I need some help with communicating???

Question

I have been a shy person basically since I can remember. Sometimes I just wish that I wasn't so shy, because alot of times I really want to say something but I end up holding it in. I just want to be able to talk to people and carry on a normal conversation without wondering what they're thinking about me. People make it seem so easy, but I find it extremely hard to do. I'm quiet at school and work, and people don't really know who I am because I'm never talking. I talk alot at home, I guess it's because it's my family and I've been around them my whole life. I mean I can't even hold a conversation with my boyfriend anymore. I feel like I don't even know him anymore and he doesn't know me anymore. I've made it my new year's resolution to just speak my mind, I do it sometimes but not nearly as much as I want to. I feel like if I keep holding things in and not talking to people that one day I'm just going to bust! How can I communicate more???

Answer 1

What a difficult question to answer. First, let's address the negative connotation that you place on "speaking your mind". Speaking your mind is not a negative thing, nor is it only used to express negative emotions. You're worried about speaking your mind because you feel you're going to say something wrong. Why? As long as you're not using words in an inappropriate or malicious manner, speaking your mind is usually positive. It projects security and a demand to be recognized or respected. You have an opinion!

Start small...speak your mind on trivial matters. For example: When you and a few friends are deciding on where to go out, what movie to see, what to eat, etc. be sure to speak your mind. Express an opinion. You can even go so far as to demand or place emphasis on your opinion. It's ok to have your own point of view. Don't bottle it up. You're repressing your natural desire to exist an a unique person.

Try to surround yourself with people that bring out your personality. For example, I started a new job and was the same as you described...kept to myself, barely spoke a word that wasn't related to a job function. But...in due time, my co-workers wanted to open me up and see what made me tick. There were happy hours, or lunch gatherings that some of them made a point to FORCE me into. And, it worked...I made some of the best friends I've ever had there.

Finally, just relax! Actions speak louder than words. Just let it flow. I believe the problem is that you're putting so much thought into it. Sure, maybe you'll look back and think, "I shouldn't have said that" or "I SHOULD have said this". Life is about regrets and learning from embarrassing experiences, but who's counting? Just be yourself. You say that you are open with your family? Well, convert that into your everyday life. Family will always be there for you and will love you for who you are (although they may judge you at times), just remember that. Bring that notion of security, the notion of being able to say what you want when you want into your outside life.

One last note: Nobody is perfect. Point in fact...I looked over my answer and realized that I should probably take my own advice sometimes.

Answer 2

Communication can be difficult if you are very shy, but it sounds like you have a good plan here are som other tips. Rather then nodding in response to questions, actually say Yes, or No. even this simple excercise will increase your vocal skills Also, if emotional and real issuses are a problem, try talking to people about your intrests, ask questions, they needn't be long but a simple Why? will often lead to answers that will raise more questions that you can voice with out the fear of being judged. Also if speech is an issue for you , try writing to loved ones to tell them how you feel. Keeping everything inside will make you a hermit, unhappy and will make others assume what they will. Also you may try talking to yourself in a mirror having practice conversations. Perhaps find your local branch of Toast Masters, a group aimed at helping people communicate better, and join them. Really the best way to communicate better is through practice and by just doing it.
On another note, don't be so self concious. Love yourself, realize that you have strengths and weaknesses and people will either like you or dislike you regardless of what you do. No matter what you say there will always be people who will disagree and judge you, BUT at the same time there will always be those that agree and support you. Also, most people don't have enough time in their lives to randomly hate someone for something they said. and even if you do say something stupid it is very likely that your friends and loved ones won't remember it for long. Just make concious efforts to speak up and be heard.

Answer 3

OOhh Yes, all the time!!!! They talk with their body all the time!!! This is a big problem, that people don't know dog language. That's when people get bit. And dogs who have not been properly socialized with other dogs or taken from their mother to soon, don't always know the right way to communicate. I would suggest that you either research on line, get some books or ask a dog behaviorist about it. It's a great tool to have!!! It's such a huge subject, I couldn't even begin to explain it on here.

