all the thing´s in the letter and leave it in her room.She will ask what´s with the letter, and just tell her it´s the only way to communicate with her at the moment. If she smashes up her room let her, but also tell her if she continues to carry on the way she is going . then it will be out of your hands to fix the thing´s when the police come to your door.Because then she will be taken into the care by the social services and be obliged to have a check up by a police doctor and by the hospital. to find out what her problem is. a little blackmailing on your part will do no harm . also ask her if you can have a sit down meeting with her,arguing will get no where at all .She is at the stage of rebeling so write the letter . and carry on writing letters . it work for me . I do hope all works out well for you and that you get your little girl back to how your remembered her before all this began

Answer 5

The only thing you can do is relax. Relax and lean back. If no one does anything to retaliate she will probably stop since she feels there is no more attention on HER! Another thing is to have her talk to a counslor. If she feels that the counsler trusts her she will probably say what is on her mind (this will NOT happen the first time she sees the counsler) Also enroll her in a yoga or pilates class for young kids. This will relieve any stress she has with homework, frinds or boys. Eventually she will calm down.

I hope everything works out fine and email me if you have any other 13 year old problems by clicking the e-mail button on my profile. Best of luck

Tuscan Sweet Heart

Answer 6

I don't know where you live but you can try Mobile Mental Health. They are a mental health crisis team that comes out to the house and tries to help calm the situation. There is also PINS Diversion Program that will give you resources on how to deal with the situation. Also get you daughter into the pediatrician's office and let the doctor know. He will probably tell you to seek a psychologist and counseling. This shows action on your part and that you do not put up with bad behavior. Neglecting to do anything about this is what resulted in social services getting involved. If you don't get involved....they will.

Answer 7

Calmly tell your daughter that if she doesn't want to be a member of the family any longer then she is no longer allowed to participate in family time. She is no longer welcome in the family room. If she refuses to leave, then you must turn off the tv or whatever and all leave the room silently. Stand firm. Take her pocket money away, and tell her that she has to buy her own food! Also, no laundry. When she runs out of clean knickers, tell her to get them in the sink and wash them (tell her she will have to use her soap to do it!). When she realises that nobody has time for her any more, and nobody is going to run around after her, her clothes stink and she is hungry, you can then slowly introduce the subject of respect into the equation. for instance If you want me to wash your clothes for you, then you need to pick them up off the floor and put them in the hamper. If you want to join in with the family meal then you need to set the table and wash the pots afterwards. And if you want us to welcome you back into the family, then you need to start acting as though you would like to be a part of it. Being part of a close loving family is a privilege not everybody has. If you are lucky enough to have one, you need to remind each other from time to time. Tough love but it works without the need for a slap! Do not worry too much about social services, they can usually see through typical teenagers! Just a thought but it may be worth in a quiet moment asking the question if anything is happening to her outside the home, that may be causing the behaviour. Just leave the quetion hanging in mid air. Don't push, she will come to you if she needs to talk.

Answer 8

How did she get this way? I presume it didn't just happen overnight?
Is there other stuff going on in your lives that you have not mentioned?
You see, this sounds like a hurt kid to me. You are the adult and you have to take control here; do not allow her to hit you. I don't recommend hitting back; grab her wrists next time she trys to strike you, and hold on to them. Stay calm. Even if she is screaming at you. Repeat quietly, over and over, "It is NOT ok for you to hit anyone"
Try to find out what is going on in her head.
I went through this with my second child; she turned into a total monster at 14.
It took 18 months of this behaviour before I found out the truth.
In the end, I went to her school, and got talking to her year head, who suspected that my daughter was showing signs of bulimia.
I investigated further;on advice, I took her room apart;
I will never forget the thousands and thousands of sweet wrappers I found under the bed, in the wardrobe, in a giant suitcase;my poor daughter had been struggling to cope with an eating disorder she knew nothing about; she was also depressed; and in her agonised state, looked for someone to blame;
me.
There is a much longer story than this; I have given you just the bare bones to show you it wasn't about discipline at all.
I had to stop her hitting me; I spoke to her all the time, even if I felt she wasn't listening.It's going to be Damn hard work for you, I don't envy you.
Even in her distress, it must be made clear that she cannot behave in this way. You stay calm, no matter what it takes.
Social services may offer you counselling as a family; take it.
WE did, and it was very hard for me to sit through sessions of listening to my kids telling me how I'd got it wrong as a mum, but it was worth it in the end. I have a fantastic relationship with my now grown-up kids, especially THAT daughter.
I wish you well.

Answer 9

Hi- recent experience of this (I took my grand-daughter in cos she was being like yours), suggests to me your daughter feels 3 things for sure: STRESS, the desire for some independence, & due to that lack of respect / understanding.

Basically- she is (almost!) out of control.
TELL HER WHAT HAPPENS TO UNCONTROLLABLE KIDS!
Spell out the consequences VERY clearly!
(i.e. they can end up being sent a secure unit, miles away from home. That's a very lonely process...)
(to put that fear in her mind so she knows not to step over that line). Hard on you to do, but much harder if you don't manage to teach her self-control!

