i dont know what to do anymore.?

Question

my husband and i are having a really hard time with our marriage as of right now we are not together. i left him due to his extra curricular activities. ( drugs ) we have four kids together and for the most part they are great kids. but my daughter is not listening at all to me. in fact she would rather spend the time at my mothers house then at home with me. i know that she would be adjusting to the situation but to be completely honest she thinks that her father is at work not that we are seperated or that he does drugs. i do not want them to think ill of their father. i am not the type of mother that lets her children get away with all types of things, but i am not a drill sargent either. my mother on the other hand would rather let her do whatever she wants, i dont know how to disapline her without making her hate me. iam the only parental figure left in her life. i am scared that she will hate me and ill lose our relationship. what do i do. oh by the way my daughter is only 5.

Answer 1

Well if your daughter is only 5 then she can not hate you. She might say she does but she really doesnt. If she is pulling away from you, then let her. All you can do is try to build a relationship with her. Let her know that you are there for her. You need to give her time to adjust to whats going on around her. But i dont think you should keep things from her about her father. If she doenst ask then fine, but if she does then you should tell her. And im sorry about your marriage.

Answer 2

For starters, you really should have your little girl's time at grandma's limited as it normally would be. That is the reason why she will not listen to you any longer. Why should she want to stay with you when you will set limits and boundaries for her and grandma will not. There is no easy way to do this, and you will be the bad guy for a while when you insist that she start staying home the way she is supposed to be. The longer you allow this to go on, the more difficult it will be for her to make the transition of living at home with your family. You will need to explain to her that you and her siblings miss and need her at home.

I went through a similar experience when I made the mistake of letting my daughter stay at grandma's while I worked. When I quit working, and my daughter was 4 at the time, she turned into a little monster. She would scream and yell she hated me and wanted to go back to grandma's house. I had wanted to put her in pre-school a half a day so she would be better adjusted, then go to grandma's house afterwards till I or her father picked her up after work. Dad nixed the idea, and I was the one who paid dearly for that decision.

You may be scared she will hate you and you will lose your relationship, but it doesn't sound as if you have one since she doesn't stay at home the way she should so you can be her mother.

Answer 3

It would be very confusing for your children. But its great that she is only 5. I would suggest 'have fun with her- take her some where and have a great time.' You need to explain something about her dad. I would suggest a fun rewards chart, maybe you could do it with all of your children. Give each child 7 boxes and when they are really good, give them a star to put in there box. Once all 7 boxes are full they get a prize. Let each child choose their prize wright it on the rewards chart and let them work towards it. I would be getting your 5 year olds respect back quick smart. Because the older they are the harder it gets. By the way the prize might be an afternoon at the park, an ice cream, a little toy, anything. Remember for this to work you need to catch them being good- Keep that in mind at all times. and praise the children often.

Answer 4

Time outs can work for her age for discipline. oneminute for every year of her age-5yr.-5 minutes. Is she a daddy's girl? That, if she is, is why you have problems with her. Yur mom is gramma to these children.
How long have you been separated from the dad? Does he usually "go off to work" for any certain length of time? Or a few days? One thing that you are doing correctly is not bad mouthing their father to them, nor around them. When you feel like you can talk with your children, you can tell them that mommy and daddy love all of you, but that you and daddy can't live together right now. Maybe in the future, but not right now.You don't need to tell them about the drugs. Honesty, with consideration of the age of the chidren, without going into all the details, is good. She won't hate you, the only time I have ever heard of a situation like that, is a young lady at a seminar I was at several years ago, who shared that her mom bad mouthed the gal's dad, so when she became of age, she has contacted her father, and no longer (at that time) communicated with her mom. Just please keep reassuring your children that you are there for them. Maybe take a parenting class to get some ideas on how to discipline, now that you are the one parent? Or talk with a friend about it? I wish you the best. Take care.

Answer 5

To start - good on you for leaving your husband. Drugs have no place in a home with a small child.
I hope he can sort himself out and realises what a mistake he has made. His family is much more important than anything else.

In regards to your daughter. She is only five. If you think you and your husband might work it out sooner rather than later then it is porbably best she does not know. However, if you think it is over for good you need to tell her.

Five year olds are all about testing boundaries and seeing how far they can push you to get what they want. And obviously with Grandma that is not hard to do.

Your daughter will not hate you for being more disciplined. Kids thrive on structure in their lives. They like routine. All kids go through and 'I hate mom' phase. It will pass.

