problems with my daughter- any advice?

Question

it's a very complicated situation but basically, my 20 yr old daughter prefers her grandmother (father's side) to me. she is having minor dental surgery soon and has asked her grandma to take her instead of me. I asked why? and she said she wanted her to take her. should I tell her I feel hurt that she has shun me? this is not the first time that she has done this.
she only comes to me when she wants money, otherwise it's grandma this and that all the time
I feel jealous and betrayed as well. I am her mother. why can't the grandma turn her down. doesn't she realize that this is MY daughter not hers?
i am divorced from her father and she shuns him too.
why grandma? i have wondered if she feels more comfortable on a neutral side perhaps? i have tried to talk to her about it but she won't talk about it.
as well, I don't really like this family- i left the ex and family cuz they are alcoholics and tried to ruin my life and now are doing the same with my kids

Answer 1

Be patient. I know it's hard, but be patient anyway. She is 20 and that explains so much. Barely out of her teen years and still has some resentment over the divorce thing. Just be yourself. Try developing a good, solid relationship a little bit at a time. Don't nag or be pushy. Just wait . . . . when she gets to be about 25-30, you'll find that she wants her mom for everything. How do I know? She sounds alot like I was at that age.

Answer 2

Tough one sorry. I have gone through kind of the same thing with my wife and her daughter. When I met my wife the kids (son and daughter) would come out on the weekends and spend fri sat sun with us. Everything was good until Sun night when we would take them home. The daughter would start a fight on the way there and wouldnt hug my wife when we left. ALmost every weekend. My wife, understandably would spoil the kids when they came so as not to have a disturbance for the weekend. After all she only got to see them 3 days a week. Finally I said to her that she was not being a mom but a friend. They got what they wanted and left. After some coaxing I got her to be more "motherly" when they were here. They resented her at first and the daughter wanted nothing to do with her for quite sometime. I felt bad in that i may have given the wrong advice but I stuck to my guns and I think my wife resented me for suggesting that. Whenever she did talk to her it was short and always about her dads mother and how great her grandma was. After about 5 months we started to recieve phone calls from the daughter and my wife stayed the course of being the mom and lo and behold, its been 6 years since then and these two are inseperable. NOW they can be friends because she is grown up and on her own. The daughter has seen the heir of ways and everyone is happy once again. She is 23 now. I dont know if this helped but it it might. Seems like she needs her mom still and so much the money.

Answer 3

I am so sorry to hear your issue. Unfortunately, if your daughter is not talking about the issue, then she probably can't explain it herself as to why she prefer grandma.

The question is this, think back when your daughter was young at the time you were with your ex. How were things with you and her. How much time did you spend with her, who babysit her more. This can be an affect of the earlier time, which might have explain why she chose another person than you.

If you think back and the case is that , her grandma babysit her more at the young age, then sometimes saying sorry to your child for the loss time they had with you at their young age might help. It might not be the case for you, but obviously you are looking for anwer as to why Grandma instead of you.

On the other hand, you hate you ex inlaws, don't you think your feelings towards you childs other side of the family might bush her more to the people you do not like.

Try and let go of the past, if you respect your daughters love for her grandmother, you never know how things might come around. You are trying to make your daughter choose between you and her grandmother. Once a person put someone into that position, ofther they loose what they fear the most is loosing that person they love.

You are suppose to be the number one in your daughters life, then support your daught in everyway you can, but do not try to make her choose between the people she loves.

She is old enough to see whats right and wrong. Let her see your ex family for herself. After all they are her people too, and I am sure they love her too. She loves you more if you let her be with people she also loves. Be patient do not let your jealousy to push you daughter even further away.

All the best.

