What should I expect from my boyfriend regarding my daughter?

Question

I have a 10-month-old daughter and the man I'm seeing I've been friends with for over 2 years. I remember talking with him 4-5 months back about children. He said he doesn't want any kids (which I think is funny...sometimes I wonder why he chose to date me!) and that he doesn't think he'd be able to handle the responsibility of them. That being said when we started our relationship, I told him straight out I expected nothing from him with regard to my daughter--I would put no responsibility on him, she's mine to raise and that all I want is for him to be her friend as she grows up, and that it's up to him if he wants to be more than that.

Recently he's been playing more with my daughter, interacting with her more and being silly with her, something he's never attempted before. It's really cute, and I'd hate to say it but it's got me a little hopeful that maybe someday she'll view him as a mentor or a father figure.

My question is, what do you think he's doing and thinking?

We talks about the future but marriage isn't in the cards for either of us. We want to take things slow and we don't think of marriage as the greatest institution. We've mentioned maybe living together someday but that won't be for some many years. What's the rush?

He sometimes asks questions about how I plan on raising her--like how I'm going to discipline her, how am I going to school her, etc. I think he truly is concerned about her sometimes and he talks with her on the phone. He's a 2nd degree blackbelt and an instructor of Tae Kwon Do; he's mentioned when she's older, he wants her to be in his class!

Answer 1

Some guys think they are not good with kids but when given an opportunity find they really like them. I think he is getting used to her and starting to care about her.

Answer 2

I am a woman in the life of a man with a daughter. She was two when we met. Now she is 12. My take - at first - was "Oh, you have a daughter - okay - never mind - see ya around." I had NO INTENTION of having children in my life. But he was very persistant - and once I met his daughter - I absolutely loved her.

At first - I said I would just be her friend. Ha! There was no way that was going to work. She was testing my boundaries - and my boyfriend was just not always around to discipline her. I am VERY much involved in her life now. She lives with us during the week plus one weekend a month. She's with Mom 3 weekends - and most holidays. She's a great kid - and my whole life has changed around. I've always worked in the high-tech business world - but now - I am studying to be a pre-school teacher. I LOVE kids. Something I never thought I'd say.

So - it's very likely that your boyfriend will change. BUT - I have to say that it was a mistake for you tell him that you expect nothing in regard to your daughter. Single parents with kids come as a package deal. You say - "sometimes I wonder why he chose to date me!" Well - so do I. We're talking about your daughters life here. It's unfair for you to have somebody very special in your life - and for them not to be involved in HER life. It just starts to make things separate.

My opinion is - if single parents are going to date - it's very important that they find somebody who will embrace their kids as well as them. Of course you're hopeful that he will be a mentor or a father figure for her. That's what she needs - especially if her birth father is not in the picture.

I don't know what hes doing or thinking - and the only way you will know is if you ask him. Tell him you made a mistake and you realize it's important for any mate that you have to be very involved in your daughter's life. If he's not willing - say goodbye. Your daughter's well being comes before your relationships with men.


A few minutes later:
WHOA!! WAIT A MINUTE! I just read some of your other questions - and one of them - as of just a few days ago - was asking when you should divorce your husband!!!????? WUWT!?!?!?!? You said too that you still have sex with him sometimes. So - how does this boyfriend who seems to kind of like your kid a bit fit in to the picture?? I'm so confused. You also talk about how you would maybe move in with a single guy and his room mates - 'cause you have no place to go. Honey - your problems seem way bigger than whether or not this man is in your daughter's life. YOU still have a husband in the picture! I don't know what to say at this point - other than - GET HELP!! Maybe you should give your daughter to your religious parents and let them raise her. That would probably be best!!!!!

Answer 3

I would not expect anything of him. He has no obligation to her. Now if you definitely is wanting to be a part of your life he has to understand that she is the first thing in your life and she comes first and he will have to accept things with her if he chooses to follow that path. My mom dated guys that were constantly trying to pull her away from us when we were kids and I hated her for that. His relationship with you cannot be just with you it has to include your daughter also. I wouldn't push anything he will realize she is a great kid and will come around. I just say that you don't want to push because some guys might think you are just looking for a daddy and then expect them to start helping pay for things or babysit. Now if you all get married in the future he will then be expected to help with these things because you will all be in the house together. If he is saying he doesn't want kids because of the responsibility of having them you two need to have a serious talk about what exactly does he mean when he says that. Because if you were to get married he will be her stepdad and he will have to help with responsibilities. He can't be like no she is your kid I am not going to take her to school or I am not paying for that! Just be really careful on who you and your child are around and what kind of enviroment. Before you picked a guy that you liked and wanted to be with you but now you have to always choose what is best for your little girl. Take care!!

Answer 4

I think your relationship right now is fine. I think he is trying to get to know your daughter, perhaps to impress to you that he is interested in your life. However, I would not move in with him without being married. What if things did'nt work out, then your daughter would be confused and heartbroken. She will not only have lost one, but two daddys' in her eyes. My guess is that you want her to have healthy relationships with men and boys. Do you have any relationship with her father? If you do, his support will be crucial in the years to come. The real Dad will want to make sure that you are not trying to replace him. That is, of course, the two of you have a civil relationship.

Answer 5

Ask him.

HOnestly, I'd take him for his word that he doesn't want the responsibility of a child - and no, playing for a bit with your daughter does not equal a responsible father-figure relationship - you can ask if he's changed his mind about that but I wouldn;t get my hopes up. And I'd also be leary about the relationship he's building with your daughter - I doubt you want her to get hurt when he decides he's had enough "daddy experimenting".

Answer 6

Maybe he's just being the friend to her that you wanted him to be in the first place. Sit him down and ask him what his intentions are with her and yourself. Watch his reaction if she starts calling him dad for some reason...you can tell a lot more than you think just by watching them together.

Answer 7

I wouldn't date him anymore to be honest.

You shouldn't let your daughter use to somebody who doesn't plan on being permanent. Sounds like he just wants sex with you and not to be a family man.