my bf's little sister is so clingy to him. she is really jealous of our relationship + hates me. wat2do?

Question

Ok basically ive been going out with my BF for about 2 (lived together for 4 months prior- we met as roomates) months now and we have a great relationship. We see eye to eye on everything; he is very charming, compassionate, funny and all around nice guy- I really see this going somewhere. However, He has a little sister (5yrs younger, hes 22). Hes from Sweden and she moved here about 2 weeks ago to stay with us and well, it's a pain in the ***. They are very close and he babies her alot. She is very clingy and is very affectionate like lots of hugging and joking. She outright ignores me sometimes and adds in these little passive-aggressive critisms of me, like when I cooked dinner last night, she went "Oh it's good, but it could have used alittle more oregano. I think.. Just saying!" Ugh.. its driving me nuts! If we stay out alittle late the night before she always has to go "Oh where were you guys las tnight?" plus she talks in Swedish to my BF right infront of me all the time!

Worst my BF is totally obvlious to all this and thinks IM the jealous one. Growing up they were extremely close and when he left Sweden, she was really devestated (he was like her bestfriend). He was also the only male figure she could look up to since their father died when they were young. So how do I solve this problem? Thanks!

Answer 1

I don't think that you can actually solve it - just let time do the job. I understand that it's not easy for you, but at least you have found someone who is precious to you. This girl, not much more than a child, has lost someone that is precious to her - or at least, that is what she fears that has happened. Since she experienced such a terrible loss already when her father died, she is probably much more fearful and apprehensive of losses than a girl with a happier background would be. Whatever you do, don't talk ill about her to your boyfriend. Like you say, he is extremely protective of her, and that is not strange in his double role of big brother and substitute father. If you try to make him choose between her sister and you he will choose his sister, so don't do anything that rash. The girl has only been there two weeks. Have patience with her, try to understand where she is coming from (and from what you write I already think that you do understand, you're only too angry and hurt to take it in). Try to include her as much as possible. Let them speak Swedish with each other. One's language is so tied up with one's identity and relations. Her only home right now is her brother and her language, so she will need it until she has got a new foothold on reality and feels more secure about her own identity. But if you feel too badly excluded when they talk to each other, tell them both that this is exactly what you do feel - alone and excluded when you don't understand what they say. Don't tell them what THEY should or shouldn't do - tell them how YOU feel. That will appeal to their sense of empathy and fairness.
- In time she will relax, and understand that you are not a threat to her relationship with her brother - and you will relax and understand that she is not a threat to your relationship with your boyfriend. Right now I think that both of you are jealous and touchy, but that is so natural. Time will heal that. Take the childish "oregano remarks" for what they are - just ignore them. She is NOT saying "I don't like you!" to you - she is saying "Don't leave me!" to her brother. Maybe you could do little things together, only you and her - simple things like go out shopping. Also, when the girl has found new friends of her own she will be less dependent on her brother, and less wary of you.