any funny jokes?

Question

if know any please post them who ever has the best gets best answer.

Answer 1

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
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the first joke won me quite a couple best answers. i hope u enjoy

Answer 2

-A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about
what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father
replies, "Son, there are three subjects that always work.
These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice
cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a
long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his
father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl, "Do you like potato pancakes?"

She says, "No." And the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his
father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.

He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

Again, the girl says, "No." And there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's
advice and asks the girl, "If you had a brother, do you think
he would he like potato pancakes?"



-When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a
traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge
rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a
schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled
with delight.

"Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass
through a red light' five hundred times."

Answer 3

Why is it a bad thought to play UNO with mexicans? via fact they're going to continually scouse borrow your green-enjoying cards. A Mexican and a Blackman are in a vehicle. who's using? A cop what's the version between a blackman and a bench? A bench can help a family individuals of four Why dosn't Mexico have an Olympic group? via fact everybody which could run, bounce and swim is already here.

Answer 4

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

Answer 5

there was genie and said over there was magic slide to 3 dudes
1. said what whateva u say while going down that's what u land it 1st dude said gold , gold, gold so he lands in a pit of gold, then
2ns dude said grass, grass, grass, then
the 3rd dude said, WWWEEEEEEEEE!!!!!, then guess wht he land in u guessed it IT WAS URINE!!!!!!

Answer 6

a real funny joke will be if u ever have sex. lol.