My husband's mother has cancer & now he spends ALL, yes all of his xtra time there & says we (fam) come 2nd..?

Question

My hubby is in his early 40's. His mom never liked me (& I'm a good person) even when she was well because he doesn't handle conflict well & each time we'd have even the slightest disagreement, he'd run over to her house. We have had our major arguments, too but always manage to settle them because we do love each other. Now she asks him to come over constantly to do things for her & he's there usually even when he's not asked. She told him last month that if he doesn't divorce me, she's writing him out of her will (he was to originally get almost everything instead of his sister) and he didn't do it so she switched her will around and is now leaving him nothing. He & his child was living with his mother when I met him for no reason, he had a stable job and could afford to live on his own. Also, his father died when he was 15 & mom remarried but has been divorced now for 20 years. He see's nothing wrong with his behavior. Please give advice! Am I being unreaosnable or is he? Help!

Answer 1

This is a real tough situation------his mama is a manipulative old broadie!!!!------if you try to separate him from him mother he will always resent it and will create a chasm in your relationship.On the other hand you are suffering at her hand at this time and this is unfair. However the best thing you could do would be to pray and ask for a forgiving spirit-----if you hold on to the anger and frustration you are the main one who suffers---I don't know how much time she has left--------you do need to understand he must be at her side during her final stage. try to be there with him if you can---if you cannot -----try to be supportive and remember not to harbor resentment. It is tough!!! I am sorry for your hardship-------Good Luck to You!

Answer 2

He is certainly wrong. His mother is definitely wrong. You are needing to get a BIble and begin studying with a group of Non-denominational Christians. I would suggest that you find a local Non-denominational church that will set up a BIBLE STUDY near your home (the church). Have your husband take you. If he refuses let him know that he needs to watch the children on whatever nite so you can attend without him. My guess is that he will go that way. The scriptures say that a man and woman are to become one flesh. This can not be done if he is at his mothers house instead of his own with you and the children. You should let him know that Sundays are also for the Lord and you are going to have Sunday lunch or dinner that his mother is welcome to attend after church services. He should spend every Sunday at home reading and studying the Bible with the family. This would be a great family tradition. His mother might be invited to come over at least once every month to study with you. You might also let her know that while he is at work she is welcome to come over while you are doing housework and spend time getting to know you. A simple card game. some sewing, or simple game like monopoly will sometimes be helpful in getting people acquainted. You can win her over but only if he begins to grow up in your marriage. I hope that you are able to get him home as he should be. I wish you the best!
Eds

Answer 3

His mother has cancer, do you want him to desert her now? It would be nice if you went with him. Maybe she has a reason for not liking you, it doesn't sound like you like her but want her money instead. Your husband can use a little support from you right now instead of being torn between you. His mother may not be around for very long and you can have him for the rest of your life. Don't be jealous now of the mother-son relationship.

Answer 4

It seems like he has had to be the man of the family for a long time and a momma's boy.He needs to cut the apron strings but still be there for her during her illness. It seems like she is also jealous of you and afraid you will take him "away" from her.Try to be her friend, let her know you better, that you are a good caring person.Your husband is stuck in the middle. I'm curious of the outcome. Good luck.

Answer 5

1) Mom put a major guilt trip on him - she probably told him for years how hard she suffered to provide for him, so he feels obligated. And then you stole him away from her. Poor old woman!

2) When he runs to mom and tells her about your little fights, she of course thinks they are worse than they are, and being his mother, wants to protect him. According to her, you've hurt her baby. Your husband needs to keep your private conversations PRIVATE. He should not be sharing negative things about you with his mother. When you resolve issues he is quick to forget, but she is not.

3) She's basically a man-hater because she believes she has been abandoned by men - she is bitter that her first husband left her to fend for herself with the kids and the second husband was Mr. Wrong. She is trying to make your husband make up for the losses she's felt in her life due to men, and your husband buys her immature, needy ploys and wants to make it right for her.

