how do i tell my son ?

Question

My son who is 15 has only meet his real dad once. we split before he was born and his dad went on to meet someone else who is now his wife and they had two kids but he has not told his wife he has another child and is scared she will find out even though he meet her after we had split, i rang him 3 years ago and said our son wants to see you so he can at least know what you look like and he agreed even though he made his visit short and sweet then disappeared again. but now my son has reached 15 he is asking again but this time wants to spend time with his dad even though his step dad of 11 years has been great with him but my son says he needs to find out about the other half of him
He says he loves me and his step dad more then anything but feels there is something missing and needs to find out for himself. but when i bumped into his real dad and mentioned this he just shock his head and walked off how am i going to tell my son that his dad don,t want to know ?

my son does know where his father lives and i,m worried he might just go and knock on his door then what effect that will have on his sisters that he has never meet only god knows

his wife will take it out on my son she is like that i think thats why he has never told her

Answer 1

his father is oviously scared of the other woman leaving him and doesnt want to ruin things with her
as for telling your son be very careful when you do this as he is 15 and hormonal
if you just say to him your dad doesnt want to know then he could end up thinking and feeling that its to do with him
and his confidence and self worth may be affected and he might end up asking his self whats wrong with him.
but i think if you explain that his wife doesnt no yet so he just want to find the right time to tell her b4 he spends any time with you, it might soften the blow.
and he might be more understanding of that.
also ask him how important is his to him to have his real dad around.
and what he want out of seeing his dad.
in the mean time i would try and get in contact with his dad and explain that your son is adament about meeting hima nd finding out what his dad is like and tell him your sons not guna give up he wants to know things.
also tell him the true will come out in the end your son could even find out where his dad lives and just end up going round there,
but the most important thing you and his step dad must show that your there for him and give him lots of support for when the truth comes out.
your son may loose his real dad or his dad could loose his other family

good luck to you and your son
and i hope it all works out for the best x

Answer 2

That is really difficult for you and for your son. I would put off telling him as long as you can. Meanwhile try to talk his Dad into it and try talking him out of it! Hopefully one of them will give in! 'Who knows which one or what way will it go. Only God knows. In fact - pray about it. God is in control and whatever will happen will happen.

But try not to worry about it also - because this will make your son feel worse and it will affect him more. He needs you right now more than ever and it is a hard time when you are a teenager.

Even if your son does get the impression that his Dad isnt interested - it is best that this information doesnt come from you. He will handle it better if he realises it for himself. Just be there for him when and if he does find out. The best ever thing to do is LISTEN to him. Just listen and support him. Thats all you can do. And just being there for him will make the world of difference.

Also get out and have some fun with your son. Some physical activity together can be great "therapy" too.

Pray for the best for you both
xoxo

Answer 3

It is not for you to make any decisions for your son. I am sure that unconsiously, or consiously you are giving bad vibes to him about his biological dad.

You ex is in a very uncomfortable position. I don't feel sorry for him as he himself caused the circumstances. However, when you did meet him he was caught off guard, and it is possible that is why he just walked off.

Setting aside the fact that your ex showed extremely poor judgement that caused this whole situation. Obviously he was much younger then and not mature and did a horrible thing to you, and his son.

There is the philosophy that some people bring out the ''best or the worst' in others. In other words, the two of you were obviously not compatible. It does not mean that you, or he were at fault. The fact that his father is married to the same women for over 15 years, and they have a family together does show that your ex has matured, there is a possibility that there are good qualities to be learned by your son regarding his father which will be to your sons benefit emotionally and mentally.

I feel it is imperative for your son to get to know his father, and come to his own conclusions. If you really love your son as you say you do, then you should put your feelings aside. Do not tell him about the accidental meeting of your ex. Just give your son his fathers phone number. Make him feel secure that it is o.k. with you for him to seek out his father, so that he will not have guilt feelings when doing so. He will then be able to judge his father without any preconceived notions one way or the other, and it will enable him to see his father for who he really is today.

If you don't do this your son eventuallly will do this on his own when he is older. Depending on what he finds out about his father when he gets older, especially if he does have a positive attitude and judges him favorably then he will hold it against you for not allowing him to find out all thes years.

Again it is for your sons best interests, emotionally, and mentally to get to know his father. He is the only one that is IMPORTANT now. It is not about YOU, or any one else. IT IS ONLY ABOUT YOUR SON.

I know all this as I was married 20 years to a man who I left. We had 7 boys, and the youngest was 10 months old. His father never wanted to have anything to do with the youngest. He also did not support them. I raised them by myself. When the 10 month old was 13 years of age he did call his father. They developed a relationship, it is not a close one but at least he has benefited from the fact that his father is not a mystery. The unkown is a very frightening thing.

I hope you take my advice, you cannot lose anything from it, and you have all to gain. You son will feel at peace one way or the other.

Answer 4

Who's the child here?

I take it his real father never supported his son financially, since his wife is unaware of your sons existence.

If I were you I'd sit down with your son and explain the whole situation to him (as you have above) and just let him know that you and his stepdad are always there for him.

He needs to know that his dad has put himself in a ridiculous situation by not telling his wife about him - like you said you had split before they met.

He may be angry to start with but he is old enough to be given all the facts and it shows him that you care enough to be honest with him. I would not give your son his dads details though as this could cause real problems for you all, but maybe when he is older maybe 18 and if he still wants to know.

Answer 5

Your son is 15 years old. Be honest with him. Tell him about bumping into his real dad and mention how he reacted when informed his son wants to see him. Then if your son still wants to contact his biological father (Doesn't sound like you can call him a "real dad"), let your son contact him. He is old enough to deal with the consequences that accompany such a situation. Just be there for your son should his biological father rejects him. Good luck *smiles*

Answer 6

I think you have been very clear in your telling of your dilema.

My feeling is that you and your son may be best served by just
telling him as you have us above.

You do not say if there is a possibility for your son to attempt
contact in his own right, if this were possible maybe it could
help him come to terms with how it is .. this may be something
your son will need to try ..this of course done with all the support
you can give him during it and after.

.

Answer 7

u gonna have to tell him as he needs to know.
i dont know why his real dad is afraid (or acting like it) to tell his wife when all this happened before he met and married her. makes u wonder what he's told her about his past and also what hold the wife has on him. interesting.
anyway, if real dad doesn't want to spend time with ur son, u can't make him. help ur son to understand this and hopefully, his step dad can be there for him to make sure he doesn't feel unwanted.

Answer 8

you have 2 choices here both hard tell him what his dad is like it must be so hard telling your son hes not wanted one am dreading as am in a similar situation but have a few years yet before i have to tackle that one,but he might think your lien to keep him away so the other option is get your son to find out for his self this will hurt him but at least he wont hate you and you will get to comfort him tell him where to find you ex stuff his wife finding out that's there problem your son needs to find out while hes young enough to move on good luck

Answer 9

i,m a father and i am try to find my daughters from my first marrisge i have since married with 2 grown up lads i would love them to get in touch its been 38 years so i would not tell that his dad does not want know that chance meeting might wake him up and come to his senses and think what he has missed out on all these years.

Answer 10

well he has to know sooner or later and its best sooner, why don't you give your child his dads number and let the father tell him himself, so that your son can see what a real jerk his dad is, i doubt very much that he will be hurt by this since he don't even know his dad and he has two loving parents in his life already, my mom kept me away from my father i looked for him when i was much older and found out myself what a jerk he was but i waisted all life wondering what it would be like to know my real father. what a waist of time.