I am planning a wedding and don't want to include a close friend as a bridesmaid because of her weight. I know that sounds horrible but she is morbidly obese and is closing in 450 pounds. Is is too selfish to not want to include her because I want the focus to be on me and not what one of my bridesmaids look like in their dress? She is a great person, but people people always staring and commenting when we go in public and I know it will be the focus of the wedding party pictures. I am considering not having any bridesmaids, I don't want to do that, but can't come up with a way not to hurt her feelings. I know a lot of people will think i'm a horrible person, so save your responses. Some helpful thoughts would be nice.
2007-02-21 06:23:33 · 30 answers · asked by ○•○•Cassie•○•○ 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Well i'm sorry that some people think I am the most ignorant selfish person on earth, but you don't have to like me and you don't have to be my friend. Of course I talked this over with my fiancee, he has been the person I have collaborted everything with for the last 7 years. I am probably thinking more of myself, but this is my day. For people who think it's horrible to not be that thrilled about putting this person in a red stain strapless dress and asking her to parade around in front of a 300 person wedding party then pose for pictures- get over it. I bet you think your perfect, but I was hoping for some alternative suggestions. I have gotten many good ones and I appreciate it. Everyone else can go get on their soap boxes somewhere else.
2007-02-21 08:23:18 · update #1
Can you give her another role in the wedding, such as doing a reading at the ceremony or making a speech at the reception? Keep the wedding party small--maybe just family--and that way she won't feel hurt.
I understand the wanting the focus on you aspect--you only get married once and the day should be about you and your fiance--no one else!
My best advice is to try and find another role for her, but consider that you didn't ask her, so you need to limit who you do ask. Don't ask someone that you're not as close with in lieu of her, because then she may figure out what you're doing.
Limit the wedding party to family or to one very close friend and then ask her to do something else or don't ask her at all if you don't ask anyone else!
Good luck.
Congrats on your upcoming wedding!
2007-02-21 12:43:23 · answer #1 · answered by ms. teacher ft 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
That's a hard one, because it upsets me that you don't want to include her in your wedding even though she is a close friend because of her size, and i can also understand where you are coming from. I am not the smallest person in the world, but I am no 450 pounds, but I have been a bridesmaid in 3 weddings now, and my friends have had no problems with it, because I am a "great" person, I guess.
My question to you is: are any of your other potential bridesmaids "hotter" then you? If that's the case, you shouldn't include them because the audience will be consumed with their beauty rather than yours.
My point is: yes, when the bridesmaids, and the groomsmen walk down the aisle, they are being looked at, BUT...everyone is waiting for the bride. They could give two s*its about the bridesmaids. The bridesmaids are there to SUPPORT the bride. The bride has chosen those who are closest to her, and will be there for her through everything.
You not wanting your friend to be in the ceremony because she is heavy is a betrayal to your friend. Whatever you decide (and it is your decision) you will have to live with it.
I hope it works out for the best, and congrats on your wedding. Enjoy your day, whatever you do!
SIDE NOTE: A great trend now is picking a color, and the bridesmaids pick their own dresses that way they all will look good, rather than trying to find one that looks good on all them! If you are worried about color, then stick to one store (David's Bridal would be good), and all the colors will match pretty good.
2007-02-21 14:52:39 · answer #2 · answered by Kate 4 · 4⤊ 1⤋
This is my opinion: I don't think people should critisize you for having your own opinion. You're entitled to it, right? However, we're also entitled to ours. I don't think it's right, but it's YOUR wedding. It's your special day, and you have the right to do whatever you think is best. It will hurt her feelings, and I'm hoping you're not planning on telling her that her weight is the reason she's not being a bridesmaid. Well, you said you weren't having bridesmaids, so that's all you have to tell her. That way, she won't think it's because of her weight. Like I said before, though, I think it's wrong. No one here is trying to be overly critical, but they're trying to make you see that this will hurt her feelings. You're so worried about your wedding looking nice, that you're forgetting that the people that have been there for you DESERVE this. How would you like to weigh more than 400 lbs. and your friend tell you: Hey, you're just too fat to be in my wedding. Sorry...you won't be joining us. That's rude and selfish. She deserves better friends.
2007-02-21 18:48:28 · answer #3 · answered by Abby 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are the bride. You will be the star of the show. Period. Yes, people will be looking at her when she walks down the aisle. Until she reaches them, maybe a pew beyond. Then they will be focused on the next person...and the next...until you walk down. Then all eyes will be on you, all the way. If she's going to be a bridesmaid (not MOH) she will be sitting in the front pew, so she will be blocked from most people's sights anyway.
