should i move my mom to an assisted living facility even though she is really opposed to the idea?

Question

my mom has developed alzheimer's in addition to diabetes and macular degeneration of her eyes. she had been living alone with frequent visits by me and the neighbors. she moved in with my brother and his family but seems to be miserable as are they. she would like to come back to her house and find someone to cook/clean for her and ensure she takes her medication. it would be temporary as we could not afford it for very long. she is very frightened to sleep alone as well so there's a strong chance that once she comes back she'll want to go back to my brother's. we've introduced the idea of moving her to a facility close by that can better care for her but she insists she won't go and that we're trying to get rid of an old lady. the guilt is working as we're considering having her come back, but deep down we know she won't get the proper care. she spends her days watching tv at full volume (hard of hearing) and eating the wrong foods making the diabetes worse. advice please.

Answer 1

You can easily et he the right foods for diabetes from a nutritionist !
Wrong and sick to stick her in an assisted living facility...Have you even seen Happy Gilmore?
Nursing homes are awful and anything besides this nicer will cost a fortune. You can let her sleep in unused room you have and get over yourself if there are no other responsibilities extreme she'll only be a sleeping old woman half the day. Get a nutritionist to come see her theyre not even half as expensive ! Serve her meals on a TV tray and thats that.
Let her end at home happy.

Answer 2

assisted living is expensive, like $3000 a month. A nursing home is more like $6000 a month. It may be cheaper to have someone stay there. If the alzheimer's is advanced, and she is no longer safe (leaving the burner on, wandering away from home, etc) well, then it is appropriate to have her go to a home. If she is still mostly mentally compentent, I would say absolutely not. Who are you to tell her what to do? My husband is a lot older than me, and we have the alzheimer's discussion, and he would rather be taken into the woods and shot than live in a home. (so would I). another possible thing is that some people with alzheimer's get violent, and that may factor into your decision.

also, there is day care for people with impaired memory, and their are general senior centers for socialization for people who are or are not disabled. I live in a very rural area and we have those things. That may provide significant respite care and may not be that expensive. There is also meals on wheels. You ought to contact your local social services to see what is available, although they often want to railroad older folks into nursing homes, too. Then medical assistance will pay after the money runs out, and it's no longer the county's problem. So they kinda have an agenda there.

PS my husband has diabetes and is legally blind, and he gets along great except for the driving thing. He does not have any dementia, though. Is your mom getting Avastin injections (it DOES hurt). I think that may now be covered by medicare for macular degeneration.

Answer 3

OK I gotta be the bad one here.
This is my take (both personal and professional as I have worked in a long care facility)
I have seen a great many people go from bad to worse when placed in a home. Lets be honest...call it assisted living or whatever sugar coat name you want to...but in the end its an old folks home. Thats how most people see it, including the elderly. People really lose thier since of independence when they have to be put in a home....ironically even if that didnt have much independence. Its a state of mind and a strong one. So strong that I have seen many give up thier entire will to live.
Consider other options like Home Health Care.
Im sorry but you can ask almost anyone and in thier golden years they would rather be home than anywhere else.
I hope when I get that age (and Alzhiemers runs in the family so I have thought about this) people will leave me alone. Even if I eat nothing but donuts all day, dont take my meds and even run a risk of burning my house down, I still dont want to be put in a home.
If you must put her in a home, check it out. Go to the website below as it will give you results of Medicare inspections. (click on Nursing home compare) Link also gives ideas for maybe some alternatives to nursing home placements. Visit it more than once. Act like your a visitor of someone else (I know it sounds crazy) instead of a visitor of a family member seeking to put thier mother in there.

Answer 4

If she is home bound, you may want to look into getting her a Home Health. If she has medicaid/medicare, it would pay for it. They send LVNs or RNs out to make sure she's okay. they check her blood sugar and blood pressure on a daily basis. Sometimes up to 3 times a day if the doctor deems it necessary. They also help control her eating habits and actually help teach them whats good to eat and what not. they help with food preparation, laundry, and household things. Contact some local home health services in your area, request an evaluation. They will run her Medicaid/Medicare/Private Insurance and make a request for the doctor. Then she will still be living independently for as long as possible and well taken care of!

Answer 5

Did your mom consider dumping you when she got pregnant with you? Did she provide care for you when you were born and subsecuently? did you have a place to live in her home and enjoyed love and care from her at other stages in your life?

