I'm a little concerned about the situation that I'm facing and hoping you all can give me some guidance.

Question

I have recently met a man 11 years my junior, he is 27 and I am 38. He is very sweet and we have so much in common. He claims he is tired of dating girls his age and really wants to settle down with someone and have a life. My problem is he's never been married, I was married for 14 years and I have two children, ages 7 and 9. About five years ago I faced a very life threatening situation, I had an operable tumor that left me unable to have any more children. While I adore this man, I feel so inadequate next to him. I feel like I need to let him go and let him find a woman his age who can give him what he wants. He may not want it now but eventually he may want to have chlidren and I don't want to be selfish and steal those years away from him where he could be having children of his own. Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I let him go? He says he likes our age difference and the fact that I'm very calm and sure of myself, but will he always love it esp when we can't have kids

Answer 1

I think from what you have stated that he knows the score and he should and will make that decision for himself. You have two children of your own but if he becomes a larger part of your life then he too, will experience what parenthood is. Granted they would not be his biological children but blood does not make a father. Just as being a sperm donor doesn't. I think as long as open communication is open between you for this discussion then it should be an area that is talked through.

I would also think that he understand that it isn't that you don't want to have his children but rather circumstances beyond your control. Just the fact that you have voiced these concerns about his feelings show that you are not being selfish in my opinion.

It would be nice if we had crystal balls into our future but you and I both know that won't happen. If he tells you his feelings then that is what you go with. Too many times, being female I think we try to read more into what is or isn't being said instead of what they mean.

I wish you much luck with your relationship.

Answer 2

I think the red flag I see concerning your situation is the fact that you are having these reservations. It bothers me that you feel 'inadequate' next to him. That doesn't sound very healthy to me for a long lasting relationship. If your feelings of inadequacy stem from not being able to have any more children, then I think you may need a change of perception about your worth as a person. But then perhaps 'inadequate' may not have been the best word of choice. The other thing that I would be concerned about is his age. Not necessarily the age difference between the two of you, but 27 is still quite young for men. It has been my experience, generally speaking, that 27 is just about the age most guys are just beginning to truly mature in this day and age.
On the other hand, you wonder about 'stealing' the opportunity for him to have his own children. This isn't your decision anyway. Let him decide what he wants, otherwise, you come across sort of like a mother, deciding what is best for him. Which sends up another red flag....be careful that the dynamics of your relationship doesn't fall into a parent/child pattern.
Bottom Line: Ask yourself, how would you advise your daughter if it were her in this situation. Be brutally honest and then stick with it. Good Luck.

Answer 3

There's way too many issues here. Almost all people change with age and he's going to be no exception. Were you the same person at 27 as you are now? As the older person in this relationship it is your responsibility to recognize the problems here and end the relationship. If you insist on going forward and getting married, however, do the wise thing and get a pre-nup. Be sure to include the 'children' factor in there so that he can't divorce and take half your money purely on that fact. Even if he knew about the condition before marriage, a judge might still find in his favor and you don't want that.

Good luck and when in doubt, think of your current children and their feelings. First and foremost you are a mother.

Answer 4

I don't think you need to be concerned. Talk these issues you are having through with him, if your 38 and he's 27...he must be mature enough for you to date, to have a relationship with...etc, isn't he? Yes, or you probably wouldn't be dating him.

You shouldn't feel inadequate next to him, if you feel that way, turn it into feeling flattered that he finds you attractive, and wants you as a partner. I'm sure you've told him that there is no possibility of having children in ya'lls relationship, so let him decide if thats for him or not.

Let me say this: Why would you let someone you want and adore...walk away because you decided whats best for him? He's part of this decision too....

Keep your relationship, just be honest with your feelings, and then you two decide together....

Answer 5

There are never guarantees in love. If you continue dating him and things get more serious, discuss your concerns about his potential desire for children later on ... You can't second guess what he will think or feel in the future.

If you feel this is a good thing, go with it. Enjoy. Don't worry about the distant future when you're just starting to date.

Answer 6

i think that you need to let him know what going on. you right it
might not make a diffent right now,but as time go on he may
resent you, if he want children. and it may be that way he 27
so he may be looking down the road for children. but i would
let him go and find that someone that can give him what he
needs. also a good factor is that he never been married and you
was married for 14 years also may be a big factor.

Answer 7

i'm an ex Jw. i think of the only spectacular subject is with faith. maximum of wars have been fought interior the call of Christ, it makes you start to ask your self. no person is customary with of for a fact that Jesus ever lived. no person is customary with of for a fact that our thought-approximately God is even superb suited. The Bible has been written and edited with the aid of adult adult males, for countless motives. God is potential. Watch a documentary Stephen Hawkings did on the existence of God. It talks approximately how the full universe is built of potential in that is countless varieties. I mean hell if we are built of potential, and made in Gods image. Then maybe Hawkings is directly to a minimum of a few thing. P.S. You dont could worship God. only stay.

Answer 8

Have you talked with him about your concerns? It really is his decision how he wants to live his life and., if he loves you, so be it! Look at your own strengths so you will not feel inadequate next to him. He sees you as calm and sure of yourself. That is very powerful. Good luck to you both.

Answer 9

This should be something you should talk to him about... See if he wants children now or in the future. If he truly loves you then you should go for it and enjoy each other as much as you can. He can love your children as much as he would his own.

Answer 10

I'm that much older than my husband, and we've been married for many years, we do have one child, just leave the child issue up to him, at 27 he can decide for himself. You're being very honest with him, now it's his turn to be honest with you, and with himself. I believe there are many men who don't 'need' their own child.