I was attacked and assaulted in my home by an ex-boyfriend, should I tell my fiancee?

Question

My ex-boyfriend came over this morning, walked into my home, I had just gotten home and didn't lock the door behind me. My fiancee is very conservative and private. He is in Iraq. My ex-boyfriend held me down, bruising me and sexually assaulted me. He was here for 2 hours and would not leave or leave me alone. My friend called the police when I acted like I was looking for a number for a job for him (my ex) and texted her "911". I don't want to cause my fiancee worry, since there is nothing he could do from overseas. He left before the police showed up and was totally drunk. I hate to keep secrets but I don't want to hurt my fiancee.

Answer 1

First of all, I'm VERY sorry you had to deal with an ex-boyfriend of this nature. I hope they found him, and I certainly hope he got what he deserved!

Secondly, yes I would tell your fiance.

On one hand, you can not tell him, wait until he gets home, and let him know, and a part of him will still want to kick your ex's rear end. And the other part of him will wonder why you didn't tell him sooner - that you're leaving him out of your life.

Relationships are all about communication. Yes, he may be stuck overseas, but his chain of command MAY still let him go home as well - depending on their needs as a unit, their opinions of him as a soldier (they'll bend over backwards for the good ones), and any amount of leave he may have built up, already.

But more importantly, regardless of whether or not he comes home for this, it's important that he be part of the healing process. If you go through this alone, he may find a completely different person when he comes home, and not know how to deal with it. You may be withdrawn, have very little sexual interest, and uncomfortable doing things you used to do. But if you tell him now, he will be well aware of what to expect from you when he gets home. You can keep him informed of your healing progress, and he'll know exactly where he stands when he returns. He won't have to guess at all. Even if you tell him right before he gets home, he's going to be thinking "is she comfortable with this?" the whole time he's with you.

But hiding it from him will probably tear you apart as well. You'll always want to tell him, and eventually, you'll start to regret NOT telling him yet. And the longer you go without telling him, the worse you're going to feel. Yes, he may be angry because he can't come home. But that's where the two of you get to heal TOGETHER.

I've never regretted the things I've done in my life. But I have regretted the things I haven't done.

Answer 2

Very sorry to hear that. I hope you get over this soon (in every respect). You should report the bastard to the police. I agree that keeping secrets is the worst thing in a relationship. BUT I would first find out if your fiancee has any chance of being able to come back to the US - at least for a brief period of time. If the answer is yes, I would mention to him what happened (maybe not with all the details but just enough to give him an idea). If he does not have the opportunity to come, then I would probably wait till he gets back from Iraq. Your telling him will simply depress him and make him feel only helpless. I also would suggest that you talk about this with your friends and/or family (assuming they are people whom you can trust).

Again I am very sorry and good luck.

Answer 3

The first answer is a bunch of BS probably written by a twelve year old... Your fiancee is a b*tch for saying that to you! I hope you were in an argument and she just said the worst possible thing that she could think of to you, but that wouldn't even be a good enough excuse for that. What a terrible thing to say to you! I would never EVER say anything like that, even if I was enraged and it was the truth. Wow. No, you aren't exaggerating. Tell her EXACTLY how you feel about it and also that you are thinking of terminating the relationship because it hurts you to think that, and also, because for her to say that clearly indicates that she lacks love and respect for you, and why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that? My god. You really need to talk to her about this and see if you can get it straightened out; it's up to you what you want to do here, but if you think she's worth keeping around even though she disrespected you so badly, then that's your decision, and hopefully the right one.

Answer 4

I'd first like to say that I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope that you are doing better now. I hope the police take care of this as soon as possible.

At this moment I believe you should be open with your fiance. I'm sure he wants to no how you are. Imagine he can't see and can't talk to you or be there for you when he wants to. Imagine how he'd feel when he doesn't find out until he comes back home. How you've kept it a secret. He'll feel betrayed and that you can't trust him. He loves you and is missing you intently. He has a right to no. I always say that it is best to put yourself in another person's shoes to find out what the right thing is to do. Make sure to keep your friends and family close even to assure him you'll be okay. Even stay with a friend until everything is straightened up and justice has been taken to the full extent with your ex, so it will comfort your fiance and not make him worry and feel bad that he can't be here to protect you.

Well good luck with everything sweety!

Answer 5

Things you have to do:
1.) Call the police and report your ex. Give them as much detail as possible, and don't take a shower yet, because there's DNA that they can use in the case against him. Most rape cases go unreported, you have to do this.
2.) Tell your fiancee. He has a right to know. You're probably upset, and may inadvertintly lash out and take it out on him. He has a right to know that he hasn't done anything wrong. Plus, now that this has happened, you're more likely to be aprehensive and nervous in the bedroom because of this attack. Your BF has a right to know why you may not be all about jumping his bones when he comes home. He will be more upset if you don't tell him immediately.
3.) Get a restraining order on your ex. The police can help you with this.

I'm so sorry this had to happen to you, please take my advice, for your sake, your bf's sake, and the sake of other women out there who he also may attack.

Answer 6

You may have to go to court over this, and you should. These
kinds of things can't be kept secret. If one person in your town
knows it so will others. You did the correct thing to call the police, and you need to tell you Fiancee. I think it would be ok to wait till he returns to the States. He will have had time to digest this and put it behind him.

Answer 7

Sweetie-go to the hospital and get a rape kit made. Secondly-file a complaint and have your lousy ex arrested for rape. Thirdly-do not start your life with your new man by keeping secrets-not like this anyway! That jerk raped you!!! I said it! He took your dignity! He should pay for it behind BARS! You feel like you shouldn't tell cause of the stress of the war-or maybe you think it is your fault. It's NOT YOUR FAULT!! IT'S YOUR EX BOYFRIEND'S FAULT!!!! He was WRONG to rape you! That's criminal! He could do it to someone else! If you don't tell the cops, he will! stop him now and have him tossed his jail so someone can toss HIS SALAD and show him how it feels to be raped!
Also-do not let this p.o.s. mess up your relationship by making you think you need to lie. Tell your man. He will love you still. He may be angry-but he supposed to be-your ex sh*tface raped you. don't start a marriage with lies. Overcome this tragedy with the courage of honesty through out. When you tell your man-your ex will not have his power over you.

Answer 8

Yes tell him you dont want any secrets ,Im sorry this happened to you. But if your man is a good man he will be angry at first the he will think of you then he will want ot go arter him and thats what you dont want,and then the fact that he is in the war right now is enough for him to handle .if he will be back soon wait a minute, if not tell him so he wont be angry with you for holding it in
either way if he loves you he will be angry thats just human nature . both of you will have to heal from this.so give him the chance to heal with you not after you.

Answer 9

Probably best to tell him if there is any chance of his finding out from mutual friends. However, you need to assure him there is no need to worry as you are OK. You should also tell him that you considered keeping it a secret (until he got back) on the basis that it would just worry him during his tour and he couldn't do anything about it anyway. You also need to get your exbf arrested and charged and preferably imprisoned.

Answer 10

TELL HIM!!! This is huge!!! I mean he is your fiance you shouldn't be hiding something like that. There is no other time you can tell him. You can't wake up 25 years from out and be like "By the way, I was sexually assaulted a couple months before we were married. You were over seas and I just decided not to tell you/" That would not go well.