Answer 4

Ten Ways to Improve Your Communication Skills :

We all have people with whom we have to work to get things done. Our ability to communicate with clients, customers, subordinates, peers, and superiors can enhance our effectiveness or sabotage us. Many times, our verbal skills make the difference. Here are 10 ways to increase your verbal efficacy at work:


1)Develop your voice – A high whiney voice is not perceived to be one of authority. In fact, a high soft voice can make you sound like prey to an aggressive co-worker who is out to make his/her career at the expense of anyone else. Begin doing exercises to lower the pitch of your voice. Here is one to start: Sing — but do it an octave lower on all your favorite songs. Practice this and, after a period of time, your voice will begin to lower.

2)Slow down – People will perceive you as nervous and unsure of yourself if you talk fast. However, be careful not to slow down to the point where people begin to finish your sentences just to help you finish.

3)Animate your voice – Avoid a monotone. Use dynamics. Your pitch should raise and lower. Your volume should be soft and loud. Listen to your local TV news anchor; take notes.

4)Enunciate your words – Speak clearly. Don’t mumble. If people are always saying, “huh,” to you, you are mumbling.

5)Use appropriate volume – Use a volume that is appropriate for the setting. Speak more softly when you are alone and close. Speak louder when you are speaking to larger groups or across larger spaces.

6)Pronounce your words correctly – People will judge your competency through your vocabulary. If you aren’t sure how to say a word, don’t use it.

7)Use the right words – If you’re not sure of the meaning of a word, don’t use it. Start a program of learning a new word a day. Use it sometime in your conversations during the day.

8)Make eye contact – I know a person who is very competent in her job. However, when she speaks to individuals or groups, she does so with her eyes shut. When she opens them periodically, she stares off in a direction away from the listener. She is perceived as incompetent by those with whom she consults. One technique to help with this is to consciously look into one of the listener’s eyes and then move to the other. Going back and forth between the two (and I hope they only have two) makes your eyes appear to sparkle. Another trick is to imagine a letter “T” on the listener’s face with the cross bar being an imaginary line across the eye brows and the vertical line coming down the center of the nose. Keep your eyes scanning that “T” zone.

9)Use gestures – Make your whole body talk. Use smaller gestures for individuals and small groups. The gestures should get larger as the group that one is addressing increases in size.

10)Don’t send mixed messages – Make your words, gestures, facial expressions, tone, and message match. Disciplining an employee while smiling sends a mixed message and, therefore, is ineffective. If you have to deliver a negative message, make your words, facial expressions, and tone match the message.

Answer 5

Steps to Overcoming Shyness

To overcome shyness, "say anything even if you make a fool out of yourself" is often suggested. I do not have a degree in psychology, but I think this step is impractical. By making a fool out of yourself, you’re just becoming more aware of the judgmental world that you always feared. This may only make you more shy.

Now, I’m not going to preach "I got over my shyness and so can you," because I didn’t. Well, not completely. But I know I’m not as shy now as I was when I was a child or teenager. There are no guaranteed, instant solutions, but there are things you can do that will make a difference, as they have for me:

1. Visualization means creating mental pictures of behaviors and situations that you would like to be involved in. You can daydream real life situations. Start small, like a casual conversation with a co-worker. Then imagine scenarios that are out of character for you. This will help you handle these situations in real life.

2. If you don’t have much of an imagination, you could go with writing. A journal may sound "corny" for adults. especially men, but it really works. Just telling yourself that you’re going to kick your shyness isn’t going to fix it. You’ll forget that you said it by the end of the week. Writing it down is a helpful reminder. Plus, you’ll probably get tired of reading your promise to be "less shy" and actually want to do something about it.

In any case, read over your entries once in a while and write about the many times that you missed an opportunity because you were shy, and times that you benefited from being outgoing. This will encourage you further.

You can also write down specific steps you plan to take. Journaling is a great way to think through and eventually work out many things that are bothering you, so there are other benefits, too.

3. Once you’ve daydreamed and written it down, it’s time to actually get your body away from this box and into social situations.

