help real dilema with my mums decision!?

Question

My mum split up with her husband before xmas, he tried to hit my sister!, and is taking him back in the near future!! She told me and my sister last night that 'she is going to date him the see how it goes' they have a daughter together, our little sister (15months) they have been married for nearly 6yrs. He has always been a rude, lazy, ungrateful and violet person. He is also 'a recovering' alcoholic that still drinks!!! i currently live at home with my mum and 2 sisters, i have always been open and honest. I find myself brewing up inside with anger, telling my mum what does she think she is doing?! but she is depressed and finding life a struggle at the minute. But i can see this having a huge effect on the family, like not speaking/seeing each other much at all. Am i over re-acting, or do think my mum is out of order? and what would you do in my situation? pls help ta xx

Answer 1

Perhaps your mum sees it as the only answer. Perhaps she thinks holding a 'family' situation' together is more important than her own self respect. Does she rely on him financially? Also perhaps she thinks it might be worth another try with him for the babys sake. Many women are in a situation they would like to be out of, but sometimes practical matters overtake emotion and feelings. As you say she is struggling. She probably needs another adult to turn to or she just feels she should give her marriage another go. I really think there is not much you can do, sorry. She needs your support more than ever. I feel sorry for you but you have to see it from her side too,

Answer 2

Your mum is totally out of order she is putting a man..(a lazy alcoholic one) before the safety of her children.

Answer 3

She sounds like for some reason to be dependent of this guy and getting back with him will only make her life more of a struggle. I am sure you tried to talk to you mom, but that wouldn't work. Nothing you say will make a difference. However have you tried an outside source? Start with your school or another trusted adult. Either they can talk sense into your mom or can help you deal with the situation or help you and your sister get out of this living arrangement. Is your father in the picture? Is the option there for you both to move in with him? What you have described in regards to how the family communicates can be seen as emotional, mental and physical abuse. I do believe in disciplining children, but there are so many things wrong with this alcoholic step father going to hit your sister that there is not enough time in a day to list it or the future potential of abuse and types of abuse that can occur. Your mother saw this also and that is why she broke it off initially. Unfortunately you mom is about to make a very very bad decision, but again there is not much you can do about it. Look for a way to save yourself and your sister. It may get to the point that if he moves in you may have to get authorities involved. But you do what you have to do. Good Luck

Answer 4

This is so unfortunate and my words are not a lot of comfort as it has been proven people like your mum keep coming back for more to a person like her husband. You don't state your age but from the way your question is worded and punctuated I imagine you are at the very least in your early teens? Have a real go at speaking with your mum about your unhappiness doubts and fears and as I presume your sister is of the same opinion tell her you both are unwilling to live under the same roof as this person. If this doesn't work attempt to speak with close family as in grandparents, aunts, uncles to see if they can speak to her or if you could live with them if she doesn't relent. If this is impossible you should speak with your guidance teacher about the situation or as a last alternative see Social Services about your home circumstances. Childline is somewhere else where you might find help by phoning them. Hope all works out for you.

Answer 5

You don't need this violent brute of a man in your young life, you only have one childhood and it will be a horrible memory for you if your mum lets you witness aggressive behaviour like this. Tell your mum that when you grow up you are going to choose a man just like him and see what your mum thinks of that. If this monster is aggressive then I would report it to your doctor and he will put you in touch with a social worker, he is obviously a coward so that might make him think twice if he could be punished for his aggression. Have you got grand-parents who you can confide in? And no you are not over-reacting. Your mum has got into a rut and probably thinks it's him or no-one but he seems to have your mum wound round his little finger, she dumped him once and is now giving him mixed messages, your mum should really dump him once and for all and stop leading him along by 'dating' him because first he will spend one night, then two nights and then he'll move back in and your mum should remember why she dumped him the first time. Show your mum all these answers and she may come to her senses.

Answer 6

This is an awful situation, you don't say how old you and your sister are, but if you are still living at home I imagine you are relatively young.

Is there a family member you can confide in? Try to sit down with your Mum and talk it through with her, don't bottle it all up inside and then erupt, it will only turn into an argument. Talk calmly and tell her that you are worried for her safety and that of you and your sisters, especially as one is only 15 months old!!!!

If your Mum is depressed, it may be that she is taking this man back as she is lonely and feels she needs someone to lean on, tell her that you are there for her and that she doesn't need this man.

It is her desicion, yes, but her first priority is her children, if she is not aware of this then you must tell someone what is going on. A family member or childline, you really don't have to put up with this man's behaviour .

There is a remote chance that this man may have changed, but maybe your mum has to make the mistake of getting back with him to realise that this is very unlikely, this does not mean that you have to put up with his abuse. If he moves back in, I would go to a close relative.

I hope it all works out for you, good luck.

Answer 7

Very sad these days that women seem to put their love life before anything else, including their kids and common sense. Better to be with a bad man than no man. You could probably talk to her until you are blue in the face but ultimately she will probably go back to him. Better the devil you know. If you are old enough, leave home and get your own place, away from the dramas and violence. If she chooses to put herself back in that situation then let her deal with it and she shouldn't expect any sympathy from you. She shouldn't come to you bitching and moaning about how bad he is. Whatever decision she makes, she has to lump it and accept the consequences. Maybe stay away from her for awhile and give her space. you don't need that stress in your life either. She may eventually come to her senses. Hopefully. telling her what to do may just make her dig her heels in even deeper and make her want to go back to him even more.You being in this situation will just do your head in. Try to be away from it as much as you can. If he does get violent again or if you and your sisters are in danger, then dob him in to the authorities. Might just do your mum a favour and wake her up to him and herself. She brought you into this world and you are her responsibility. Your welfare should come first. Not her loins. Good Luck.

Answer 8

Dam poor thing,,, been in same situation really, except my mum was the drunk, & i just had 2move out!! BUT in urs u are trusting ur mum is trying 2make the right descions for both u & ur sister. Is there anyone else in the family or friend u can talk 2sweety?? thats the best advice i can say, apart from simply having a deep & honest talk with mum to raise these delicate issues , as she is ur mum & i shall think she would want to listen to her daughters 1st for the honest truth b4 any man,,,, i would hope!!

im here 2talk anytime, just email me.....XXXXX ;(

Answer 9

Go shopping wit your mum or just spend a day with her a bit of girly bonding. Remember to always make time for your mum. You should hopefully find that this relieves the atmosphere a little, your mum will be happier and hopefully release that she just doesn't need this guy and that she is too good for him. Be open and honest with each other be willing to hear how she feels and remember nothing ever gets resolved through shouting or not speaking.

Answer 10

If this man is an abusive drunk then you should talk to your mother about your concerns with him coming back into not just her life but her childrens too.
You say she is depressed at the moment but does she think letting him back in will improve this situation.
She must lay down a few rules if she really wants him back he must change and to stop drinking is the first thing he must do as this brings the worst out in someone e.g laziness and the threat of violence until he has got his drinking problem sorted she should not even consider seeing him again.