How do you love your stepkids when they're horrible children who lack discipline?

Question

My stepsons are 10 and 7 and really lack discipline. The younger son has been caught several times grabbing other kids' privates. He was premature and has also been diagnosed with ADHD, however my husband uses these things as excuses for his behavior and doesn't discipline him. The older son is a bully, both to the younger one and to both of my children who are similar ages. He is also very sneaky about his bad behavior and has been caught stealing. TWICE FROM THE CHURCH OFFERING!! We have them every other weekend and all summer long. He says he doesn't want to spend all his time with them disciplining. I have told him that if he deals with these issues when they come up, and sets rules for the boys, he won't have to spend all of his time disciplining. They'll learn that there are rules at our house and that things that are allowed at their mothers are not necessarily allowed at our house. This puts a HUGE strain on our marriage and makes it impossible to warm up to the boys.

Answer 1

Being a stepmother is not a role we are born knowing how to handle. I certainly don't always know how to deal with it. I have 3, 2 girls 13 and 10, and a boy who's 12. My problem in dealing with these kids, is that they have been raised one way by their mom and stepdad, and me and my husband don't agree with their way of raising children. I try to stay out of it, because I feel these kids upbringing needs to come from their biological parents, and also because I only see them every other weekend or so, and don't feel it is my place. Now that is not to say that I have never gotten onto one of them, because I have. It has usually been because I didn't think that my husband was handling a situation with them, and if he wasn't going to say something then I certainly was. I sometimes feel as you said, that he doesn't want to spend the time he has with them disciplining them.

It has also been difficult for me to warm up to my stepkids. In the beginning I really tried to, I took them places, bought them things, and tried to be a friend to them, but more and more, I was seeing how much they disrespected me, my biological kids, and my husband. I grew to discover that it was because of the things their mom and stepdad were teaching them: such as telling them to call my husband by his name and their stepdad "dad", telling them that their only parents were their mom and stepdad and that my husband had no authority over them, and critisizing every single thing about us. I have tried to keep in mind that these kids weren't born the way they are, that their mom has primary custody of them and therefore has them 80% of the time and she and her husband have been more of an influence over them than my husband has been. But it is hard for me to warm up to these kids when I hear them being disrespectful to my husband, treating him like he has no authority over them, and the fact that my stepson will steal anything that is not nailed down and never feel any remorse, doesn't help things either.


I would suggest sitting down with your husband and explaining the strain it is putting on your marriage when you and he are not on the same parenting track. I would also suggest having him, or both of you, sit down and speak to their mother. However, we have done that ourselves and it hasn't done any good to deal with their mother, as she is the one who has taught them these things.

Good luck, and be comforted to know that there are many other stepmoms in your same situation.

Answer 2

Definitely the parents' fault. Teachers at school are not parents and yet so many parents are lazy and expect the responsibility to fall on the kids' teachers. But teachers not paid to raise kids, they're paid to teach them. And they're very limited as to how they can handle bratty kids-- some parents think their kids should get to do whatever they want and then raise hell with the school board b/c their kid was given time out for being bad. It's just ridiculous. Parents are responsible for their children. If they honestly try their best and are doing a good job, yet the kids still refuse to behave, then it's probably safe to assume that the kid has problems of some sort that could be mental or emotional and are not directly linked to bad behavior.

Answer 3

I do not know if you have ever seen the show super Nany but it gives some wonderful ideas about parenting tips. One main one that we used before we even saw the show was time out, find a room in the house to put the child in when he/she is not listening, everytime the child acts out put the child in for 10 minutes. If the child resists, add on from there by 5's. Once the child realizes that they will be sitting there for quite a while and will not be able to play or watch tv or anything at all then they will feel sorry for what they did. Children only learn from experiences. Well goodluck with your search and if you havent already seen the show please do if you could.

Answer 4

Hey,
blame your husband and his ex-wife. Kids are only what they are raised into, and this isn't anything new.
The first step in loving them is to stop judging them as horrible people, and start seeing them as desperate children who need help. You wouldn't hate a homeless man for being hungry, would you? Why would you hate these two children, who are emotionally and spiritually starved by their parents for behaving the way they do?

If you know that they are going to have issues, then you need to watch them every second and retrain them. If they stole from the offering plate once, the someone should be watching them every time the plate goes around to tell them BEFORE it happens that it's not acceptable. If the youngest is grabbing children inappropriately, then you should be right there when he's playing to say "Oh, we don't touch other people. Lets play like this." If dh won't do it, then you'll KINDLY need to step in, you married into this, it's now your job.

You might also look into your local parent action center. Some training into some effective parenting techniques for kids with adhd might be helpful. Is he getting help through the school? They should be doing behavioral interventions, etc, even throughout the summer. The older one might need help as well, adhd is often genetic, and it's probably he has psychological issues. Do you have a regular psych who is seeing these kids? If not you might do that asap.