Answer 4

Well from a daughter's perspective (and one that actually does not get along well with her mother) I hate to say it, but my lack of a relationship with my mother did not happen over night and I was not won over by a grandmother or other relative. This stemed from problems we both had since I was a child. There is a source to why this is happening. I don't want to talk to my mother about it because I'm scared if I complain then she will feel like a bad mother. I love her and hate her but not even I can admit a fault that big nor can I let her think that.
I can't tell you how to fix this, but I can tell you it's hard. Look back on your relationship with her and try to find it. Once you do, it might be useful to confront her and admit to your faults and apologize. Granted, this problem isn't solely your fault, but you must take the first step to admit it.
I'm not familiar with divorce problems in my family, but that may be the likely cause. Just try to keep an open mind, and try your best to try to build a new, healthy relationship with your daughter.
As to the grandmother, it is too much to ask for her to deny your daughter. If she is an alcoholic, then you can warn your daughter of the truoble alcohol has already had on your family.

Answer 5

I think that communication can solve a lot of problems. The first step is to go to her and say: " I notice that you seem to prefer your grandmother over your dad and I. I understand that you and your grandmother have a strong relationship and I am wondering why we don't. Is there something that I have done or said that makes you shun away from me?" Now, you have to say this in such a way that is NON THREATENING or ACCUSATORY. And, make sure that you LISTEN to her answer. You may have to coax her to open up, but it can be done if they environment is non-threatening. Also, the reason she only comes to you for money is because YOU have allowed that to be the nature of your relationship. The next time that happens, tell her: "It really bothers me and is offensive that you don't want to spend time with me, but when you need money, you always come around." Tell her that she is being selfish and disrespectful and that it will no longer be tolerated. Let her know that you have feelings and that contrary to what she may believe, you are not a never ending ATM.

Good luck and remember, COMMUNICATION IS KEY!

Answer 6

I think that you should just respect your daughter's decision. If she wants her grandma then let her . Their relationship should not reflect who you are as a mother. I see that you love your daughter but like anyone else kids have feelings too. She could be going through a phase right now where she feels that grandma is the only person she can trust. How long have you been divorced? Its possible that she feels that her grandmother was the only person right there for her during the most trying times.When we go through changes in our lives , we tend to stick to that person that has been there for us always. Don't be uspet if she shuns you. Respect her decisions and understand . Just be there for her and show her that your are there for her when you need her.

Answer 7

I don't have a daughter of my own, will not for hopefully a decade or two, but I'm going to throw something out at you, feel free to take it or leave it.

I've learned from my experiences, sometimes the best thing to do is to just tell someone how you feel. Maybe, tell your daughter you're feeling left out, betrayed, and that you would really like to have her in your life. Be honest, and just tell her everything you've posted for us to read. If she sees how it is affecting you, how it's hurting you she'll most likely be more responsive to changing the situation.

In regards to her asking for money, it might hurt but I'd suggest telling her no. It's not right for a child to come and request money, especially if they've been moving away from you. If they can't talk to you about other things, like being together with you, then they shouldn't be talking about their financial woes either.

Just my inexperienced two-cents, hope something helps and good luck!

Answer 8

you may want to ask urself - what is it that the grandmother has given to your precious girl that you never.

you should tell her about how you feel but never try to say bad things about the grandmother. i believe she respects and loves her very very much. she has that special bonding with the granny and you are getting jealous.

i know you have been through the tough 9 - 10 months to have her... but what about after that? have you given her everything that a child would want?

dun ask her why again cos i bet she'll nvr say at all. she's 20 and not 10 and has her own piece of mind.

i think u shd really reflect on the relationship seriously. i know u love her... : )

Answer 9

She is just more comfortable with her grandma. She probably feels like with you and her dad she always has to choose sides. Just give her time. Try not to talk about her dad at all when you are around her or if you do have to talk about him really try to only be possitive if possible. My stepson got to where he prefered me because I never talked about anyone on either side of his family bad. This could be what she is doing. Good luck.

Answer 10

Face it, sweetie, you are being a little too jealous at the moment. Calm down and relax. Your child is 20, not 17, and she is eligible to decide what she wants to do... Some kids just form a mutual relationship with others. Unfortunately, it wasn't you, so I apologize for the inconvenience... Just stop looking into things so seriously