I think you need to think that she is your mom. She is not a toy or anything less than a human. And all humans, moms, dads, sisters, brothers, friends shoudl always have the love and care that a good person owes her family.
Mom's are very special people in this world.
You should be honored that your mom needs you and disregards those thoughts of 'burden' on you or your brothers if your mom was to go with you and stay with you.

just how would you like to be shoved in an asylum later on in life? should you need one? or anything other than your own home, with your own people? IT'S A BAD IDEA TO PUT YOUR MOM ANYWHERE ELSE BUT IN THE HEART OF YOUR AND HER FAMILY.

You can solve the issue of her needing assistance, at your own place or your brothers.
You can hire somebody to come do the burdening part for your mom BUT YOU MUST BE THERE TO GIVE HER LOVE.
The every day presence of you, her son , will be a blessing and help a lot. HELP HER A LOT BY BEING THERE FOR HER.

It works. I have seen it upclose. And mom's and dad's are special people. Don't think of them as less because they are ill and need more care. Behind that illness there is still a person with a huge heart and love for you and all. None of that is gone. Even if it looks like it.

I suggest you and your family and those close ot your mom, take a course on the dif. stages of the illness. There will probably be a point where you will make another change. Maybe, mabye not. But the right thing to do for now, for your mom, is to toughen up and love deep and show it. SHOW HER YR GRATITUDE FOR HAVING GIVEN BIRTH TO YOU AND BEEN THRE FOR YOU IN THE PAST. now its yr turn to show yr mom yr thankful heart.

bring mom closer to your heart and life
instead of pushing her out
i know you wouldnt want to be shoved in a corner and forgotten once you are old and ill.

Answer 6

No, she is your mom, you only get one mom. If she is as bad off as you make her seem, maybe you should let her stay at your house for a while? Or leave her at your brothers house, she may seem miserable, but in time she will learn that it is better than being by herself. that is kinda what we have to do with my grandma... she sometimes has these crazy times when shes like im just gonna leave, but you have to be there for her, and time will change everything... make her feel important... can she do something really good? if so make her feel like it means the world to you, even if its just something small like making cookies or something

Answer 7

You need to go in and discuss this with her and her doctor. No one but all of you, the doctor as well as she can make this decision. Since she has alzheimers be sure she has a POA document filled out already and has all of her wishes such as DNR and no tube feedings or yes tube feedings etc filled out too. Her doc can help you figure out what is best and also help find a solution that works for all of you.

Answer 8

She's not helping herself and that's making it really hard on her children. She's trying to make you feel guilty about sending her somewhere she can get proper care, when really, she's the one being selfish. It's not like you're planning on putting her away, never to bother with her again. You have her best interests at heart, funny how that role reveral works with parents and children as time passes. Talk to her and try to make her see your side of it.

Answer 9

my dad is almost 90, has been living in a nursing home for about 4 years, 2 years before that he came out from az to come live with me(i invited him). at first everything was ok, then his health began to deteriorate, and then he was diagnosed with alzheimers, among other issues.

at first i took care of him, then we got someone to live with us, to take care of him. got harder and harder. he did things like get up at 6am, in his pajamas, put on his slippers, and go walk into town with his checkbook. (no money, mind you, just the checkbook) the police picked him up almost 2 miles away about 7:15(while i was on the phone with 911).he didn't know where he lived only my name.it was getting unsafe for him to be at home, he would eat margarine, not knowing what he was doing, and it got to the point he needed 24hr care.

my dad felt the same about the nursing home, so we started him off at the senior center, at first he didn't want to be around all those "old people", then he began making friends. we made trips to the nursing home to visit. his name came up on the list, and i turned it down the first time. when it came up the second time, we went in.

talk to her doctors, you are doing the right thing by considering a facility, go visit them, walk in unannounced and see how they operate. i go in to see my dad any time i want, they don't tell me i have to come back at certain hours. they take great care of him, and he has friends there that he knew from the senior center (of course he doesn't know he knows them)

don't let the guilt get to you, if your mom lives with you, your life will become hers. my best friend went through the same thing with her mom, and the guilt drove her crazy.

tell your mom it's to keep her safe, not to get rid of her. take her with you when you visit the facility so she can meet the people there, and maybe start to make friends. the transition will be alot easier if she feels comfortable going there.

good luck, you should go to a group, it's tough having a parent with alzheimers.

Answer 10

it sounds like u have a lot to think about.i guess maybe u could have her come back to live with u and have a part time nurse and if money is the problem im sure someone at social services could help you with that. good luck its hard when parents age