4) She has NO right to attempt to manipulate your husband with money in asking him to divorce you. How dare she do that! Is he not old enough to decide for himself what kind of life he chooses to lead? This woman is an evil manipulator. If he decides to divorce you for his mother's money, then I say "good riddance!" That pretty much shows you were you stand in his life, and sheez ... do you really want a man who chooses mom's money over you? (If you want to fight fire with fire, let him go ahead and divorce you and then later you can sue him for alimony and his mother can moan in hell about how her money went to you. LOL LOL)

5) I suggest you distance yourself from your mother-in-law and let all communication with her go through your husband. She is bent on making your life hell, so why wave your hand over the same old flame, only to be burned again and again? You are not obligated to her in any way ... only to him. Don't buy her gifts, cards, go there on visits. Let him do it all for her. You owe this woman nothing.

6) I hate to say it, but pray that the Lord takes her soon. :-)


You and your husband need to seek counseling and he needs to pledge his allegiance to either you or his mom. And if mom is #1, then he should marry his mother. Of course he can help her out and visit her because she is sick right now, but her emotional demands well cross over the normal boundaries and she is meddling where she doesn't belong. You are not being unreasonable at all, but you also don't need to put any energy into it either. What you focus on is what you are going to get, and the more you think about this issue and discuss it with hubby the more food you will feed the monster. As I said earlier, cut off your communication with her.

Good luck to you! :-)

Answer 6

SHE IS SICK... HE HAS ALREADY LOST ONE.... would you wanna be with your mum too? the fact he lived with her for a while could of made things worse since they are use to having each other around... dont get all worked up of something you would do too... see it from his side. as for the mother writing him out thats their problem not yours. he made teh decision so stop worrying about it, you cant change it!

Answer 7

Can you say Mommy's boy? Wow! I feel bad for you and your family! I think you need to see Dr. Phil! He's GOT to get his mother/son relationship straightened out. I think she sounds like a vampire - ya know someone who sucks you dry and controls you.

Answer 8

RIGHT NOW he is in the middle of you and his mom. Right now he sees and knows that one day he will open his eyes and his mom will be gone and not coming back. SO he wants to share as much time with her as possible so when she is in her last day here on earth he will know that he was there by her side. Long as he still tells you he loves you and none of his love and feeling for you have changed then support him and stand by him. Don't take him from his mom or make him choose cause when his mom is gone you don't want him to blame you for the reason why he was not there for her nor say or feel guilty cause he was not there for her. Put yourself in his shoes if this was you mom what would you do? Even thou she does not like you you still have to be the better person and kill her with kindneess I know better said than done since he spends his time ther go there with him and show HIM that you are going to stand by him in his time of need. She may be in her last days you never know. Even thou she is not leaving him nothing and he is still there says that he don't care to have nothing that she has cause nothing can take the place of his love for her those are just material things and one day all that she leaves for his sisters or whoever they will end up having to leave it behind as well cause when we leave this world we can not take anything with us to our grave. He has more love for his mom no matter how she treats him or what she says that is unconditional love cause in the end he will cry but he will also know that he spent time and showed her his love no matter how she acted. Stand by him and see things thru his eyes have you ever asked him why he spends so much time there? Let him know that you are going to be there for him and stand behind him when his mom leaves at least he knows that you are a great strong wife and that no matter what his mom did or said you still stood strong thru it all with him he will really appreicate that very much. When he turned his moms offer down and she took him out the will also shows you that his love for her is great than any of that material stuff he cares less about, you can not buy love and he loves you more than what she was going to leave him that tells you that he loves you and no matter what mom says he will all ways be with you. So go with him some times and help him do whatever it is he does show him that you love him and no matter how much his mom don't like you your still going to stay strong, kill her with kindness his mom is feeling like your taking him away from her so she is trying everything to get him away from you which is not working at all so instead show her that he is still her son even thou he is your husband now and that when she has gone on he will still be with you. Stand by him and join into what it is he is doing. When that day comes and she is gone you will know that you did your all to be nice to her and your blessings will still be coming in cause you showed her unconditional love even thou she did not like you. Stand tall with a smile on your face confidence in your heart no matter what she says to you blow it off and keep smiling don't get mad that is what she wants when she sees it is not getting to you at all she will slack off of you and start to see you as a wife you are. Stand up to her with love and by his side as well.

Answer 9

Nope, you are definitely not unreasonable. But you know you're fighting a losing battle. Mom will always come first to him. I don't know how you put up with it this long. But he knows you'll put up with it, so why should he stop?

Answer 10

We all get older, but some people don't grow up. You need a real man in your life, not a manipulative adult child.