Has anyone been so hurt?

Question

I was so hurt by my ex's in the past that I now rejoice at the thought of never ever..ever falling in love again.. I happen to love too much & loose the guy or get one who loves me too much and I feel resentful. Now the thought of getting into a relationship fills me with dread. Its been 5 years now, I feel content with my life but wonder if am a 'type' that's cut to be single forever or did the hurt turn into a phobia. My social life is great....but I hate the idea or even thought of ever LOVING again. What do you think?

Answer 1

As you can see by the responses you are getting, there are many people like you (and me) and the fact that you ask the question indicates that you are really not happy with your situation. I understand this dichotomy completely - you want to remain safe in your comfort zone where you can't be hurt and where you need not feel the weight of responsibility for another person's happiness - and yet you yearn for meaning in your life. You relish your isolation and smile smugly when others say, 'You don't know how lucky you are, not having to answer to any man ...' etc etc but somewhere deep down, while snuggling up on the sofa in your pink fluffy dressing gown and box of Pringles ready for another night of tv, you wonder why you have this sense that life is passing you by.

What are you going to do about it?

I had to do something about it when I realised that time after time I deliberately scuppered relationships as soon as I felt we were getting 'too close'. I feared intimacy because it left me exposed and vulnerable and I would systematically find fault with the other person, convincing myself that he was not 'the one'. The last time I tried to end things yet again on a whim, my b/f decided to do some hard talking with me to make me confront my behaviour. I am now following a program of therapy and for the first time in years I am beginning to feel optimistic about the future. I had not realised the impact my relationship-phobia was having in every aspect of my life: in fact, I was depressed and had developed coping strategies that were actually detrimental to my long-term happiness.

Now that I can see the pattern of behaviour and I understand what I do and why, I no longer feel the need to do it. I can feel the simple joy in being with someone without the anxiety that used to accompany it. I urge you to think about counselling -- it may not ring true with you at the moment but relationships really are key to happiness and a good one can give your life meaning and purpose.

Answer 2

Personally i think us lot are social creatures & meant to be together.As a guy i reckon we're all half of a relationship or a couple.I don't think we're meant to be alone - but that's just my humble opinion.
I can relate to your situatio tho.I'd been hurt & lied to by 2 sucessive gf's.I swore never ever again.Better to be alone than be hurt yadda-yadda.Then i met my other half, the complete love of my life - a totally gorgeous American girl.I tried to resist & put up defences but i never stood a chance .She melted me completely.
Her job takes her back home every so often & she's away for a 3/4 weeks.It was one time when she was gonna be away 2 months i realized i was in love with her.It's times like that you forget what you promise yourself.I told her how i felt & all she said was "why did it take you so long to get your a.ss in gear?"
I was like you a phobic of being with someone.But we;re together 15 happy months.All i will say is if you're happy as you are - fine & good luck! But if you want to get back into a realationship or whatever.Take that leap of faith, a leap into the unknown.You could hit the jackpot like i did! The best of luck to you!

Answer 3

It could be a combination of bitterness and the fear of getting hurt again. I have been hurt so many times in the past 2 years, I thought I had grown callous or impervious to pain. Then I met the most wonderful woman in the world, she melted my heart. The right one is out there, it just takes guts, faith and the will to not give up. The funny thing is that the good ones usually come when you least expect them, or when you are not even looking.

Answer 4

I KNOW EXACTLY how you feel. One of my questions actually addresses this. Sometimes I feel empty or numb. But enought about me. I think it's healthy to be single if you don't feel that emptiness. However, if you can personally KNOW and describe it as a phobia, there's something wrong there. Get out there. Just because you've been hurt before doens't mean it's not worth giving it another try. You won't meet prince charming without kissing some frogs along the way. <---very tacky and cliche statement, but true, nonetheless :P
Good Luck :)

Answer 5

Know the feeling, been there. Swore never to let myself get into it again. I now have an 8 month old son and a loving partner. I fought not to fall in love again but now am, I have tomake sure I dont keep comparing my previous life. Good luck. x

Answer 6

Do not ever give up on loving again. Somewhere out there there is someone for you and that is why you have broken off with your ex. You know deep down inside there was someone else that can and will appreciate the love you have to offer and there is! Just wait and see.

Answer 7

hi i know how u feel is has taken me 3 years to fine mr right this time but u will find it time u are ready to love again and everyone need to be in love but if u dont take a chance u will never no if it would be or not i think u need to get back on the cart and find someone as u need to love again

Answer 8

it depends on how you feel about it love now in general, if you don't want to be involved in intimate relationships there is nothing wrong with that, sound like the hurt is turning into a phobia, it's up to you to decide if you want to be alone or not forever, take new relationships slow

Answer 9

Hey, nobody is ment to be alone! I don't know if you are religious but in my religion we believe that in order to get in the highest degree of the highest kingdom you must be sealed to a member of the oposite sex that you love! To me that is awesome! Now if you disagree hear me out! Do you think that we would be put here and ment to be single. I don't!! Just cheer up!! Start going on dates again!!! Soon you will find that special person, and you will realize you are in love!!! I promiss!!! Just chin up and keep trying!!!!

Answer 10

To Hating Love .....


I think by asking this question you are seeking permission to be a pessimist, and a vulnerable one at that.


You are what "type" you typecast yourself in.
You control the direction of you life.
Do you only want to be "content"?


There is pros and cons to loving and being loved. Is it worth it?

I think so.

P