Should children attend funerals?

Question

My son has attended 2 funerals over past couple of years at aged 7 and then at 9 years old. He understood what what happening and even asked if he could do a reading at my darling dads service last year. He was fantastic and read confidently, without a mistake in front of 200 people. I was so very proud of him. I got some flack afterwards from some who thought that it wasnt appropriate for him to be there but he needed to say his goodbyes just like the rest of the family. Whats your opinion?

I cant believe all the support from so many great answers. I wish I could give 10 points to almost everyone.
Rockford there was no open casket at the funeral and my son didnt 'perform'. It was done with great dignity.
Lees I am so sorry about your dad, God bless hun.

Answer 1

i have just found out my dad has cancer and will die andi told my 8 yr old daughter 2day,they are very close and sh took it ok,she asked a few q's had little weep,but shes more concerned how i will feel and will nanny b ok kids are very resilient,they bounce back keep us occupied,were the ones who mourn,and think about what ifs and if i'd only..........4get what people think and be proud of your boy 4 being strong willed and such a well brought up child,be proud of yourself as well 4 doing a great job!!

Answer 2

I officiate at funrals, and often there are children there. In all the times I have been leading at funerals I have NEVER seen a child misbehave.
It is entirely appropriate for a child to be at a funeral, if they are close to the person who has died. In the services I do often 'something' has been done by a grandchild, a poem, a picture on the service sheet etc.....

You are the parent here, if you felt after chatting to your children that they should be there, then that's absolutely fine. I find most children understand the concept of death even from a young age.

Life and death go together, it's part of being human, it would be inappropriate for children to be shielded from this. But children should be 'exposed' when it is right for them, and only you as a parent can decide that.

And at 9 years of age, he is certainly mature enough to be joining in with a corporate service Good for you for allowing him to say goodbye in the ways he felt was right. I wish more parents ignored silly superstition and did what they believed right all along anyway!

Answer 3

Yes, I think so if it is someone they know. Maybe children aged three or under might find it difficult to understand?

I was four when I went to my first funeral and can remember it. It's quite a funny story really -

A friend of my parents had been killed in a mining accident. At the funeral my Dad told me that his body was in 'that box'. Well I looked in the direction he was pointing and could see a large(ish) cardboard box with flowers in it/covering it. Now my parents friend was a tall man and it was years before I realised he hadn't been squashed into that cardboard box but that there must have been a coffin too!

It didn't put me off though - I was just a little bit concerned for a few years! Thankfully my children haven't known anyone who has died (apart from the dog) so I haven't been faced with this decision, but I am fairly confident that they would want to go to the funeral.

Answer 4

Truthfullly, that decision is based on how the child's mind set, emotional expression and how much education this child has on the process of death and what to expect etc.

I attended my first funeral of my great grandmother at age 7, who I never met. My mom taught me from a very small age that death is part of life. Everyone will have a death. Sadly, some will have a not so happy ending and others who will die peacefully in their sleep. As a Christian, my education was based on heaven, God, Angels and also reality of accidents/sickness etc (more in depth as I got older of course).

The first funeral I cried at was my niece's, who was only 2 months old and was due to come home from the hospital. We practically lived in Hollywood (where they flew her too) for half of her life. She died due to doctor's ignorance errors that caused infection etc. I cried at a few since, but that was the first and only one that hit me extremly hard. I was 13.

i have been to about 14 or so funerals since age of 7, with a lot of people I never attended as the number would of been higher.

Each funeral was different, even though format and sadness was present. I think a person, any age, can learn something positive, only if positive influencal is around them. A person who believes a child should not be present will send a different message to him or her that this isn't a place for them and something must be "wrong" for them to not join.

children need to say their goodbyes too. The best way is to let them decide sometimes what they want to do and what they feel is best for themselves. Other wise, that child will grow up with resentment, confusion, anger and sometimes fear of death/funerals.

I have a facination about death/the human body and related things as it is part of life and curious about it. Doesn't make me less different because I want to know as much as i can so when my time comes, I am not clueless nor upset about the process.