I'd have words with the Grandma about how far she lets your daughter run wild. It does not help when you have to look like the bad one. Of course all Grandparents are a little more relaxed with the rules than parents, but there is a point it goes too far.

She's your child and you should do what you believe is best for her.

Good Luck. Hope your husband comes to his senses before it's too late.

Answer 6

My husband and I separated for awhile (we are now back togethe) but I know what you are going through. My oldest was almost four (he turned four during the separation) and I was always worried about how to help him through it. First off, your daughter is not that stupid, even if she thinks dad is at work, she knows SOMETHING is up. Grandma is more lenient anyway and is probably even more so now so your daughter isn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth and she will take full advantage of it.
To make sure that they still feel connected to their father (and this may REALLY hurt, it hurt me) hang up a picture of their dad in their bedrooms. Make sure that they say goodnight to Daddy (this isn't a bad habit if he works late usually and isn't home at bedtime). You are right to keep the drug-use from the kids but you may be better off telling them that daddy is sick and can't live with them until he gets better so that they don't call you on it later or think that their dad just doesn't ever see them because he doesn't like them.
As for the discipline, get over it. I know that sounds harsh but ultimately, this situation may be permanent and whether it is or not, she has to grow up to be a good woman and have self-discipline. Disciplinewith resect and love but don't let her get away with not listening and don't let her escape to Grandma's instead of behaving. Grandma's is a treat (or daycare), it is not home. She has to earn extra time at Grandma's and bad behavior means that a child cannot go visiting. You probably don't get to spend as much time with her as you would like and feel bad that she doesn't have a dad now, but as her ONLY parental figure, you have to help her grow up right. She will rebel at the crackdown at first but when things are more like normal and you are disciplining her as if nothing special is happening, she will be able to deal with everything much better. If she is acting out in a weird way and you think she is dealing with the separation, call her on it. Tell her you realize she misses Daddy, but that it is still not okay to ignore you. Have her do what you said to and then give her a hug. If you want to talk or need more ideas, email me. Best wishes my sister.

Answer 7

As a mental health practitioner with 20+ years experience in family and parenting and drug abuse issues, now retired, I can tell you that to expect a "remedy" on Answers is a HUGE mistake. Even I, with all my experience in my clinic, cannot "help" you. I can refer you to counseling, but even more important is to go to an Adult Child of Alcholics meeting, or to an Alanon meeting ASAP so you can work seriously on the issues in your family, not just with your husband. Forget the marriage for now. That's not the issue here. Set your priorities. Your kids are you priority, so get yourself to an Alanon (spouse of alcoholic) meeting, or an ACOA (Adult Child of Alcoholic) meeting ASAP. I know you didn't mention alcohol in your question, but just trust me on this one. If you choose to go to a counselor, it doesn't need to be a psychologist or psychiatrist. They don't know everything, and in my experience many of them don't know enough to be called professionals and some should be sued for malpractice for "hanging out a shingle" suggesting they do. Find a counselor who has some specific credential in substance abuse counseling as well as some mental health counseling, the substance abuse issue being the most important, but better if you have both, such as I have. Get a move-on. Your daughter is developing the wrong way, as-we-speak! God Bless you.

Answer 8

Children, especially at her age, need and want the parent(s) to be in control, to set boundaries. It creates more insecurity when no one is in charge--I don't mean drill sergeant, I just mean being firm and setting the boundaries and expectations. There is no reason to fear your child 'hating' you--you are the centre of her world! Just have compassion for what she must be going through, and make it clear what you expect of her.

And yes, counselling is a good idea, for all of you. Being with an addict can create major trauma in you, which you probably need to resolve. Good luck.

Answer 9

You do dream, you basically are not remembering them. each and each night the physique is going with the aid of some cycles of REM (speedy eye flow) sleep it rather is the dreaming state. i hit upon as you become older you remember your objectives much less. i've got long previous with the aid of long sessions of no longer remembering my objectives the two and had a similar thought. yet bodily, your concepts does dream on a similar time as slumbering whether you do no longer remember. A trick you should aim is having somebody wake you up contained in direction of the night and that i guess you may remember a number of what you have been only dreaming.

Answer 10

sit her down and tell her that you are her mother and that she has to live by your rules. Its ok to visit grandma but she still has rules, also take your mother and tell her that you would appreciate it if she would make her have some rules.