How Can I Help My Daughter Accept Growing Up?

Question

My daughter is going to be thirteen in late April and she is having a really hard time with the idea of being a teenager and not being a "kid" anymore. She is really upset and has been crying about it since yesterday. I tried explaining that everyone has to get older and that we can't do anything about it so we have to learn to accept it and also that it is God's plan or it wouldn't happen, but nothing I say seems to help. Any advice?

I"m not pushing her to grow up fast and she is very innocent for a twelve year old. She is homeschooled and loves animals. She doesn't follow pop music at all and has no desire to chase boys or wear makeup.

Answer 1

What sort of contact does she have with other kids her age - normal, average adolescents, that she is either not related to or not the kids of your friends?

Maybe it's just fear. If she is homeschooled and her contact with other teenagers is a bit limited she may have an expectation of what it's like to be a teenager that worries her a bit. Maybe she has heard all about the stuff kids get up to, or started reading books and magazines and is becoming more "aware" of what teenagers get up to, and doesn't feel ready for that.

Or is she going to be going to a regular school for her secondary education? Maybe this is scaring her because she just doesn't feel ready to mix with the other kids.

IAre there any local girls clubs, social groups, sporting teams or hobby groups she could become involved with outside of just her family and her church? This might help her realise growing up isn't as scary as it seems - it can be fun to look forward to things like hanging out with your friends, experimenting with hairstyles and makeup, going to the movies, having sleepovers, giggling about boys, going to dances, all the stuff girls get up to in their early teens. (Except the scary ones...)

Answer 2

Just let her be. I would suggest not talking about it anymore. My mother always let me grow up at my own pace. I remember being a kid and being scared of new experiences, but I grew to accept everything at my own pace. Maybe you need to redefine your definition of grown-up. I played with dolls up into the beginning of jr. high, then I stopped when I wanted to. Maybe you can explain to her that nothing she likes now has to stop until she is ready. I had a roommate, who at ten, had all of her dolls and toys thrown away by her mother because she was too "old" for them. It wasn't until college when she saw dolls, blankets, and other loveys on other girls' beds that she realized what her mother had done. She felt like her mother had stolen her childhood from her. Just make sure you never push her too fast. Boys and such will be of interest when they become so. Until then cherish every moment you have with your "little" girl because she will be grown-up for the rest of her life. You really are lucky in a way because a lot of children these days can't wait to leave childhood behind.

Answer 3

I can't give you a definitive answer on this one. Sorry.

However, let's put this into perspective. It's sort of on the same wavelength as telling someone that they have to accept that they are going to die, cos we all are going to. Do you remember the first time you were told that by your parents? What was your reaction?

Maybe, very tentatively you should ask a little bit more and see where her fears lie exactly and try to reassure her from there.

Also, you talk about G-d. I assume this means that you are religious or at the least are a believer in G-d. Have you tried going to your religious practitioner? Maybe s/he can give you some guidance in this matter.

Answer 4

I think that the idea of being a teenager scares her because of what she sees on tv, or what she hears from friends that maybe don't homeschool.

Tell her it's okay to act like a kid, because let's face it, she still is, then again maybe she isn't. I've never seen adulthood in age, but by maturity. I know some adults who act like they're 12, and some 12 years olds that act like they're adults.

Answer 5

A lot of kids/teens feel this way, and why rush her growing up. 13 is just a number, I'm not saying let her be a kid until she's 30, but why rush her childhood. Don't you ever wish to be a kid again, well let her enjoy it. Focus on now, and let her time as a child be fun and worthwhile, don't rush growing up because this only makes things worse. It may be a phase and it will pass, but you need to realize your only a kid ONCE, let your daughter enjoy it.

Answer 6

What does she think growing up means? Are there new things you will expect of her? She needs to be told clearly what it will in her daily life for her to be 13, what will change and in what ways she can still be a kid.

In most ways, she will probably still be allowed to be a kid, am I right? So make sure she knows that.

And it's better that she doesn't want to grow than that she tries to grow up too soon, isn't it?

Answer 7

Hi, my sister is 13 and turning 14 soon, she just recently got her period and was crying all day the whole time she had it becauseshe doesn't want to grow up either, basically she was told she really doesn't have much choice so unless she wanted to die right now (then she wouldn't get older) she was just going to have to toughen up and accept the fact that everyone gets older. this was about two weeks ago. she's fine and happy now.

Answer 8

Girls are very sensitive at this age, anyway, with the body and hormonal changes.

But, since you home school, have you been making sure she socializes with peers? Seems like one of the pitfalls of homeschooling, some children aren't properly socialized and are ill-prepared for the real world.

Answer 9

You know what? A lot of moms have the opposite problem- they have a kid wanting to be a teen. I could name some who are trying to smoke, drink, go out closer to nude than dressed, etc, before 13. So, just fall on your knees and than the powers that be that your girl isn't in a hurry.

Answer 10

I remember doing the same thing.. I cried about it and when it was over .. I was fine. I seen that it really was no different than 12 after all. I know she seems upset now.. but take her shopping or do something really special for her that day. She'll be fine.. good luck!