my future mother-in-law (only 10 days away!) wrote an email to me tonight. our wedding is in VA, where she is and where we're from. we (fiance and i) are in CA. as you can imagine, i have to bust my butt to organize everything. every single day, MULTIPLE times a day, im in touch with every one of his family members (and its a BIG family), planning and giving/getting details. well in the email tonight, my future MIL said that to communicate with my fiance and myself has been a big chore and it wasn't fair to everyone there. WTF?!?! my fiance has been bad about it, so i figured she was grouping us together, but i didnt deserve to be chewed out! so i talked to the fiance when he got home, and i was upset when i did this. he is tired of his family lecturing him on communicating (yes i know thats wrong of him, not the issue here though) so he got upset and sent an email from my account that was rather sarcastic and angry. he told them it was him on my account, but still....
2007-02-22 21:28:23 · 8 answers · asked by crazydaisyodu 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
it was unnecessary for him to react that way, and i feel that it made ME look bad, like i went crying to him and he was sticking up for me. well, its hard enough to be joining a family with SUCH uppity ways as it is, and now im TERRIFIED to go there on tuesday! what can i send in an email to her (and his brother and sister he sent the same email to) to show that i didn't want any of that to happen? i don't want anyone in their family hating me or even getting angry with me for his email. my friend said of course she knew i was going to show it to him, but still. what can i say to her to make this better?
he's going to call her in the morning, so he will get chewed out im sure. all i want to know is how to rectify the situation for myself. im sooooo stressed out as it is, i cant take this right now!
2007-02-22 21:31:52 · update #1
I would normally not suggest this, but considering your understandaable stress level, I would say pretend it never happened, and if she gives you any flack for it, you have to say, look, we are both doing our very best, considering we are thousands of miles away. I don't want to think back on our wedding as a time of strife and hurt feelings, and I know everyone is really stressed out right now, so please let's let it all go and enjoy the last few days until we are married and everyone can think a little more clearly.
It never hurts to take the high road, and besides, your fiancee should be sticking up for you to her. He did the right thing.
2007-02-23 03:07:02 · answer #1 · answered by melouofs 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your grown adults going into adult marriage. In addition, you can't be by the phone every waking miniute and not everyone has to communicat everyday.
New boundries are being tested and you two have to stick to the boundries you want. To spend hours and many times a day on the phone is stressful enough, then to discuss the topic of why you are on the phone with them is even more stressful.
He just needs to let them know the more they hound about communication, the more you two pushing away.
Instead of trying to make "peace". You need to assert yourself saying how much time and energy placed into this and you don't deserve to be chewed out. Ask for respect and if they don't give it, then say sorry they feel that way and walk away still being firm on your answer.
Everyone else should be putting in effort and you didn't mention anything about anyone giving you a call, email or helping out to less'n the stress. That is them playing the "selfish" card.
2007-02-23 04:37:33 · answer #2 · answered by Mutchkin 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What if you take a deep breathe and reframe this? What if she just feels comfortable enough with you to tell you whats on her mind? What if you think the very best of everyone and expect that they didn't mean to be sarcastic or kurt and that its just because its email that it sounds so awful.....true or not, its about your attitude toward them and this whole thing. The communication is difficult at best because everyone has their own expectations concerning a wedding. My exp has been that some hear directions and think that updates are telling them what to, some hear confusion and wonder why they are being ASKed what to do and some just want control and will rebel against anything you do.....Once you are married you are grouped together. He's been communicating badly with these folks for ever....maybe they were expecting that to change now that you are in the picture (and though its not fair, it puts it on you). This is a chance for you to be graceful. Let him handle his family as much as possible. In the meantime.... assume the best in people and send an email something to the effect of: (remember to be honest----any attempt to lie/smooth will be blatant and make it worse....)
OMG I AM SO EXCITED. There are so many details and being far away has been hard. Thank you for.... (whatever they have done right). I sure hope this has not been a burden--its hard to tell whats going on from here....I just want everything to be perfect. James is so handsome and I can't wait for you to see him the tuxes we picked out. If I overlooked something or someone....YIKES!! I am doing my best. Thanks for keeping me informed and I really am glad you wrote me I want to make this right for all of us--I wish I could be 3 places at once... .Hope you know how much I love James and you all! Can't wait for Tuesday!!!!
2007-02-23 01:30:25 · answer #3 · answered by Sweetserenity 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let your mother in law know that you are sorry if communication has been slow, and that while you wanted your hubby (her son) to know what had been said, you didn't expect in your wildest dreams he would react the way he did. Let her know that the stress of the party planning (Not the upcoming nuptials) are making him a little edgier than usual. Ask her if there was anything she felt like you 2 needed to iron out as far as the plans are concerned (she probably has an idea or 2 and was upset because she didn't feel like she was getting the "respect" -- ie attention she deserved). I know you have a lot going on, but try to make yourself a little more available to her for phone calls and emails. I would send this note of apology in an email. But do let her know you feel like he over-reacted to her comments, but you had shared her email with him because you were concerned about her feelings.
Good Luck, and happy nuptials
2007-02-22 22:03:02 · answer #4 · answered by picture . . . perfect 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Stop worrying so much. You and your fiance will be ONE after the wedding. You have done all you can to rectify the e-mail situation that he sent to mother-in-law. When you see her face-to-face, and if it comes up again, you can casually tell her how you really felt when he did it. However, do not let the "chewing out" his mother does to him affect you and your relationship with your husband to be. He will handle his relatives as he is accustomed to handling them. Perhaps, he has a reason to feel angry? Talk to him and get understanding between the two of you but do not take sides. Do what you both feel is best for yourselves as a couple.
2007-02-23 00:40:12 · answer #5 · answered by Jess4rsake 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm going to be honest with you.
No matter what happens, no matter if he speaks to her directly in front of her face with his own mouth and you are states away, it will ALWAYS be you that is making him do this in their minds. Thats just what being a daughter in law is, you have taken this womans son and for some reason women have a REALLY hard time cutting the apron strings on their sons. You will always be the b'itch, just get used to it. Your husband may swear up and down that they love you, and they very well might come to love you, but you will ALWAYS be the one who took him away from his mommy and for that you will never be forgiven.
Leave it alone. Dont be afraid, in fact you should use this to your advantage. If your MIL lives in fear of you (like mine does and I quite like it) you will find it much easier. You wont get the guilt trip calls and such because they now know its not going to fly with you. Keep the upper hand. And remember you have nothing to be ashamed of, go there and have a great time, dont let them make you feel uncomfortable. If you show any signs of weakness they will pounce, keep your emotions down and your guard up.
GOOD LUCK!!!
2007-02-22 23:42:16 · answer #6 · answered by kateqd30 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Mines the same way. She's abusive to us, and when she doesnt get her way, she cries about it. The more FH ignores it or puts her in her place, the less she'll do it because she is losing control. I feel for you. I no longer speak to my FMIL.
2016-05-24 01:38:46 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
um.... just ignore it? I'm sorry, I don't know. But I wanted you to get atleast one answer!
2007-02-22 21:47:37 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