Answer 5

Been there- But remember, try to work all on same page.
Treat them the same way you would want to be treated.
Step kids are not. Each day should be a new day to start fresh, try not to rehash the past. Never, ever talk to your husband about them in front of them. (So they can't play one another parent off)
Have family meeting at home, no friends, no TV on Turn off phone while in meeting.
You are the adult, they are the child, never turn those tables around. Stick to the plan, no if buts are only this one time.
ALL OF YOU, give rewards when needed, love, guidance's and grounding when needed.
No fighting, yelling, take something that reaches home to them (meaning toy, time with friends, phone, TV. BUT NEVER Take visits from other parent /s away).

My I sugest something?- One day each month have a family fun night!
Put all family suggests into a bowl, then choose a slip that saids what you will do that night.
Let one child make dinner at thier liking, call it their dinner. (meaning- Tom's sub. sandwich)
And last just hang in there, believe it or not- They need you as much as you love their dad/ husband.
You will see in time, as I did and when you lest expect it.
Their is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow in waiting for you. You just need to clear the rain clouds to find it.
Good luck my heart goes out to you as well as those children.

PS. It's not really about you or so much what their doing, it's about maddest, hate and feeling left out. In their heart and not by something you did or said.
Make your house a home, your family a team!
Look more on to it as team work, less about his, mine and more along the lines of ours.
A package deal, not ever about the bag and the bagage.
Only my experience on this same question. (I maybe am wrong but 50% sure I'm right)

When the tuff get ruff , The ruff get tougher

Answer 6

You don't have to love them, but you should try to accept them, because they are your husbands children and you did marry him for better or for worse and when you met him he was a package just as you were.

Because these children are not with you the majority of the time, their behavior will not be consistent. Also, their behavior might also be reflecting the changes they are going through in their lives as well. They are rebelling towards the changes maybe towards you and your children as well.

I'm sure you are good to them and you are trying to offer them stability and consistency, but I dont doubt that you are giving them a vibe that is undeniable, and that is that you do not like them or accept them. They feel this.

Try spending some time with them, one on one or with the two of them alone. Go on an outing just you and the two boys. You could use some bonding time with them and maybe get to know them away from situations.

Good luck!

signed,

a fellow mommy of one and stepmommy of four!

Answer 7

You knew this man had kids before you married him. And you probably knew how the kids acted before you married this man. Really I don't blame him .. If I only had my kids every other weekend I wouldn't want to spend the whole time getting them into trouble.. You knew what you were signing up or when you married this man.

Maybe have him a sit down talk with the boys .... WITHOUT you. Probably to them you are just some lady that is the reason their dad and mother aren't together.

Answer 8

Have you ever watched "Nanny 911" The most important thing for them (the children), that you love them, consistent with them, and set boundaries.
I would also recommend that you contact their school's councilor and try to make a "team" effort w/the school & the family they live w/at other times.

Answer 9

WHEW. I THOUGHT I WAS READING ABOUT MY OWN SITUATION THERE FOR A MINUTE!!! I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 4 YEARS NOW, BUT WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR ALMOST 7. AND I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT I WON'T EVER LOVE HIS DAUGHTER. I JUST CAN'T. WE GO THROUGH SOME OF THE SAME STUFF YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT (BUT SHE'S NOT REALLY WHAT YOU WOULD CALL "BAD".) SHE'S JUST LAZY AND THINKS THAT THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND HER. SHE BLAMES EVERYTHING ON HER SISTERS. NOTHING IS EVER HER FAULT. (I HAVE ONE DAUGHTER, HE HAS HER, AND THEN WE HAVE ONE TOGETHER).

I AM RAISING MY GIRLS TO BE SELF-SUFFICIENT AND INDEPENDENT. THEY ARE NOT "PETTED AND STALL-FED". I DON'T EXPECT ANY MORE OUT OF HER THAN I DO MY OWN GIRLS.......BUT I'M NOT TAKING ANY LESS EITHER!!

I AM THE DISCIPLINARIAN AROUND MY HOUSE TOO. JUST BECAUSE SHE COMES TO OUR HOUSE EVERY OTHER WEEKEND AND BLESSES US WITH HER PRESENCE DOESN'T MEAN THAT A CELEBRATION IS IN ORDER. SHE WILL ABIDE BY MY RULES AND SHOW SOME RESPECT...OR SHE WON'T COME. PERIOD.

MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE FOUGHT ABOUT THIS FOREVER. AND I GUESS WE ALWAYS WILL.


....SEND ME A MESSAGE IF YOU WANT TO CHAT AND VENT A BIT....

Answer 10

Well that's the thing... You don't have to love them. I feel that many step parents feel that they have to treat all the kids equally. (I know this is a side bar) But, your kids should always come first. Because long after your current wife leaves you, cheats on you and/or bankrupts you, your kids will be there. I

But I digress, I say you smack the hell out of them. And as soon as they are old enough kick them out of the house. Or give mom an ultimatum. You or the kids. You will find that most women are selfish enough to choose what's best for them, which would be you. Give it a shot.