how does a person get through a loved one having cancer?

Question

my boyfriend is in prison and he has found out he has cancer. what can i do or say to make him feel okay with it and how do I myself deal with it as well?

Answer 1

Its horrible and i feel your pain. I lost my grandmother (like a second mother) last year to cancer of the bowel. It is the most upsetting thing i have ever been through but you will be suprised at how well the sufferer accepts their fate and copes accordingly. My grandmother was incredibly gracious and couragous throughout her battle and before she died she told me that she was no longer afraid. Support your boyfriend, tell him its ok to frightened and angry. tell him you will help him and support him throughout. I know its difficult for yourself also but you need to be strong for him. Talk to your family and friends and let them support you through this difficult time. Find out as much as you can about his condition and find out what to expect and how best to support him, I find if you understand whats going on phisically its easier to understand whats going on mentally.

good luck to you and your boyfriend.
if you need to chat email me x

Answer 2

I am sorry to hear about your boyfriend and it must be very difficult for both of you given his situation.

Everyone deals with illness differently - some people like to talk about it, whilst other don't and he will find his own way to deal with this news. Let your boy friend know that you are there for him if he needs you. In my experience, just knowing that people care helps. Can he get any support in prison - it might be worth asking. Organisation like Macmillan and Cancer Research provide lots of information which you may find helpful. They also provide counselling and support for everyone effected by cancer.

I know being diagnosed with cancer is devistating but please rememeber that there have been lots of developements in the treatment and things are improving all the time - it is not neccesarily a death sentence anymore.

I wish you both well and hope that he makes a full recovery.

Answer 3

Hi, it's hard when you have cancer, care for someone that does, and are a caretaker when someone you care about is sick too. I'm a survivor of cancer, my father had bladder cancer, and I lost my best friend to cancer years ago. It was very hard. I guess it sort of depends on what type your boyfriend has, like what the odds are he'll be 100% ok, if he needs surgery, needs radiation or chemo, etc.

Try to get him to talk about it, to open up, that maybe would be best in letters or phone calls as you probably don't get alot of visitation. Ask him how he is feeling, not how are you? but how are you feeling? that lets him know you're thinking of emotionally too along with physically.

Let him talk, just listen sometimes, learn all you can about his type of cancer so you can talk treatments to him and help him with struggles of choices with treatments, sometimes just hug him if you are allowed touch, hold his hand, talk to him about things to take his mind off it too, you want to be as normal as you can but at the same time dealing with the cancer too. Life doesn't just stop because you have cancer and there are so many more people out there today that live with cancer like people live with allergies, they have alot more treatments than ever before.

If he has access to a computer, tell him to join a support group, yahoo has alot of them online that are good, I'm a support group owner of Lymphland, which is for lymphedema which is a side effect of some cancers. I have made so many friends in the group, we share the smiles and tears, everything in the groups, they do help alot.

Try to keep positive if he's negative saying he's gonna die, etc, we all think that when we have cancer, depression is common too so keep his spirits up. If you can send care packages, send one. Give him a journal so he can write his feelings down, music that is relaxing/soothing, things to calm his anxiety.

Answer 4

Depending on the type of cancer he has - there are several support groups available. This is a good avenue for him to express feelings. Usually, the first emotion when being diagnosed with cancer is anger. Through this journey, remember this one thing - don't personalize comments he might make as all cancer patients say things at times they don't really mean. It's no different with them - they usually hurt the ones they love the most.

Don't be surprised if you witness emotions that you have seen in individuals who are grieving the loss of someone. These are normal emotions whenever anyone loses control.

As for yourself, don't forget to take care of yourself. So many times, caregivers become so involved in the care of others, their own health suffers. Actively reduce your stress level as much as possible. Walking is always a good stress reliever.

Just let him know both of you are in this journey together. Keep a positive attitude as attitude goes a long way in the healing process. If he has any hobbies he likes to do, such as playing the guitar, painting, or whatever, encourage him to become involved in these as they will help take his mind off of his illness and reduce anxiety.

Good luck to both of you, and I will say a special prayer for the two of you each night.

Answer 5

The best thing to do is to write and talk to each other as much as you want. Express your feelings and try and let him express his feelings in his own time and way. It is not easy when you have something major like cancer to deal with, but in a prison community it must be even harder. The main thing is you have to be selfish and sort your head out first, because that will be important in finding out where you and your bf want to go with the relationship and the level of support you are willing to give him. Good luck!

Answer 6

Even though your Bf is in prison, he will still receive the very best in medical treatment. Cancer is NOT always a death sentence it can be cured and this is something you have to believe.
There is always hope, never let the two of you forget that. You need to keep him thinking positivley as this is half the battle in the war against cancer. Being depressed will allow the illness to defeat him.
You will need to be strong for him. There are very difficult times ahead for you both, but strength will see you both through it.
All my hopes
Marcus

Answer 7

This is difficult. My husband died from bone cancer a year ago, but I was at least with him and able to support him. Ask the prison governor for extra visiting hours on compassionate grounds if he is terminal. Try to kept a brave face on for his benefit, after all the poor man is banged up 24/7. Good Luck and I hope he is given some decent life-saving treatment

Answer 8

my husband was diagnosed with cancer last July (he is in his 30's).
I can honestly say i don't know how we get through it but we do, we have 2 small children who are blisfully unaware that daddy is poorly even when he had a drain in his stomach after the 1st operation (we told them it was a special machine to stop him doing smelly farts !!!)
I really feel for you as it must be much harder with your b'f being in prison but i'm sure u caould arrange some personal visits to talk yr feelings through.
We were very lucky as my husband was very strong a positive & we had minimal side affects from the chemo.
what type of cancer has he been diagnosed with & what course of action is being spoke about, what is your boyfriends reaction, ket me know more detail & i'll try to help, as it is such an emotional time for both of you.
Take care

Answer 9

Just be there for him, there really is nothing you can say or do to make him feel any better, I know that this probably makes you feel helpless but just offer love and support. As for you, you need to find someone who you can lean on, someone who can offer you support and a friendly ear. You are going to want to talk about this with someone and your boyfriend may not be the best person for the job at the moment. Your friends will hopefully give you the support you need.

Answer 10

I am so sorry to hear that mate, when my mum was diagnosed with lung cancer in Nov 06 i was devastated and didn't know what to say to her as i was so scared I'd upset her.
I read up on mum's condition and that made it easier for me to get my head round things and we could talk much more openly about it.
Because my mum was such a strong lady some of that rubbed off on me and when she had her down days i listened to her and didn't dismiss anything she had to say, by dismissing her i was giving her the impression that i didn't care or understand what she was going through.
It's hard when somebody you love is in this situation, just try and be as strong as you can for him, listen when he speaks and let him know that what ever happens you'll be there for him.
You also need to look after yourself, make sure your eating properly and get as much sleep as you can, try talking to professional people such as the Mcmillan/Marie Curie Nurses, these wonderful people are specially trained to help people with cancer and their loved ones.
All my very best wishes to you and your boyfriend. x x