I wrote this for a girl a while back. she tore my heart in two, but i guess thats life, right. Oh well. I'm going to post this on my poetry blog but i need to know if it's good enough yet. If you want to see some of my poetry, check out my blog at www.myspace.com/curiouscesar
I'll be posting more later this week for those who want to read more.
Thanks, Cesar
There are things that live inside of me,
that make me hide my thoughts.
They darken my interior
with things that were once lost.
Things that you dont even know,
these things are hard to explain.
In short they never wanted me,
They remind me every day.
My life has been a vicious battle
full of sorrow, defeat and pain.
But then you came into my life,
i knew my life was bound to change.
So now I'm stuck with hiding this,
this feeling that burns so much.
I wish that I could tell you that
I'm missin you my love.
I really want to be with you ,
enjoy your sweet caress.
To hold you in my loving arms,
Be rid of all this loneliness.
Then gaze into those gleaming eyes,
They're sparkling green abyss.
And then I'll hold you, pull you close,
And taste your lips. My first true kiss.
But this, my one and only wish
i have to hide from you.
I'm just afraid that you might say
I'm not the one for you.
But hopefully you'll read this note
and maybe understand me.
I just hope that its not too late.
I hope your not mad at me.
And someday you may realize
that what I feel is real.
And that I'll love you so much more
than the rabbi's son ever will.
I love you.
And thats as real as it gets.
2007-02-22 02:48:49 · 10 answers · asked by greatpharohcesar 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Hey Cesar! I think you are a great talent indeed
(I'm starring your question to get you some more exposure! We poets can use all the help we can get!)
The way it is, she will definately understand that you have deep emotions for her and that you put time and effort into the words you wrote.....however, for maximum impact you might want to make it a little more fluid in a couple areas....
The second verse is a little confusing....I didn't understand who the "they" was in that verse....
Over all, I think you did a fantastic job, but you might just need to re-arrange the order of your verses.....
LEt her know immediately in the poem that you are expressing your hidden thoght because you have something to share with her.....that way she won't rush though it, but rather, savor it.
Great Job, keep it up!
2007-02-22 03:03:30 · answer #1 · answered by brookebjpl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Nice Poem, very heartfelt. Well the only constructive criticism I can offer is that it almost lets us know the story, but not quite. Hope that doesn't sound rude I liked it a lot , just found myself asking questions like Did she ever know he loved her , why did she leave , did he not tell her his feelings and she moved on ....
and just so you get a chance to fire back , here is one of mine
New Acquaintances
The day that you left me,
I felt so all alone.
But quickly new Acquaintances,
made their presence known.
Pain, he came into my heart
promising to stay
I've felt his aching presence
each and every day.
Grief also came to me
he lingers in my eyes
his tears fall for all to see
him I can't disguise
Torture and Torment
brothers that joined the team
they went deep inside my soul
where they can be unseen
The day that you left me
you left me not alone
but you took Joy and Happiness
the others took their home.
2007-02-22 03:04:15 · answer #2 · answered by EGOman 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The poem is a beautiful collection of thoughts and images. If you hate reading them, mon ami, you may want to examine why this is. Is it boring? Then you are obviously not making the connections to the poem. If you do love writing them, then take that goodness from your poems and use it to read a poem -- like lenses of a spectacle.
2016-05-23 23:00:19 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Thumbs up
2007-02-22 02:54:16 · answer #4 · answered by gitsliveon24 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I love it. And I think it is great that you feel that way about another. It is so hard these days to find true love. And I wish you all the best in finding yours.
2007-02-22 02:55:24 · answer #5 · answered by maxine 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your poem was sooooo sweet.Just the thought of writing a poem for her should have made her happy.I know I would be!
2007-02-22 02:58:37 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's very creative!!! If I were you, I would try to make it rhyme more, but other than that, it's very beautiful. I'd love for someone to write me something like that.
2007-02-22 02:54:40 · answer #7 · answered by SOS 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is very good poem...u could win some money.
http://www.poetry.com
2007-02-22 02:57:01 · answer #8 · answered by sunflare63 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW...very good.I write poems myself but this hun is something!!keep it going..
2007-02-22 02:54:45 · answer #9 · answered by Gõlden angel 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
nice... i like it
2007-02-22 03:00:25 · answer #10 · answered by Emily 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