Grounding is counter-productive- so is smacking - that makes the problem worse!
If you take her shopping you are reinforcing she can get away with behaving badly...

Maybe a holiday / a change of scene would help?
OK for relaxing, but then she'll probably moan she's bored (cos the underlying problems are still there).

But TALKING would help as bottling-up her feelings is adding to stress ( yours & hers).
She doesn't have to talk to you- find someone else- a professional via your GP, or Health visitor- they can really help!
She needs MEDIATION - someone who can guide her while her hormones are all kicking off & everything seems very confusing.
It might also help to speak to someone at her school EG. the Head.

How about telling her she needs some organised activty EG. a Saturday job, or join a local club, or try a sports centre, so she can LEARN something CONSTRUCTIVE, whilst having FUN & meeting new people! If I were you, I would insist on this.

Then point out to her what she needs to look for in a friend i.e. someone who can offer her good fun (which does NOT harm her!) Tell her you want her to be SAFE! That's what YOU care about. Then let her think about that. & she carries on mixing with undesireables, keep reminding her! The message will get through if you persist & don't give up on her!

When she's yelling at you, being aggressive & obnoxious- back off! Just leave her alone. Tell her you'll speak to her later when she can talk calmly. (i.e. don't get into arguments, state your case calmly, LISTEN to what she has to say, & try to find solutions to any problems she says she is worried about).
(i.e. Keep on looking & digging for explanations).

Have a little pow-wow & get a set of House-Rules drawn-up & displayed that she agrees with. Then when she is good, she gets a reward of something she wants. When breaking a rule, point that rule out & take a point away from her target...

& Talk to your other child- explain "your sister is only going through a bit of a rough patch- it'll get sorted soon. Just stay away from her when she's not being very nice- OK?"

& If none of that helps, ask the social services to arrange counselling via a local family centre?

I wish you the very best of luck! You sound like a caring mum!

Answer 10

Sorry to hear your troubles, my guess is she is looking fo your attention, she may feel a touch unloved although it's obvious from what you say that you love her more than she knows, she needs to realise that herself.
Try spending time with her doing something you enjoy...maybe a shopping trip where she can choose anything she wants even if you dont truly aprove of her choice, it will show her that you care and respect her enough to let her make that choice for herself. Ask for her opinion on something you choose for yourself and if she doesnt like it then choose something she aproves of even if she wouldnt wear it herself.
Take time out to show an interest in what she likes, such as the music she listens to, ask her to play you her favorite song and make positive comments about it but be honest if you think its aful then tell her but also say something like the lyrics are good or that guitar riff is great. Play her one of your favorites and ask what she thinks of it.
Ask her each day what was the worst thing that happened and sympathise, follow that by asking what the best thing of the day was and end on a high note.
tell her every day that you love her even if she has been a monster, you dont have to like her to love her,
Try to be a friend to her as well as a mother.
Its about showing her that you dont always have to see eye to eye about things but you can mutualy respect the others opinion.
My guess is that once she sees that her attitude will change , it isnt going to be overnight and it will take time but trrto stay calm during her oustbursts and hopefully it will calm her down a bit.
I have a 13 year old daughter myself and it seems to work for us, we have a good relationship but we also had tough times.

Answer 11

You might not like what i have to say but here goes.

I think that when you are disciplining your child you are not consistant. What i mean with this is that you feel guilty about punishing her and might give back her spending money before you said you would. I would set ground rules and absolutely stick with them (it is very hard in the beginning but after about 4 - 8 weeks you should see an improvement)

First of all you need to discuss with your daughter what is acceptable behaviour and what is not acceptable. If for example it is not acceptable to swear (tell your daughter which words) tell her she cannot have her mobile phone for 1 week and stick to it. At all times tell your daughter that you love her but don't like what she is doing.

Second of all do not get into a sreaming match she will lose all respect for you. I found it best when my son was screaming at me to lower my voice and say calmly (walk away and return later if you need to cool down) that i respect him by not shouting at him could he respect me by not shouting at me and discuss the issue like adults.

Thirdly if you have a partner they should back you up (when confonting the daughter) and you both should discuss issues when she is not there and agree to what is accpetable or not. If you have a united front your daughter cannot then play one of the other (teenagers are excellant at this minipulation skill)

Fourthly if you and your daughters father live seperately (and she has contact with him) i suggest as much as at pains you to sit down and discuss her behaviour and agree to her conduct. Do not under any circumstances when she misbehaves scream at her that she is so like her father this gives a negative vibe about her father. If you don't respect him why should your daughter.

Lastly never compare you daughters. This is bad as all children are individual. Do you spend more time with your other daughter. Maybe the teenager is very jealous of this and thinks that the only way she can get your attention is by misbehaving. Spend equal time with your teenager on a one to one basis that t your younger daughter cannot interrupt.

Also make sure that without pushing her tell her that you are here for her and any problems that she may have. Tell her that you love her and that if anything has happened that you would continue to love her and help her to find answers to her problems.

I hope you resolve this as it shows that you love your daughter very much by trying anthing to make it work and that you only want what is best for her


good luck