Who wants ten points???????

Question

I have seen a lot of funny jokes on here but you have to pay points to tell these chesnuts, 10 points for best joke (no ones that are already on here)

Answer 1

Tickle These, Elmo
A blonde desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory.
The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The blonde answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The blonde happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the blonde just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the blonde just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

Answer 2

what kind of woman knos where her husband is at all time?


Ans: Widow

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why do blondes always smile when there is lightnin?


Ans: coz they think that they r being fotographed!
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1 unemployed person go n ask for a job at a hotel...the manager told him " I am sry... all places r full except one place...do u wanna be a cleaner, a toilet cleaner?"
the guy is desperate, he says yes, so the manager ask him if he needs anything, n he asks for a cassette player..n the manager agreed....
1st day on work....he brought some cassettes n play'em n starts cleaning....SUDDENLY, the prime minister came into the toilet..so the guy plays "Goose Lake"(i dont remember the name exactly..sry)...when the prime minister finishes his business, he gives the guy tips....
2nd day on work......while he is cleaning, the senior general came in, then the guy plays a classical song...then when the general comes out, he promises the guy that he'll tell the manager to promote the guy
as far as i tell, the prime minister n the general are pleased, u see...
then the 3rd day, the President came into the toilet, the guy, of coz, is happy that he got a great opportunity then he plays the national anthem, after 10 minutes.....
1) the guy is waitin outside with a happy face
2) the president came outta the toilet
then with furious anger n red eyes, he told the guy that today is the last day he's workin.....he is astonished, n asked why?
the President says,
"THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE THAT I SH*T WHILE I AM STANDING" lol
(actually this is a funny joke but my writin skills are not good, sry bout dat)

Answer 3

a bloke meets a girl at a party and they get on really well and arrange to go out on a date in 4 weeks.the bloke knows he has a small penis so makes an appointment to get it enlarged.
when the bloke goes for the op the surgeon says he,s run out of 10-12-14 inch ones and all he has left is a small baby elephants trunk.
the bloke feeling under pressure as the date is only 3 weeks away agrees and has the transplant.the 3 weeks pass and it heals well so the bloke feels great on the night of the date meets the girl and takes her to a resturant for a romantic meal.
the waiter comes around takes the order for drinks, the starter,and the main coarse.
the drinks arrive and the couple now talk and drink and the waiter returns with the soup and 4 bread rolls.
the next thing is the blokes fly undoes and his new penis reaches across the table and takes roll and disappears.
the girl looking very impressed looks into his waterfilled eyes and thinks he,s feeling romance says can i see that again
he replied no its not that, i don't think my bum can take another roll

Answer 4

Vegetarian Hippie Emo Tree Hugger.

Answer 5

Chestnuts?

The husband of a newlywed couple is trying to figure out what to get his wife for Xmas. Jewelry, cd's, clothes it's all the same thinks the husband, too boring. So he decides to get her a pet.

He goes to the nearest pet store but doesen't know what he's really looking for. Dogs, cats, hamsters etc.. Just not we he thinks his wife would like. While he continues to shop around he could hear someone singing Xmas carols toward the back of the store. He finally gets curious and decides to see who is singing. He sees know one, but a cute little bird.

It turns out that the bird was the one singing. He immediatley calls the clerk over and says " I got to have this bird". The clerk says no problem and decides to show the man a little trick with the bird. " If you hold a lit match underneath the right wing the bird will sing Jingle Bells ", says the clerk. " And if you hold a lit match underneath the leftwing the bird will sing Silent Night." The man, so excited, pays the clerk grabs the bird and rushes home.

He calls to his wife and tells her that her gift can't wait until christmas. The husband shows her the bird and she is excited and kisses her husband. "

Thanks honey, it's the cutest thing I've ever seen", says the wife " will name it Chest after Chester your uncle. " That's not all dear watch this" says the husband. The husband lights a match and places it under the right wing. The bird starts to sing Jingle bells. Then under the left wing the bird sings Silent Night.

The Newlyweds were so excited that when they went to hug the husband dropped the still lit match underneath the bird. All of a sudden they heard "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire"

Answer 6

Hi there John a, Hope you like this one! :o)

A man who had been dating his girlfriend for quite a while, was finally invited to go to her house and meet her parents. On his way to the meeting, the man realised that he was suffering really bad with chronic wind. On his arrival, he was ushered into the lounge and introduced to the girls mother, who was sat on the sofa. Then he was offered a seat next to her father who was sat in a chair whereby the family dog, Bruno, was sat close by to him. Only minutes into the meeting, the man felt his stomach rumble, and realised that he was going to fart. The inevitable happened and he let out a really loud and smelly one. He was feeling mortified, when the father shouted: "Bruno! Get away from that man!" The man was relieved and carried on with the evening. A while later, the man felt the familiar rumbling in his stomach, and out came another loud and smelly one. Once again, the father yelled: "Bruno! Get away from that man!" And once again, the man felt a comfort in his reprieve. After about an hour, the man felt the all too familiar pain in his gut that was to present the loudest and smelliest fart imaginable! By this time, the father had lost his patience, whereby he shouted: "Bruno! Get away from that man before he Sh*ts all over you! :o)

Answer 7

Australian Approach

A young Australian went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked
"Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked
"OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales
people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£124,237.64."

The manager choked and exclaimed "124,237.64 POUNDS"
What the hell did you sell him?" "
Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I
sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I
told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold
him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,
so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me.... a guy came in here to
buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?
"No no no...... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend
and I said......... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered
you might as well go fishing."

Answer 8

An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout. "Yumti-Bi," he said, "you must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."

Yumti-Bi lay down and put his ear to the ground..."Large Heap - war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black horses, two on white stallions. All have war paint...many guns. Medicine man also with them."

"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground???"

"No, General," replied the Indian, "I can see under the gate..."

Answer 9

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing".
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops." WHACK!!
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

" Don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops!!!!!

Answer 10

A pilot, a movie star, the pope, a brunette, and a blonde are on a plane. The plane is going down fast, but they only have 4 parachutes. The pilot jumps off, the movie star jumps off, and the blonde jumps off. Thinking there is only one more parachute left the pope tells the brunette to jump. She then says no we can both go the blonde took my backpack. lol