When out with friends, I cannot stress how important eye contact is. I’m the queen of wandering eyes and I’ll give every excuse to not maintain eye contact. Sometimes I feel it’s easier to keep the conversation alive if I let my eyes wander, because it usually makes me feel more at ease.

Maintaining eye contact may seem forced, but it’s necessary. No one is going to take you seriously if you’re looking at everything but them. Chances are, they’re just going to feel like they’re not important enough for you and that you don’t want to be there.

One day, in my third year college sociology class, we were told to sit next to a person we didn’t know. Then we had to partner up with that person. We were walked through an exercise where we had to stare into a person’s eyes for twenty minutes, as our professor read to us about that person’s suffering.

Most people didn’t pay attention to what he was saying because they were concentrating on maintaining eye contact with the stranger sitting across from them. But after nearly twenty minutes of being forced to do this, the last few minutes were a breeze.

4. Stay clear of drugs and alcohol. Getting drunk at a party or dinner may make you a social butterfly for the night, but chances are that you’ll enjoy this "new you" so much that you’ll get drunk every opportunity. This will just add other problems to your shyness.

5. Be yourself. I know that this sounds trite, but there is nothing more true than that statement. Whoever you are, that is who you are. Whether you’re a great conversationalist or you fumble and stammer every time you talk, it’s you. People will like you for being yourself and maybe then you’ll grow out of your shell.

Answer 6

I'm not sure that I understand exactly what you are afraid of. If you are talking to your friends, they will understand, and if the people you are talking with are not your friends, then what they think doesn't matter. Just be yourself and try not to monopolize the conversation. Take it slow ,it will be okay. Remember that everyone will not agree with you, this is okay. You are just offering your opinion.

Answer 7

Try conversing with your self in front of the mirror. Better yet, do what you do whenever you're with your family. Overcoming shyness and low self-esteem takes a lot of hard work. Good luck.

Answer 8

theres no quick fix for that i know i used to be the same way. then i don't know it was like i just decided that i wasnt going to be shy anymore, that kinda worked. i can be myself around my best friends and people i know ill never see again. i went to summer camps and i sponser them now. its something you get used to just like you get used to being shy. hope that helped a little at least

Answer 9

Introvertedness is not a mental illness. You may want to put your question in the Psychology
Section {first go to Social Science, then click on Psychology).
I am an R.N. with a Master's Degree and with a major in Psychology.

