Do you think a woman who doesn’t want children and isn’t maternal can be a good mom?

Question

My friend is married and became pregnant on accident. She has never wanted children and doesn’t understand why people like babies and kids. She has admitted she is not motherly at all and is selfish.

She feels when the baby is born that she won’t have motherly instincts and won’t love it as much as a good mom would. This isn’t her being afraid of being a mom, so I am not sure if she will feel differently when the baby is born.

Do you think a woman who doesn’t want children and isn’t maternal can be a good mom?

Do you think a woman can give birth and still not love her child as a mother should?

Answer 1

Personally, I hate kids. Never wanted any. My son drives me CRAZY and I am more than willing to hand him over to grandparents, great aunts, or whoever will take him from me.

However, I am a good mother. Or a pretty good one. He has a nice house, is well fed, is clean, healthy, and well cared for. I read to him and play games with him and all that jazz. He is taken care of better then many people I know who wanted to have their kids.

BUT, all that being said, even after several years now, I would let my son go (to his grandma, aunt, cousin) if they wanted him. Its not that I don't love him, but no, I don't think I love him like mother's who like kids do. I would be thrilled to get my life back and be able to go on with what I wanted to do before I had a kid.

So yes, I think you can still be a good mother, but no, there is no magical gene that kicks in and turns someone who doesn't like kids into supermom either.

Answer 2

I had told everyone I had ever met that I was never going to be a Mom. I didn't like my younger brother and I hated being around kids. I never played with dolls and couldn't stand babies. Then one day I found out I was pregnant. I was scared, didn't know what to do, would I still feel this way when my child was born? My hubby was the one who was all excited & doing all the planning, I was just going along for the ride...still harboring alot of uneasiness about everything.
As the 9 months went along I was torn, I wanted to be excited & have that "glow" but it just wasn't happening. Then he was born...

I can only tell you that I for the first time in my life I fell in love at first sight. That little kid is my sun, moon & stars and I cannot imagine a day without him. I still don't like other kids & have a tough time interacting with them but when it is my child I have no problem. Strange but true.
Your friend may change once the baby is born. If not I highly recommend that she give the child up for adoption so it can be raised in a loving enviroment. Tell her to relax & let her know that she isn't the first one out there who has felt this way.
Good luck!!

Answer 3

Yes and yes. It is possible she could go thru the pregnancy with many doubts and as soon as the baby comes out she falls hopelessly in love and steps right up to the plate. It is also possible that she'll have some post-partum depression and take more time bonding with the baby which will grow into love. I've never heard of a mom giving birth and not loving the baby but there are some women that just don't know what to do with a baby and take some time to figure it out.

Answer 4

Yes she can still love her baby and be a good Mum.
My Mum completely denied being pregnant the entire time she was pregnant with me. She hated (still does) kids and didnt have a maternal bone in her body.
But once I was born she couldnt really deny the fact anymore and loved me and was and still is a great Mum. She went on to have two more children.
Her mothering instincts kicked in and she was fine.
She still hates other peoples kids but loves us and is a great Mum and now a Nan.
The funniest part is that because she hates kids, kids LOVE her.

Answer 5

I do think that someone who doesnt want children and feels they are missing that maternal insinct can be a good mother. I think it is possible for a persons heart and attitude to change as soon as they see the baby. But I also think that not everyone is neccessarily meant to be a parent just like not everyone is meant to be married. Dont get me wrong though I do think that your friend will love this baby and you never know may be more protective of it then anyone realized. But try not to be judgemental if she doesnt change, its not for everyone.

Answer 6

ANYone can be a good mom, as long as they want to be.

I don't want kids, don't really like other people's children, and have no idea what to do with babies. But people always point out to be just how good I am with my dog (training, discipline, nuturing, etc.) and I'm sure if I had to be, I'd be a good mom.

Anything is possible. She may have the child and just not bond with it. If that's the case, then she should consider adopting the child to someone who isn't able to have kids.

Answer 7

My best friend was 17 when she got pregnant, had always hated kids and babies, was not motherly or responsible AT ALL...but when she had the baby, she fell in love with her. She still doesn't like other kids, but she loves her own and is a great, responsible, loving mom.

Answer 8

I think that a woman can definitely give birth and not feel maternal love for the baby.

She may change though, many people have had children and done a 180 as far as how they live their life....and even have more children, on purpose!

There's hope for her, I'm going to keep my fingers crossed.

Answer 9

Your friends and I can relate. I still have no ULTRA maternal feeling and its been three years! I never wanted kids either, had no desire, but **** happens. Yes your friend can be a good mom, I am. There are times you hate it and times you love it. In the first 2 weeks of his birth is what weird I didnt have that bond like feeling, more like...is he 18 yet?
Its weird I guess when I see a new mom and she is all goo-goo and crap, but watever,my kid loves me and I love him and we are a team.

Answer 10

its like you said, she will probably feel different once the baby is born. i don't think she won't be a good mother. a part of me is scared to have kids because i think i might "mess up", but thats a very small part. everything is new when someone has a baby and you have to learn to take care of him/her when they get here like everyone else. it may be a little more difficult for her (especially at first) since she doesn't like kids, but i'm sure she will feel differently about her own.