What is the best way to deal with a 12 yr old daughter with attitude?

Question

for ex. yesterday, i was sharing a story with her and I said something like "you know what that means" she looked at the ceiling and said "i'm sure your gonna tell me". she is harder to get to do her chores and get to bed when i tell her. her father and i are seperated, so i am sure she is feeling stress from this. even though she denies anything is bothering her. i've tried to sit down and talk with her about it but she acts like nothing is wrong. is this acceptable attitude? i don't wanna alienate her and i want her to be open to talk to me. so how do i deal with her. and i wanna make sure i'm not being too touchy. i'm sure i'm stressed too.

Answer 1

My 12 year old is going through the same thing and her father and I are still married. I saw the same with my older 2 girls I put it down to hormones. But you do need to be firm with her about her chores and bedtime. Talk with her about her day and try not to give too much advice or enforce your opinion they don't want to hear it but do leave conversation open she'll learn to trust that you aren't going to ruin her life as they put it. As at this age they are trying to establish their place in life. Yes it is a horrible age and it tends to make us feel useless. My older girls now tell me everything which is sometimes a bit harrowing. So don't stress it's a girl thing.

Answer 2

As far as getting her to cooperate with doing chores, bed times, etc. I will tell you what saved my sanity with my teen.

Even if it doesn't appear it on the surface, many issues with teens are "power struggles". They are growing into who they are and really resent "someone telling them what to do"! You can nag and nag and nag and it just fuels the power struggle. So take yourself out of the struggle.

An example: Calmly say to her "You need to clean your room today. If you clean your room, you will be able to go to the movies with your friend this afternoon (or play video games or whatever it is that they enjoy doing). If you do not clean your room you will not be able to do these things. The choice is yours, and so is the reward or consequence." Then totally leave it alone. Act as if it is absolutely of no consequence to you at all which she chooses. (even if inside you REALLY want her to do it). If she does not clean her room and complains that she can't do the activity she would like to do, just say "i'm sorry you made the choice to not clean your room and are unhappy about the consequence. Maybe next time you will make a different choice." It TOTALLY removes you from blame if you continue to remind her that it was HER choice. REMEMBER, no lectures, no additional punishments, stick to what you originally set as the consequence (and make sure it is reasonable BEFORE you state the consequence in the first place). This works WONDERS. It was difficult for me at the beginning, i wanted the chore done! I wanted to "save" my child from the disappointment a bad choice he might make, but it is SO worth it!

Also, it is certainly affecting her that you and her father are separated. No matter how careful you are and how much you try to protect her from the situation, it certainly has an impact on her. But she probably feels that telling you or her dad how she feels would only burden you more, when you have so much going on already (that was how I felt). Set her up with an opportunity to talk with an adult you trust. It doesn't have to be a counselor, an adult friend of the family taking her out for lunch or to the mall could give her the opportunity to share her feelings. Don't let them push her, that will be counter-productive. Just give the opportunity for her to talk if she chooses to.

Answer 3

What is the best way to deal with a 12 yr.old you, ask, that has an attitude? it is very hard to deal with a teen girl that is rebellious, at that age they think they know everything there is to know, and they also think that they know better then a Parent, so, they are not going to listen to reason. A girl no matter what age, will abide to her Mother, when they know that they are not being attacked, or when they think they are being, blamed for something they did not do. I passed through those yrs. with my five Daughters and the only way I did not loose my head was by being first of all, their friend, and telling them that if they had a problem they could not handle I was there for them and that I would not condemned, or reproached them for anything they might had done, but they had to hear my lecture if they wanted me to be there for them, and that above all else I loved all of them a lot and that no matter what, they will always have their Mother beside them in good or bad times. Now my Girls are married with families of their own, and they tell me that they are grateful for me being there for them, and that they are going to raise their Daughters the same way I did with them. So, do not despair, when your girl is older she is going to be grateful, for you being her Mom. Good Luck and I hope everything works out for the better between you and your Daughter.

Answer 4

Not an easy one for sure.

I think you're right in feeling that a combination of the separation and normal (almost) teenage angst are the culprits.

Try to hang back a bit. Don't push, but be there for her when she wants to talk. Let her know just that.

Try talking to her about how you're feeling about the separation. Just that you're feeling sad and confused (or whatever). Not in a way that she should feel compelled to solve your problems, a bad position to put her in, but so that you can become more of a team, and lay the groundwork for her being more comfortable talking about her feelings.

Do some fun mother-daughter things together, situations where things aren't so "heavy." Let her see you in a different light!

The discipline thing- cut her some slack, but don't let it go. Children need boundaries- no matter what the situation, her behavior should have consequences. It's one of the ways children know their parents care.

Good luck to you.

Answer 5

I'm pretty sure she is acting this way because of the split between you and your ex husband. Try to do lots of fun things together. Go see movies, plays. Show her just how much you love her and how much she means to you. Maybe it would be better for her to talk to someone else, like an aunt of cousin. And if that doesn't work a psychologist or family therapist.
Also make sure she knows that the reason you and your husband split has nothing to do with you.
Good luck!

Answer 6

Well I really think its the age, mY 13 year old started that crap at 12 and its still here yet even worse. I have put her in therepy maybe they can help. I guess what we need to remember is how we were . School sucks the kids r mean and your never happy with anythiing .I know your under alot of stress with your husband gone. I think you might forget that there dad is gone and it might not be all here I am sure most of it is. Sit down and explain to her that every one needs to work as one with there dad not being there. Also that you would like her to treat you a little better cuz its hard on you to.

Answer 7

It does getter better as they get older. My 17 old gave me hell when she was that age. at one time she didn't even talk to me for 3 weeks...it almost killed me. i would go in my room and cry over it. i just felt hopeless and felt like i was not a good mother. At the same time I would think about it then I would get angry. I would tell myself that I was the parent and I was not going to allow a 12 year old to run my life. it was like that for a little while but one day it all went away. You cant allow them to run all over you so you must continue to make them do their chores and things like that but you also give them space. At that age they are going through so much with their bodies changing, school, boys and friends. I am going through all this all over again with my second daughter. she is about to turn 13 and is all ready getting a little attitude with me. i do make sure i tell them that they can get attitudes with a lot of people but their mom is not one of them. What you might want to do is do a girls lunch date. Just you and her. maybe go shopping then go out for lunch and have a serious talk with her. Reassure her that you love her and that you will be there to talk to her if she needs you. don't push it just let her know that you are there for her when needed. GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 8

I think you're stressing out over normal 12 year-old stuff. Her "I suppose you're gonna tell me" come-back is probably more of a compliment thing. She was talking to you like you were one of her friends. A hard place to be with a 12 year-old girl. A place you should be honored that she is letting you into. Since you are divorced, she's probably wanting to "relate" to you more like a friend right now. Which is what she needs. We tend to treat our friends better than we treat our parents at this age. Remember, she's rapidly growing into young adulthood and needs your guidance, not criticism.

Answer 9

Only you can decide what you consider acceptable. Can she talk to you about her feelings about your seperation from her Dad? It must be very painful and confusing for a twelve year old. Perhaps you could think about really listening to her as well as talking to her. It's often not possible but if you and her Dad can show a united front when it comes to parenting with consistent rules and boundaries it makes things less confusing.

Answer 10

you may have to wait a few years
it gets better around 17-18
been through this with my kids
it just a stage they all go through
just talk to her tell how you feel and what you what her to do and expect of her
she will look like shes not listening but she is
it will work out don't worry