Is it just cold feet 4 months before my wedding- or are my thoughts legitimate?

Question

My fiance and I are engaged to be married on our 5 yr anniversary. We already have a 3yr old son, a dog, and have just bought a house. I am only 20 (he is 21), and I don't know if I want to be with him forever. We are very compatible, and he is my best friend. He knows more about me than anyone else, and he takes care of me like no other man his age EVER could. He bought the house, is paying for our wedding, I have a nice car, and I don't have to work. As spoiled as I am, I need more attention from him, not from the things he buys me. Are my feelings coming from nervousness because of a fast approaching date, or is it my hearts way of telling me to keep searching? Am I just looking for an excuse for something to be wrong?

I do love my fiance, but with all the new situations (house bought in November, dog last week, getting engaged in January, wedding in June), I think our feelings have been pushed to the back burner, and we are tired. I just don't know if we are tired because of stuff, or because we are burned out.

Answer 1

You are young and it's normal to feel the way you are. If you love him and he treats you like a man should, count your blessings. At your age I would have been nervous too. It's natural.

You might also try talking to him and let him know that you would like a little more time with him. Maybe set up some date nights for just the two of you.

Good luck and take care of that baby! :)

Answer 2

What you could be feeling is nervousness because it doesn't sound like you've had much of a teen-hood. You basically have been a wife and mother since you were 16-17 and that's a lot (I know, I was a mom at 17 too) and are probably feeling like you've missed out on so much already - so that "legalizing" the relationship would seal the deal and "lock" you in. Perhaps you think there is something "more or better" out there. But listen to me - you already have the child and the house, so sweetheart I suggest you grow-up a bit, stop being the spoiled little girl that you say you are because from what you told us here, you have a great life, especially for someone so young! You have the house, the kid, the dog and the cars - yet you say you want "more attention" from the man? At 21 he should be in his 3rd year of college, not working to take care of a wife, child and home. I say you have yourself a winner there - he's stuck by you (not all young boys would have done that) now it's your turn to stick by him. What exactly could you be searching for? You already have the perverbial "American Dream" - trust me when I say that yes, you've missed out on some things, but you've also missed out on heartbreak and being 17 having to rasie a child on your own. My advice is to marry the man - he sounds like a good man and even if you found someone "different" nobody is perfect, that man will have flaws too. Good luck.

Answer 3

To have accomplished so much at such a young age, WOW.

This feeling you are having could be a few things really,
PANIC - Marriage is a huge decision, that is if you are taking the decision seriously as in (till death do you part). If it is panic it will pass.
It could be that you are so used to the way things are, and they seem to be working that you are worried that rocking the boat now might not be the best thing to do. Many couples that have been together for years and decide to marry find themselves divorced after only a few years.
And lastly it could be that you simply are not settled in your own little world. My God you are only 20, you have your whole life ahead of you, and you are probably thinking "what could I be missing?" This to is normal.
Do you believe in the power of prayer?
If you do, pray about it, ask God to bring a calm down on you, that you might be able to make the decision that is best for you at this time.
I married when I was 19 and had two children by the time I was 21. My husband was 20 when we married.
I am divorced now have been since 1989. It was me that ended the marriage, my husband was a good man and provider, I just wasn't happy being married.
If you want you can e-mail me, I'll help you, by listening (or reading) what you need to get off your chest and work through.
Best of luck to you.

Answer 4

If you guys are only 20 and 21 now, you have been together for at least four years, right? Meaning you were only 16 and 17 when you met? It sound to me as though you have pretty much grown-up together, and that your relationship has become more of a friendship than a romantic relationship. I think it is very easy to be swayed by material things- houses and cars, etc., but "stuff" doesn't hold a relationship together- mutual love and respect do. You didn't use the word "love" even once in your question, and to me, that is very indicative of a relationship that has pretty much run it's course. I think you need to think long and hard, and do some very serious soul searching before you marry. Best of luck to you, sweetie.

Answer 5

Your heart isn't telling you to go find a new guy...its telling you to find a way to get your man to spend more time with you. You're right...stuff does not equal love.

What you need is to get you both into a family counseling environment. You need to negotiate your feelings and frankly marriage is ALL about compromise.

I can't even begin to tell you how many women would imagine your lifestyle to be a dream. But there are those who need more...more time, more love, more affection, more attention. And you're one of those. So am I. My husband provides well for me, but he also understands that his time is worth more to me than anything he could purchase.

If I'm doing the math correctly, you were only 15 when you started dating. This is pretty young, but it's not an impossible match. People used to do this ALL the time in the early years (20's, 30's, 40's). And in biblical times, women were married off only a year or two after they started their menses.
My point is, that while you are young, there isn't necessarily a basis for looking around. If you want to make it work, you will. But you have to WANT it.

Please, before you walk away from the guy who seems like he would bend over backward for you, go talk to a counselor. You can do some sessions by yourself and then bring your husband in, or you can do it as a couple.

Answer 6

Are your feelings of uncertainity resulting from all the choas and changes around you? That is what is your question is sounding like. You shouldn't just shut it off, but talk to your fiance about it. He's your best friend right? So he should be able to handle your uncertainity. When things are stressful or changing rapidly some people have a tendency to doubt themselves about big decsions.

You may not be looking for an excuse, but you are shakey. Take a deep breath and ask yourself when these feelings started. What made you fall in love with your fiance in the first place. And TALK IT OUT. Don't just swallow this, your fears could be telling you something, but you have figure out if it is.

Good luck and please discuss this with your fiance. If you're having uncertainity he may be having it as well.

Answer 7

You sound very immature and unappreciative, it also sounds like he'd be better off finding someone else. For a young man to have taken on such huge responsibilities of taking care of you and his son, AND to do it so well, what more can you ask for? You need more attention...pah-lease, it's time to grow up. How about you giving him more of yourself to the relationship? Do you cook, clean and keep the house in order for him everyday? (At 20, I doubt it) Marriage needs 100% / 100% from both people, not 50 / 50 (those marriages end in divorce).

I suggest you speak to an OLDER woman (like your Mom, Grandparent, someone with some life experience) whose opinion you value and ask them. Although, you might need to be prepared to block the hand that could be coming to knock some sense into your head.

You don't deserve him, keep searching...you need to find a few jerks to chew you up so you can appreciate the good guy and "Daddy" you had.

Answer 8

Well, it could be jitters, but the fact that you're having those thoughts could mean that there is something to them. It is so hard to get out of a relationship once you've gotten so far into one. Would you consider postponing the wedding to be sure of your feelings? You are right in that things don't make a marriage. And I'm a BIG believe in actions speaking louder than words. Good luck.

Answer 9

Sounds to me like you have a good man and in spite of it, are not happy. Maybe you're so comfortable with him that marriage is a safe thing to do. If you already know you need more attention, trust me when I say it will not get better when you marry him. I think your head is outweighing your heart by your thoughts. Monetary things don't make you happy and they certainly don't last a lifetime. When good looks, youth and money are gone, you'd better hope there is something else there. Look at it that way and trust your instincts.

Answer 10

Your thoughts are legitimate and can be excused simply because of your age and lack of maturity.
You are doing the right thing - finally - for your child, to give him a sense of stability and belonging in his life. This wedding is long overdue, so just buck up, get some maturity and steady on....