Please Patiently read this. It may help some.Thx

*What in the world is the difference between loving a person, and being attached to them? Love is the sincere wish, for others to be happy and to be free from suffering. Having realistically realized other’s kindness, as well as their faults, Love is Always focused on the other person’s welfare. We have no ulterior intensions or motives to fulfill our own self-interests; or to fulfill our own desires, we love others, all people, simply because they exist. Attachment, on the other hand, exaggerates others’ good qualities, and makes us crave to be with them. When we’re with them, we are happy, but when we’re separated from them, we’re miserable. Attachments are always linked with expectations of what others should be, or what they should do for us. Is love, as it is understood in most societies, really love OR attachment ? Let us examine this a little more. Generally speaking, we are attracted {drawn to) people because they have qualities we value, or because they help us in some way. If we carefully observe, through introspection, our own thought processes we’ll notice that we very often look for specific qualities in others. Some of these qualities we are drawn to are qualities within our parents, or qualities which society values.
We examine someone’s looks, education, social status, financial status, and so forth. This is how Most of us decide on whether or not the person holds any true value, or not. In addition, we judge people as worthwhile according to how they relate to us. If they praise us, encourage us, help us, if they listen to what we have to say, if they make us feel secure, if they take care of us when were sick, unhappy or depressed, we consider them good, or sometimes righteous people, and these are the people we more drawn to, whom we are most likely attracted to, and the people we choose to be around with.
In all honesty, this is very biased, for we are judging them, only in terms of how they relate to us, as if we are the most important person in the world & thinking the world revolves around us! After we’ve judged certain people to be good for us, whenever we see them, it appears to us as if goodness is radiating out from within them, but as we are more mindfully aware, we realize that we have projected this goodness on to them.
Desiring to be the people who make us feel good, we become emotional yo-yo’s, when we’re with these people, we’re up, but when we’re not with them, we’re down. Furthermore, we form fixed concepts of what our relationships with these people will be, and thus have expectations of them. “When they do not live up to our expectations of them, we’re unhappy, disappointed or may even become angry. We want them to change so that they will match what we think they are. But our projections and expectations come from our own minds, not from other people. Our problems arise not because others aren’t who we thought they were, but because we mistakenly thought they were something they were not. We often use a type of Checklist also. Checklist: “I Love You IF ___________ !” This Love is Conditional and what we call love, is most often attachment. It is actually an attitude which overestimates the qualities of another person.
’Then we cling tightly to that person, thinking our peace and happiness depends on that person. We even often blame that person for our unhappiness.’ Love, on the other hand, is a very patient, calm, optimistic and relaxed attitude. We want others to be free from suffering and to be happy simply because they exist. While attachments are uncontrolled, and too emotionally sentimental, Love is Patient, powerful, and controlled(disciplined). Attachment obscures our judgment {our ability to make sound, wise decisions), and we become impatient, angry, and impartial – helping our dear ones, and those who do us no harm. Love clarifies our mind, & we access a situation by thinking of the greatest good for everyone. Attachment is based on selfishness, while love is founded on valuing, & cherishing others, even those who do not look very appealing to us. Love always looks beyond all the superficial appearances and dwells on the fact that they are just like us: they want peace of mind, happiness, and wish to avoid suffering. If we see an unattractive, or unintelligent people we most often feel repulsed, because our selfish minds want to find attractive, intelligent, and talented people. On the other hand, Love never evaluates others by theses superficial standards and looks much deeper into the person. Love recognizes that regardless of the others appearances, they’re experiences are they same as ours: they want inner mental peace, happiness, and wish to be from suffering. When we’re attached, we’re not mentally, emotionally, & spiritually free. For we overly depend on, and cling to another person, to fulfill our emotional, mental, and spiritual needs. We fear losing the person, fearing that we’d be incomplete without them.” This does Not mean that we should suppress all our emotional needs, or become aloof, and totally independent, for that too would not solve the problem. We must simply realize our unrealistic needs and slowly, gently and patiently – seek to eliminate them. If we try to suppress them, pretending they do not exist, we become insecure, anxious, or possibly depressed. In this case, we do our best to fulfill our needs, while simultaneously working gradually to subdue them. The core problem is that most of us seek to be loved, rather than to love. We yearn to be understood by others, rather than to understand them. Our sense of emotional insecurities comes from the selfish obscuring of our own minds. We develop confidence by recognizing our inner potential to become a Selfless human being, having many magnificent qualities, and then we’ll develop and have an accurate perception of ourselves, gaining self-confidence. We’ll seek to increase true unconditional love, to increase compassion, to cultivate patience, as well as generosity, right concentration and wisdom. Under the influence of attachment, we’re bound by our unstable emotional reactions to others. When they’re nice to us, we’re happy, but when they ignore us or speak sharply to us, we take it personally, and are unhappy. But pacifying attachment doesn’t mean we become hard-hearted, rather without attachments, there will be space in our hearts and minds for genuine affection and impartial love for them. And as a result, we’ll be more actively involved with them. As we learn to transform our minds & lives, through subduing our attachments, we can definitely have successful friendships, and personal relationships with others. These relationships will be richer, more meaningful because of the freedom and respect the relationships are based on. We’ll really care about the happiness and misery of all human beings equally, simply because everyone is the same inside: we all want inner peace of mind, Happiness, and to be from suffering.
However, of course, our lifestyles and interests may be a bit more compatible with some people. Our friendships and our personal relationships will be based on mutual interests, and to help other people. Having such an attitude, we’ll be much More Patient, & tolerant toward others; will remain mentally calm, having Peace of Mind and Happiness, and we’ll communicate successfully with others in life.*