How do I curb the urge?

Question

How do I curb the urge to go through my boyfriend’s phone? I hate myself for doing it and many a time I tell myself not to. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t. Yesterday while he took a shower, I checked his phone, and lo and behold, there was a call from the girl he said had stopped calling him after he told her about us. She called at 9pm, when he was working, or so I was informed. This insecurity is driving me crazy and I think I need help for it. I’ve had friends go through this kind of thing and I am not getting any positive advice. What should I do? I can’t ask him coz he doesn’t know I went through his phone. I have to pretend to be cool about it but it’s hard. Can someone please help me? How can I trust him wholly? Especially that we’re planning on getting married next month. I don’t want to make a mistake by marrying some guy who will lie to me, but still at the same time, I need to curb this hunger to always be in the know. No nasty comments please, I am here to ask for help.

I really have no reason to doubt him, except that this girl calling is someone he almost had something with. He got a call from her once and he was really dodgy about it. After I confronted him, he said he didn't want me to know about it coz it would have just hurt me for nothing. He says he told her about us and whatever should have started ended then and there. Stupid part is, they work together but why should she call him at 9pm?

Answer 1

You are not ready to get married--that's the real issue. Forget the specific issue of the phone and ask yourself why you don't have absolute trust in this guy. Does he lie or give other obvious reasons for not being trustworthy? Or is his behavior objectively above reproach but you're sure something is going wrong? If an impartial judge would find him untrustworthy, then you have to confront him about it sooner rather than later. If you're projecting your own insecurities or sordid past on this relationship, then you probably need a marriage counselor or some kind of therapist to help you sort through why you're sabotaging this relationship. Either way you're going to compound the problem by putting it off--a marriage certificate won't change either of your personalities.

Answer 2

First of all, the call you discovered doesn't necessarily mean anything. She could have called him out of the blue and he just found no reason to upset you with the fact. Being worried and having doubts is perfectly normal in a relationship but I would say that it's not perfectly normal when you are about to marry someone. Maybe you should think about how well you really know him and trust him before you make the big step? It could be that you need more time together before you're ready for marriage.

Answer 3

Well if you two are planning on getting married next month than you should have a relationship that's open enough to be honest with one another. You should tell him that you went through his phone and found that number. Give him a chance to tell you what happened. Maybe she called him and he told her to stop calling him.

However if you two have trust issues I suggest first that you seriously reconsider getting married next month. I was with a guy for 2 years and I never trusted him (for good reason mind you) anyway it was awful being with someone I didn't trust. My stomach was always tight when he was out and I always felt like he was lying Unless the two of you can be open and honest with one another it's not worth staying in a realtionship where there is no trust.

Answer 4

I went through this with a boyfriend once. I tried to stop doing it, but the urge was overwhelming. Just like in my situation, the problem is you don't trust him. Since he is getting phone calls from a girl he says he's not talking to anymore, it sounds like you have reason not to trust him completely. You really need to talk to him about your distrust before you get married. You clearly think he is hiding things from you, and it sounds like he is (at least with that phone call from that girl). You will continue to have these terrible feelings of needing to check up on him until he is trustworthy in your eyes. For that to happen, your going to have to have a long talk with him about how hiding things from you makes you feel. If I were you, I would tell him that for your relationship to be strong, there can't be any lies or hiding things from one another. Above all, don't get married to a man you can't trust.

Answer 5

You cant marry someone that you dont trust. Being overprotective just pushes the guy away and hey maybe the call was an innocent one. I think that you should either learn to trust him or leave him. A relationship's base is honesty and trust and if both are lacking then there is no way its gonna last. He probably hung up the call in her ear after yelling "stop calling me" and didnt tell you because you seem unaproachable. Give him more credit. If you wanna go thru his stuff then he should be able to go thru yours.

Answer 6

first off i think you dont fully trust him and with her calling for good reason play a trust game with him sit down face to face and say a question to each other ie name one thing you have lied about to me no matter how big or small this is freebie time tell me now before w eget married so we can start on a fresh foot then somewhere in there say i would like to know if you are talking to any other girls etc now if he says no then so that we may build up trust may i look at your phone? offer to let him look at yours if he says no then there is something he is hiding and then you need to decide what you want to do

Answer 7

Tell him you lost your phone somewhere. Your number is in there right? Borrow his phone to call your own *after you've hidden it somewhere that you could "accidently" lose it at*. Try going through his addy book in there so you can get your own cell number. If you're like me, you really don't remember it. Then I would just tell him that when you used his phone to call his own, you accidently ended up in the recieved call menu. And when you saw the name of the girl he said he wasn't speaking to anymore, you wanted to know why she is calling him and why he said he didn't talk to her anymore.

I would stress the important of honesty in a relationship especially if you two are planning to get married. say something like

"this is my life and I want to spend it with you. But if there is something you need to tell me about lieing about this, you need to tell me because my life isn't your's to base on lies." But don't jump on him because that will push him away. Be very calm and normal about it just because you want honesty.

If he is a good man he will be honest with you. But I would only do this if there is absolutely no good reason for her to call anymore.

Answer 8

1st off has he ever given u reason 2 doubt him.if not the problem lies on u not him.if the answer is no then u shouldnt marry him.obviously u r not ready now.it seems u not ready anyway.good luck:)

Answer 9

I think you need to trust your intuition. Jeez, girl, if he has not shut down other chicks and still giving number out...get out now while you can.

Answer 10

-----you did bring this on yourself---he;s most likely not messing around on you------you must bring this out in the open and talk about it---i;m sure you;ll find you don;t have a problem-----good luck---and stop being so snoopy.