What to do about my three year old son?

Question

My son was bitten yesterday at a day care centre. The child who did this has bruised my sons arm with the force that was used. I know things like this cant be completely stopped which i accept, i also was told by the staff the child was told off and that the parents would be informed of their bad behaviour, but when i got home i asked my son who had bit him and he refuses to tell me saying " i cant tell you mummy" its really doing my head in as it feels that my son cant trust me, i even tried to get him to whisper in my ear. am i wrong in thinking that if my child wont tell me this that he will hold back on telling me more serious stuff that has happend to him? Have the day care staff got a right to tell him not to say anything?

Answer 1

This is terrible. I think you should say to your little boy, if you don't tell mummy who is hurting you I can't stop it. Therefore I won't let you go there anymore. Tell me who did it or you can't go anymore. There should be no secrets between a child and their family and this should be stopped immediately at the day care centre. I'd make an appointment and talk to the manager and tell them that you will be taking this further if this policy is not changed.

Answer 2

As a former day care teacher, it is required for both parents to be notified. However, we never told a child they could not tell their parents. As a teacher we could not disclose the information but your child can. I'm not quite sure why your son won't tell you. I'm sure if you get him in a comfy situation and not pressuring him to tell you, he eventually will. He may not be telling you because may be he knows he might have did something to provoke it. i.e. hitting, kicking etc. and feels guilty. Try not to worry to much, if it happens again, then you have the right to get upset because a bitter doesn't always target the same child and if it does happen again you can ask if it was the same child they have to tell you that much. Then I would consider asking for switching classrooms, or taking him to another day care.

By the way, if your child had bruising around it, did the center staff put ice on it right away? If they did bruising should be mild. Did they give you an accident form to sign? That form should indicate what kind of treatment was done to take care of your son after it happened. How many children are in that room at a time and how many teachers? For a 3 year old classroom there should be no more than 12 children to 1 teacher, especially if they are young 3's.

Good Luck

Answer 3

I don't believe the day care people would have said to your son not to tell - having 3 children myself it is perfectly normal for them to not want to tell you who did such and such. Maybe they just don't want to go back down that road and relive it all.
By saying 'I can't tell you' I would be willing to read it as 'I don't want to tell you'. At 3 he is still very young and perhaps, as most children of that age, still gets the meaning of words confused even though the words are used in earnest.
This isn't a sign that he will hold back on the big, important things that you really will need to know about. Believe me - as they get older then you will hear about every slightest thing that happens - and to the other children too!
The staff have dealt with it and them keeping the identity of the culprit from you will just be policy as I am sure there will have been some incident from the past that a child has been more than rebuked by an irate parent. Everything has red tape around it nowadays!
The staff will be keeping a close eye on the culprit and hopefully be able to intevent sooner in the future to prevent another similar incident.

Answer 4

Yeah this happens with kids, one of my sons was bitten THROUGH JEANS and you could see the teeth marks, the child that did it lives just up the road and is ( 6 years later) one of the sweetest boys you could meet. At the time the pre school leader talked to both myself and his parent together. She was so upset that I ended up comforting her. Don't force the issue with your son, it will just make him more unsettled, hopefully your day care centre staff will very vigilant now, and if more serious stuff was happening you know that your son would not be happy when you leave him.

Answer 5

The daycare staff shouldn't be telling him not to tell you things but have you thought that it may be the child that is bullying him that is telling him not to say anything. Have you tried asking him why he can't tell you rather than asking him what's happened, he's only 3 and maybe if you approach it this way you can get to the bottom of it. Say to him that he doesn't have to tell you what happened or who did it but can he tell you what he's afraid will happen if he does tell, if you can reassure him that whatever he's afraid of will not happen, then he may feel brave enough to open up. For example, if some horrible child is telling him that his mum will die if he tells (and trust me, I've heard of this happening) and you can explain calmly how this won't happen then he may feel able to tell you. Good luck. And keep on to the daycare staff, if nothing changes, talk with your feet and take him away, if enough parents do this then they will have to change their policy.

Answer 6

I don't think the daycare staff told him not to tell you. Usually, children don't tell their parents things for fear of punishment--if you are the disciplinarian in your household, your son might be less likely to tell you things.

I wouldn't threaten your child, either; instead, try a guessing game. He doesn't have to say anything, just shake his head "yes" or "no" while you rattle off the names of the kids in his preschool class.

As for the other party, there isn't much you can do except hope that his parents are as concerned with the behavior as you are. If it happens again, then you'll have cause for a grievance against them. For now, though, your son should be your priority; make sure he knows that he's not in trouble and you are not upset with him.

Answer 7

I doubt if the day care staff have told him not to tell you. Have you asked your son why he can't tell you? It could just be that he doesn't want to tell you because he doesn't want to. Every day i ask my 3 year old "what did you do at school today?" and every day he says "tut muuuum i didn't do anything" when i say well you must have done something he just says well i didnt okay. Kids!!! i wouldn't worry about it if it happens again tell the staff at the nursery you want to know who bit him and you want to talk to this childs parents.

Answer 8

Have you non-challantly asked him WHY he feels he can't tell you? Maybe the answer to that could shed some light on the problem ...
Do the bruises correspond with the bite: size & shape of a Child's Mouth? Teeth Marks? Or just a bruise?

If it doesn't seem to correspond with the bitemarks of a child-sized mouth in all respects, you might want to speak with the child welfare department. In that case it might be that it wasn't really a child who bruised him ...

In that case, you might lwant to read:

Protect Your Children!
- Your Child Is in Danger!
- How Can We Protect Our Children?
- Prevention in the Home
- Common Misconceptions
- If Your Child Is Abused
http://watchtower.org/library/g/1993/10/8a/article_01.htm

Answer 9

They do NOT have the right to keep from you the name of the child who bit your son. It's assault and you can call the police and file a complaint if they refuse to tell you. Someone scared your son into keeping this secret and I don't know a single 3yo who has the mental capacity to force another child to keep a secret from his mommy. So that leaves only the day care workers, what did they do to your son to scare him enough not to tell you? I would seriously consider wether this is a safe place to leave your little boy.

When my older children were in day care and they were hurt, I was given a sheet of paper with the COMPLETE details of what happened and who was involved. What was done and why they felt it was ok not to call me as soon as it happened.

If I were you I would go back and demand answers.

Good luck, I hope your son heals quickly.

Answer 10

Hi my daughter was bitten by another child whilst in nursery - i was called in and told and also told the parents of the child who had bitten my daughter would be informed but i wasnt told the childs name - fortunately the parents of the child who bit my daughter came onto me and apologised and also the child was made to apologise to my daughter in front of me and her parents - i was lucky and unfortunately this has not happened since - its a fact of life children bite - but i think its wrong to tell your child what he can and cant tell you - as you say you dont know what else he might not be telling you - i would speak to the manager of the day care centre and express your concern - you dont want it happening to another child