Which of these offend you?

Question

More jokes, bwahahahaha.


- I don't care WHO you are, quit walking on the water while I'm fishing!
- A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
- Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
- Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich.
- Why settle for the lesser of two evils?
- Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
- A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
- Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
- If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.
- I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!

- I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!
- He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at. ---Terry Pratchett, 'Small Gods'
- And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the Bible were used to beat plowshares into swords - Alan Wilson Watts
- Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much. -- G.K. Chesterton
-I am ready to meet my maker. Whether or not my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. -- Winston Churchill
- A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!
- And on the 8th day God said, OK Murphy, you take over.

- Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary.
- I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too.
- Freedom *OF* religion includes freedom *FROM* religion.
- Give me some of that old-time Religion...HAIL ZEUS!
- In a crisis call for Isis!
- In the name of the Old Man, The Kid, and the Spook, Amen.
- Heavenly Football: Jesus Saves... Passes to Moses. Shoots... .....He SCORES!
- That was Zen. this is Tao.
- Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?
- The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.
- The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
- On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

- If organized religion is the opium of the masses, then disorganized religion is the marijuana of the lunatic fringe. -- Malaclypse the Younger
- If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajita's, cause that's what he's getting tonight.
- Jesus Saves! By using double coupons and shopping wisely.
- Confession without repentance is just bragging. - Rev. Eugene Bolton
- Do I believe in the Bible? Hell, man, I've seen one!
- Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
- Go thou and sin more creatively next time.
- Sorry I missed church, I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.
- Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.
- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
- "I don't question YOUR existence." - God

Answer 1

That reminds me of the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic, who lied in bed at night and wondered if there was a dog...

PS...some of those were really funny!

Answer 2

Those are all cute but the Televangelists: the pro wrestlers of religion was the only one I didnt really laugh at

Answer 3

The Islamic Q’uran is NON-Contextual and relies on the Bukhari to paint its backdrops. (Top 2 most ‘holy’ Islamic books). These teachings are prevalent throughout the book.

Judge the following for yourself.

Qur’an 8:60 “Infidels should not think that they can get away from us. Prepare against them whatever arms and weaponry you can muster so that you may terrorize them.”
Bukhari:V4B52N260 “The Prophet said, ‘If a Muslim discards his religion, kill him!’”
Qur’an 5:51 “Believers, take not Jews and Christians for your friends.”
Bukhari [4:52:177]: Allah's Apostle said, "The Hour will not be established until you fight with the Jews, and the stone behind which a Jew will be hiding will say. "O Muslim! There is a Jew hiding behind me, so kill him!"

THOUGH THE ISLAMIC ALLAH WANTS MUSLIMS TO KILL ALL NON-MUSLIMS, MANY MUSLIMS ARE NOT DOING SO AT THIS MOMENT (WITH DISAPPOINTMENT FROM THE FUNDAMENTALIST ISLAMISTS) BECAUSE THEY ARE NOW ENJOYING THEMSELVES, SOME AFRAID OF REPRISALS. DON'T THINK FOR A MOMENT THAT MUSLIMS ARE PEACEFUL. IF THEY SEEM TO BE, THEY ARE ACTUALLY NON-PRACTICING MUSLIMS.

Perhaps you think this is bullshit. But wait. Take a quick glance below of islam’s founder’s behaviour recorded in one of the most authentic Islamic texts ever recorded below and you will not think so again. Remember this, Muhammad personified the teachings of the Q’uran.

MUHAMMED HAS NO MERCY; Sahih Bukhary; and Hanbel.
Bukhary, Volume 1, Book 4, Number 234:

Bukhari, V1B4N234: "A group of people from the Oreyneh and Oqayelh tribes came to the prophet to embrace Islam, the prophet advised them to drink the urine of the camels. Later on when they killed the prophet's shepherd, the prophet seized them, gouged out their eyes, cut their hands and legs, and left them thirsty in the desert to die."

IF MUHAMMAD WAS A MURDERER, A RAPIST, A PEODPHILE, A LIAR, WHAT LESS CAN YOU EXPECT OF HIS FOLLOWERS? MUSLIMS BECOME TERRORISTS BECAUSE THATS WHAT THEY ARE MEANT TO BECOME. BECAUSE THAT IS TRUE ISLAM. WHAT IS TRUE, IS WHAT HAS BEEN WRITTEN, NOT WHAT PEOPLE TELL YOU AND WANT YOU TO BELIEVE.

Answer 4

"Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion."

They get really sweaty when they work, are completely fake, and get paid waaaaaaaay too much money.

Oh yeah! They're always in your face.

Answer 5

Not a one offended me, sorry....

Another Cthulhu:My God can eat your god!


I have a pin that says that, with a pic of Cthulhu. Though the black goat of the woods would be my preference in that particular pantheon...

Now, I DO find them funny. Thanks for the laugh...

Answer 6

some r funny and some arent. some could be considered offensive but my fav was the one about the televangilist. that one was great!

Answer 7

Very nice

Answer 8

Those are funny! I have one of mine own.

What is a Heathen idea of a balanced diet?
- A horn of mead in each hand!

Answer 9

You have a lot of time on your hands. Well done though.

Answer 10

None of them I just consider the source.