Perhaps, as someone said, she won't want to be in the wedding; whether it's for the reason you mentioned or something else. At least if you ask her, it will be her decision, not your "selfishness." Just let her know that it won't hurt your feelings if she declines the invitation (to be a BM), and you will still include her in the planning, etc.
I would just like to add that I am getting married in June. I am a bigger girl (size 16) and ALL of my (five) bridesmaids have model figures...the biggest of them is a size eight. I, like most people (I think) chose my bridesmaids because of my (and my fiance's) relationships with them, not their size. I hope they are not embarrassed by me as you are of your "friend"
2007-02-21 15:22:01 · answer #4 · answered by Just tryin' to help 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Cassi I actually do not think you are a horrible person. I think the concern is really valid. Though this is coming from a woman who didn't ask a friend to be a bridesmaid because she's very unattractive and has an odd disproportionate body shape. My mother thought I was wrong when I stated why I wasn't asking her but I feel like it's my day, I don't want it ruined or my pictures to look odd especially since the two other bridesmaids are stunningly beautiful - it would make her look like the ugly duckling and I am NOT being ignorant, I'm serious. However, in your case it's more valid because at 450 lbs, the attention will definitely be on her. This is super sad because if you don't as her, she'll know it's because of her weight and she probably sees you as the one true friend she has that doesn't care about the weight. Wow, this is tough. You either have to ask her or not have any maids at all. Even if you don't ask her and give her another job in the wedding, it's still going to be a lot of distraction. Just whatever you do, please try not to hurt her and definitely invite her to the wedding and reception - people will stare but so what. I'd be interested in hearing what you decided to do and how it turned out, so email me sometimes. Good luck sweetie.
2007-02-21 14:42:15 · answer #5 · answered by Brandy 6 · 5⤊ 4⤋
I think it would be rude if your 'close friend' would not be asked to be a bridesmaid and someone not that close to you is a bridesmaid instead.
The ONLY ways around this have been said... either have NOONE stand beside you at the wedding OR only have siblings and relatives.
I find it appalling that you are that ashamed of her that you would not ask her to be in your wedding party. Hope she never finds this out or your 'close friend' won't be so close anymore.
I highly doubt people will focus on her more than on you. You are the only one stressing about it.
Perhaps if you ask her she might think about her weight then, and work on working out to lose some of that weight?
I mean, really. It is being selfish. Sorry but I have to say it.
2007-02-21 15:24:22 · answer #6 · answered by Terri 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The only way to tactfully get around this is to have family members only as bridesmaids.... sisters,cousins, second cousins, aunts....or close friends of the entire family. I do understand and appreciate your concern because all brides want a picture perfect wedding. Because she is a great person, she should be enjoying a great life. Is there a medical reason for this obesity? If not, as her friend, encourage her to get medical help to shed some pounds.
2007-02-21 14:31:59 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
It's understandable.... and unfortunately bridesmaids dress are made for little skinny girls... I am a size 14 and I look like a whale in them.
My cousin got married and she had her cousin in it who was about that size in a strapless A line red shiney dress. It was awful and people tried not to stare but it was hard. It was really painful to watch and people kept commenting on it. And you can't look at my cousin picture without gasping..... It's horrible to say but sometime you just NEED sleeves!
It's your wedding but the real question is your friend hurt by the fact she not included in your wedding?? Or is she OK with it??
2007-02-21 14:42:22 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
If you are set on not having this person serve as a bridesmaid, perhaps you could limit your bridesmaids to just family (sister, cousins, inlaws, etc.) That way you could tell her that you are only including family in the bridal party, but that you would love to have her serve as guest book attendant, perform a reading at the service, or perform some other task in order to feel a party of your day.
2007-02-21 15:40:57 · answer #9 · answered by angekf 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I suppose it's best that she not be in your wedding party. I mean, you're not a real friend to her apparently, so it's best to end the facade right now. Why get her hopes up that she as a person means something to you?
You're being extremely selfish, as I think you know already. If this girl is a close friend, she should be in the wedding. Your wedding is about having the people who mean the most to you celebrating your wedding. I gather that the material things mean more to you than personal relationships, and I hope your groom is ready for that. And I hope your "friend" knows the type of person you really are.
2007-02-21 15:47:01 · answer #10 · answered by Pink Denial 6 · 3⤊ 2⤋