If a child can not handle it mentally or emotionally, by all means, I think the child should not attend nor be forced to attend.

Answer 5

I suppose it depends on the child and their relationship with the person. It sounds like he has no problems with it as he asked to read at your dad's service. Children do need to say their goodbyes like everyone else, they love and care for people close to them just like everyone else. And they do need to know about life. It is sad when we lose people, but it is a part of life as much as any other, and keeping them from that can make it harder later on. The funeral is a chance for everyone to say goodbye and remember the person who has gone.

My daughter is 8 and luckily this situation has not come up for us. My Grandad died when she was 2 yrs old which is too young, and I knew it would be bad for her. But I believe she is old enough now to understand what is happening and we talk a lot so I would say that although obviously everyone has their own opinion, I think you did the right thing.

Answer 6

it depends on who the funeral is for. if it is a family the yes they should be allowed the right to say goodbye. just like your son. when I was 9 I lost my great grandpa. we were very close because I still remember sitting on his lap at Christmas time and listening to him tell story's about the rail road (he was an engineer on the rail roads and helped lay rails in most of NC, he also worked on the engines). don't people think that if a child has that kind of bonding with someone that they should be allowed to be at the final ceremony?

I can understand children not being taken to the funeral of a coworker that they did not know at all. but a family member, like a grandma, grandpa, father, mother, sibling, or even a close Friend the kids should be allowed the right to say goodbye one last time.

Answer 7

I agree it depends on whos funeral it is but certainly children should be involved on people who are very close, I attended my first funeral at the age of 7 when my sister died, 11 yrs later I stood alongside my brother then age 8 for my little brother who had died in a tragic accident age 6, just three and half yrs later I stood there again with my brothers then aged 12 and 7 whilst we were at my dads funeral who had passed age just 42, being involved helps children to grieve and learn about death and whats involved, whilst its hard I feel they deserve the chance to say goodbye to there loved one in a way also it helped me realise it was real and I wouldnt see her again because until the funeral I think part of you expects them to come home

Answer 8

It depends upon how old they are and the relationship they have with the person in question. Children have to grieve just as adults do and denying them the opportunity to do so could be very emotionally damaging to them. Funerals are a ritual that can help them come to terms with what has happened. The question of whether they give readings is essentially a separate isuue. Providing the child really wants to do so and understands how it may make them feel then I think it is ok.

Answer 9

I think it is a good thing mostly, though not always. I would say be guided by the child. Your son obviously did very well and wanted to go.

My daughter was really disturbed about attending her grandad's funeral. She had already attended her other grandad's funeral a couple of years before but it really had a negative effect on her.
So for this grandad she went but stood just outside the church. She finds death really disturbing even though she was 15 at this last funeral.

So I would always ask the child what they want.

Answer 10

I believe that if their parent think that they can handle it then they should. In my opinion parents should ask their children whether they would like to attend rather than making the decision for them. Especially if the child in question was close to whoever died in my opinion it would be wrong to deny the child the right of the last farewell and disrespectful to the dead to not have all their loved ones present. Also its hard for some children to understand that death is final and it is only real for them when they see it for themselves. But if the parent truly believes that their child is too sensitive to handle the death of a loved one then who am i to judge.
Another reason why someone might not want to see children at the funeral or wake is because some children just dont seem to know how to behave in situations like that my little cousins all went to my grandpa's funeral and they acted horribly they were playing tag at the gravesite and picking flowers from headstones. In your case i don't think it was right for people to give you lip for bringing your son your his parent and you know him better than anyone else your the only one who can say what he can and cannot handle.

Answer 11

There's no problem a child his age cannot be at a funeral. It's closure to him. Once you've been at the funeral and said goodbye whether to Grandpa or Grandma or any one else for that matter its much better for him to understand, when he goes next time to the house, the person will not be there.
I have no problems with it at all and the people who gave you flack should really mind their own beeswax.